


Saving Duo

by Daydreamer



Category: Gundam & Related Fandoms, Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Atypical Sex, Catheters, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemas for Medical Purposes, Friends sticking noses in personal business, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Oral Sex, Paralysis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex Involving Paralyzed Individual, Sexual Intimacy, Suicidal Thoughts, Wheelchairs, possible unmentioned tags, touch sensativity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-14 14:47:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1270420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daydreamer/pseuds/Daydreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident has left Duo Maxwell paralyzed from the waist down. He's grown tired of the struggles and frustrations that come with his condition. With no hope of a full recovery in sight, he is nearly at the end of his rope when an old friend from the past makes an appearance and shows him that just because his life has changed, doesn't mean it isn't worth living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is going to have a lot of atypical things in it. Here is the big warning notice that I'm giving everyone who squeaks at the very slightest things. 
> 
> **Warning notice for:** suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, depression, PTSD, legal use of drugs, paralyzed sex, atypical sexual situations, enemas(medical purposes), catheterizing(medical purposes), adult diapers (medical purposes), possible warning for things such as bedsores and urinary tract infections.
> 
> Now that all that is finished, I hope you enjoy this fic. I don't know how long it will be or how often I will update. Hopefully often. Please be patient with me. I've done quite a bit of research for this, but it is by no means typical of someone who is paralyzed. Each case is different and I'm throwing a little fantasy in with the fact.
> 
> Art by Kirukakiru

[ ](http://s125.photobucket.com/user/daydreamer79/media/Kirukakiru%20-%20Solemn_zpsdtppoo44.png.html)

Part One

_"I'm leaving with Hilde tomorrow. She's got plans for a salvage yard. It’s a solid deal. There is at least fifty years of space junk to clean up and recycle. Even if a hundred salvage yards pop up, we'll still be flush in business if we do things right. She’ll handle the business and I’ll handle the rest. And, you know me. I always do things right. It's right up my alley being part of the Sweepers and all. I can always call up Howard if we need some extra business."_

_The face before him expressed little, barely even acknowledging the dialogue. If he felt any concern for what he was being told, he didn’t show it. But that ass had always been like that. Since the first time they'd met, odd though it was, he'd never really shown what he was feeling. Not really. Even when in pain, he simply grunted and bore it with a stoic expression. Some took the blank look and tight mouth to be anger, but that wasn't the case. Heero Yuy just didn't care, at least, not in the ways that normal people should have. Only failure brought real emotion to the forward. Otherwise, he was a blank slate. He had focus and that was all that mattered. There was no room for anything else. Everyone else was simply distractions and he treated them as such until they proved useful or outlived their usefulness._

_He'd tried to change him, he really had. But he supposed there were some things that couldn't be changed. So, before he left, he wanted to try one last time. He wanted his feelings to be returned or at least to see some sign that he would one day be able to get through to him. If he had that little inch of hope, he would stay by Heero's side for as long as it took. Just the smallest sliver of hope would carry him through eternity._

_"I wish you the best," replied the deep voice. That voice had deepened since they'd first met. Puberty at its finest. When Heero spoke, people listened._

_His heart cracked a little at that emotionless tone. "I heard you were going to protect Relena? Are you two an item now?"_

_"I don't see how that is any business of yours."_

_"I guess it isn't.”_

_A silence seemed to grow and with it, a great pain began to take root in him. It took him a moment to realize it was hope dying. But he couldn’t let go. His tenacity was what kept him going when all else seemed to fail._

_“You know…we could…”_

_Heero’s phone gave a shrill cry and he lifted it to his ear without even an apologetic glance in Duo’s direction, listening intently before acknowledging. “Ten minutes.”_

_Ten minutes to plead his case. It would take so much longer and yet that was the time limit being allotted to him. It was in that moment that he released his desperate grip on that tiny bit of hope he’d clung to desperately until that moment._

_When Heero turned his attention back to him, he severed that tiny string. “I guess this is goodbye. I hope you find whatever you need to make your happy. See ya."_

_He didn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes as he turned his back on the what could have beens. He would survive; it wasn't like he didn't have Hilde. She'd always been there. Maybe, he would give her a chance. Anyone that could take his mind off what he'd just allowed to slip away was better than nothing. It had to be. But God, he didn’t expect it to hurt so much._

A chiming sound jerked Duo Maxwell from sleep and a dream he would have rather not had. He dreamed of the past often, any soldier who had survived what he had did so, but there were parts he wished he didn't have to remember. It wasn't the fighting or the death that bothered him; it was what he had lost at the end that haunted him so bitterly. 

It was the past, but some parts hurt far worse than others. With things how they were, he really did not need those bad ones to compound on his life now. It was hard enough just to wake up in the morning.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he turned his gaze to the computer screen. He'd set up his system to do searches for particular key words. The internet was simply too expansive for him to search on his own. Even the most precise of searches would turn up millions of sites and he simply didn’t have the time or the inclination to browse through the junk in order to find what he sought.

It took some doing, but he finally finished a program that would filter through the garbage or unnecessary results, and chime when finished with a much more manageable list to peruse. It was probably one of his better creations considering that he was not much of a master at writing programs. His talents came more in breaking in and destroying them, not giving them life. 

With a grunt, he pulled himself closer to the table and reached for the mouse. A few clicks and his eyes were darting over the data presented to him. The more he read, the angrier he became. Even with the technology to create monsters of war ten years past, medical breakthroughs were rare—at least the sort he hoped to find. Prosthetic limbs had received a huge amount of money after the war due to the number of former soldiers missing arms and legs, but people in his situation weren't as common.

"Damn it!" he shouted and swiped his laptop off the table in a vicious sweep. He heard the metal and plastic crack as it hit the nearby wall and then floor. It wasn't like he couldn't fix the damn thing later. He'd always been good at fixing things, but when it came to himself, that was another thing altogether.

His hands fisted in the material of his jeans and he bent his head while his chest heaved with each gulp of processed colony air. Once more, he wondered why he tried so hard. Was there any point to it all?

It was so hard. Every day was a fucking struggle just to get out of bed. When the struggle bore no fruit, was there any purpose in continuing on? He was so damn tired of simply existing. 

His eyes darted to the desk drawer to his right. He had a gun secreted away there in case of emergencies. It would be so easy to end it all and be done with the struggle.

Almost on instinct, he reached inside and pulled out the handgun. The black barrel gleamed and the grip fit into his palm like an old friend. He and this weapon had seen quite a bit of action in years past and he'd always taken good care of it. It was nearly obsolete by current standards, but it did the job just fine as the newer models offered.

He was almost surprised at the tremble in his hand as he brought the barrel to his mouth. Tears crept down the sides of his cheeks and small sobs escaped from his throat. He could taste the gun oil on his tongue along with the tang of metal. All he had to do was release the safety and pull the trigger. It would be over...everything would be finished. He'd always sworn to himself to never let anyone ever have control over his life or death again. When he died, it would be on his terms.

The trembling in his hand increased as his thumb released the safety in a practiced motion. It would be quick and easy. There would be no pain and he would be free. There were only a few who might miss him, but his life was not about making other people happy. His pain. His needs. He needed to do what he needed to do. He lived for himself and he would die for the same reason. No longer did he have the desire to live for others…not any longer.

"Duo?"

A gasp startled him and he jerked the weapon from his mouth. His shaking intensified and he quickly pressed the safety and shoved the gun into the drawer while wiping at his eyes. His stomach was in knots and he couldn't seem to stop the small tremble of his hands. Even during the war, he was certain he had never come as close to death as he had just moments ago. He had felt the cold clammy touch of a familiar hand on his shoulder and it scared him.

"Duo? What happened in here?"

He gave another swipe at his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. "Bad porn."

Hilde Schbeiker frowned and moved into the room with careful steps. "I thought you didn't lie?"

Duo blew out a frustrated breath. "I was being facetious."

"That's a big word for you," she teased, though he would have had to be blind not to see the way her lips tightened just a fraction. Once upon a time they had been friends and lovers. He could read her quite well, though he doubted she possessed as much skill at reading him. If she did, she would have him carted off to the crazy house in two seconds flat.

"What do you want, Hilde?"

"I want you to stop doing this to yourself. There is so much you can still do. You're not dead. You can come work for me at the scrap yard. Business is still booming and I'm about to need to hire a secretary anyway..."

"Stop," he whispered.

"I'm serious, Duo. I could really use the help and you're a lot better with computers than I am, that's for sure. It would be great to work together again and it would get you out of the house."

"Just stop," he shouted when he heard the pity in her voice. It took him a moment to gain control over his fluxing emotions before speaking again in a calmer voice. "Please, just stop."

"Please, Duo. You're wasting away in here. How long has it been since you've been outside? Hell, when was the last time you took a bath or had something to eat?"

"I don't want to go outside," he snapped harshly. "And I eat plenty."

"You can't stay holed up in here for the rest of your life?"

"Why not? I have groceries delivered. I have my computer...once I fix it, and anything I need is a mouse click away. I could stay here forever and survive perfectly well."

"Please, Duo...come out with me. We'll go grab an early dinner and maybe catch a movie. You know, like we used to."

"Hilde, for the last time, I'm not going out. Just please, leave."

A trace of shame washed over him upon seeing her lower lip quiver lightly before delicate white teeth latched onto the flesh. What he could feel of his heart cracked a little in memory of the solace she had offered him when he had left Earth for the last time. He wished so badly that he could pull her into his arms and say everything was going to be alright, but it wasn't. It would never be alright again. She was the only friend he had left and he was pushing her away...needed to push her away. Maybe then, he would be brave enough to pull that trigger when he was certain no one would miss him when he died because fuck, it was hard to finish it when he knew there was someone who would cry for him.

"Please," he whispered hoarsely.

He didn't dare look at her. He could practically hear the tears tracking down her cheeks before she sniffed and straightened where she stood. "I'll leave...for now, but I'm coming back."

"Why?"

"Because, Duo Maxwell, you're not the only person in this room with a stubborn streak. And if you are not still hardy and well by the time I get back, I’ll never forgive you.”

He shook his head as she stomped out of the house. With a weary sigh, he pressed his fingers to his eyes and cradled his head. How long he sat like that, he had no clue until his watch chimed and he flinched upon knowing what that meant.

His jaw clenched and his stomach knotted. With a grimace, he lowered his hands to the wheels on the chair he was confined to and pushed toward the modified bathroom just through his bedroom. He'd had everything modified when he'd thought there was a chance he would eventually recover. Having a safe place to slowly recover was always smart and if he was anything, it was smart. Professor G wouldn't have allowed him anywhere near Deathscythe if he had been anything else.

With a heavy sigh, he pushed through the bedroom and into the bathroom. He hated doing this more than anything else. If God was as merciful as Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had sworn, he would not be tortured like this. He would not have to wear adult diapers to ensure he didn't mess himself. He would not have to catherize himself just to get rid of urine his bladder no longer received the signals to expel. If God truly was loving and merciful, he would not be forced to train his body when to take a dump. He would be able to walk and run and have sex like a normal person.

No, he thought as he struggled to shove down the lounge pants he wore. Father Maxwell and Sister Helen had lied to him. There was no God. Of that, he was certain.

oOo

The shrill annoying sound of a phone was quickly silenced when a hand plucked it from its cradle and placed it calmly to an ear. He really needed to change the ringer to something less grating. He made a mental note to do so after he finished with the call. "Yes?"

"I can't believe it worked. Howard said you were working here when I asked him how to find you, but I didn't believe him. After the wars, things got so hectic and everyone just sort of disappeared, going about doing their own thing. I just can't believe you're actually working for the Preventers now. Duo told me that you'd never be a soldier like that again after we finally achieved what we all worked for."

He frowned at the babbling female voice. It was familiar, like a forgotten dream suddenly being brought back into his recollection. The memories of the past were pulled from their hidden locker and forced to the forefront of his mind. A mental image of a smiling girl with short dark hair and blue eyes appeared and he sat a little straighter in his chair.

Hilde Schbeiker.

It had been over ten years since he'd even thought of her. A trace of some unspoken and decidedly undesired feeling rose in his chest, to which he pushed it away. He refused to rehash thoughts and feelings of that time when he was more a machine than a man. They only brought with them the loss he'd experienced when he finally allowed the last traces of the soldier he'd become to flow away from him.

"It's so good to hear your voice, Heero."

"It's been a while, Hilde" Heero Yuy stated blandly. Over ten years to be precise. 

Ten years of relative peace. There were always dissidents who caused a stir here and there, but no one ever came close to the horrors of the past wars. "One moment, I'll put you on the vid."

He pressed a button and the small screen beside his desk flickered before an older image of the girl in his mind appeared. She still looked pixie-like with her short dark hair and large eyes. But she no longer held that look of youth and happiness that had gleamed at the end of the wars. There were dark shadows beneath her eyes, as if she hadn't had a good night of sleep for a while. It created a strained look to her face despite her friendly and upbeat voice.

"Wow, Heero...you look good. I guess peace time agrees with you."

"And you look tired," he replied.

She lifted a hand to her hair and gave a small laugh. "You can tell? I must look a fright. I guess I was too excited about finding a number for you that I didn't bother to make myself presentable."

"You look fine. Did something happen to your business?"

She blinked several times. "The scrap yard? Oh no, it's fine. It's busier than ever. I'm actually going to have to hire more help. It seems I've developed a reputation as an honest business."

"How is Duo taking the expansion?" He visibly flinched upon saying his name. Duo Maxwell was one of his greatest regrets. It was shortly after the second threat to peace. He hadn't had the chance to fully decompress and open himself up to those around him. He now knew his actions were harsh and might be seen as uncaring. That hadn't been the case, he just hadn't had time to push aside the soldier and reveal the boy hidden there. It had actually taken a lot longer than he'd thought it would.

After only a year in the employee of Relena Peacecraft, he'd started having flashbacks. The 'perfect solider’ that had been created by the war had very nearly succumbed to a nervous breakdown. It had taken almost six months institutionalized and years of counseling before he was ever able to be called stable. Two years prior, he'd been asked by the Preventers to work in their tech crimes unit. He liked it, he was protecting as he was meant to, but he was safe from active duty. Une had wanted him for a field agent and he had told her no from the beginning. He was just starting to feel what he assumed normal was and did not need to awaken the monsters that had finally been quieted.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

The words jolted him from his thoughts and he stared as the barely hidden worry on Hilde's face flared forth. Her eyes took on a haunted look and she looked as if she were moments from bawling her eyes out. A sliver of dread worked through his bloodstream and he had to actually force his breathing to remain steady.

"Did something happen to Duo?"

A tear actually did make its way down her cheek. She did not hide it quickly enough for his sharp eyes. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he was certain it would explode out of his ribcage. All he could think was that something had happened to Duo and he had not been there to protect him. 

It was just like in the war, whenever Duo or his Gundam was damaged, Heero felt responsible. He should have been there to protect him, even if it was not humanly possible. There were times when he had done a lot of things that were not humanly possible. 

In some ways, he wasn't human. His training had created resistance to drugs, even those meant to help. It was one reason why his doctors had institutionalized him shortly after his breakdown. The drugs they were prescribing him had little to no effect. He'd finally been stabilized on the antipsychotic, aripiprazole. It was so rarely prescribed any more after advances in psychiatric medicine, but seemed to work with him. Maybe J had never thought to make him resistant to it, or perhaps it was J offering him a way to live after the war was over—knowing what he had done would probably haunt him.

"Duo was in an accident."

Heero's world came crashing down on him. His hands were shaking now and he quickly reached for a pill bottle he kept with him, containing some anti-anxiety medication. He hadn't needed them in months.

"Heero?"

He popped two of the pale blue pills in his mouth and swallowed them down with a drink of water before turning his gaze back to Hilde. Hiding his emotions behind a mask was the only way he could cope with things right now and he knew his face must have reverted to its former appearance judging from the way she visibly flinched when he finally focused on her.

"What happened to Duo?"

Her sadness nearly overwhelmed him as she began to speak. "About a year ago, Duo was working on one of the shuttles. An idiot with forklift came to work drunk and ended up pinning Duo into the side of the shuttle. His back was broken and his spine severed. He has no feeling below the waist and is confined to a wheelchair."

"And the driver of the forklift?"

"A fine and some community service. By the time the case went to court, the judge determined him to have served long enough in jail during his time in lockup and left it at that," she answered bitterly.

"What is his name?" he asked coldly, already plotting the many ways he could destroy a man's life without ever pulling a trigger.

"Wait, Heero, I didn't call you for that. Any other time I'd say have at him...after what he did, he deserves to be punished, but right now, he isn't important. Duo needs you...I think...I think he's about ready to give up. I think he might hurt himself before much longer. I tried..." She was actively crying now and not bothering to hide it. "God help me, I did, but he's closed up to me. I could never be you to him. In the end, I suppose we were better friends than lovers. I'd hoped I could be more to him, but as big as Duo's heart is, you always had the lion's share of it."

He swallowed back the anger he felt at the man who had hurt one of the few people he could honestly say he cared for. If he wanted to be truthful with himself, he more than cared for Duo, but he couldn't bring himself to cross that line despite how his heart stuttered at Hilde's words. There were more important things than his feelings now.

"What do you want me to do?"

Hilde took a shaky breath. "I want you to save him...to save my best friend. He's dying before my eyes and I can't do anything. Please, Heero...I know things...might have ended badly between you, Duo never said why he never contacted anyone and I never pried into old wounds...but please, you have to help him."

She really did not have to ask. He'd know from the moment she'd mentioned Duo was hurt that he would go to him. As much as he had tried to ignore Duo's boisterous attitude during the wars, it had always left him feeling like there was hope for their futures and for each of them. Duo had given him hope and now it was his time to return the favor.

"I'll catch the next shuttle to L-2. Can you email me his address?"

"Absolutely." She sat forward with a pleading expression. "Heero, he's not the same. Don't give up on him. If you give up on him, then we've already lost him. He's shut out everyone, including Howard. I'm the last person who he'll even talk to and he barely even acknowledges me anymore. You have to bring him back."

Heero nodded and ended the call. Moments later his computer chimed and he pulled up the email from Hilde with Duo's address and directions to it. 

With something akin to desperation, he set about booking a flight to L-2 and sending notice to his superiors about the emergency leave. He didn't give any details other than a family emergency was calling him away for an undetermined amount of time. It wasn't as if he really needed the money if they fired him for leaving without advance notice. After the war, he had invested the remaining funds he had pilfered from OZ to support repair and ammunition for Wing. There were some things he was extremely methodical about and nothing he did and no amount of medication he took ever seemed to stop them—the way he handled his money was one such thing. 

His doctors had told him that there were parts of the soldier and of the monster created by the Zero program that would always remain with him. It created slightly OCD tendencies along with his PTSD and made him a little nervous about the trip.

He hadn't been in space for years, let alone traveled to the colonies. In a way, it frightened him. The last thing he needed was his PTSD acting up. Duo needed him.

His shuttle flight was leaving in three hours. It gave him enough time to stop by the little house he owned to pack a bag and arrange for his neighbor to stop in periodically and water his plants. Then, he would be off planet for as long as it took to save Duo, even from himself.

oOo

Stepping out of the shuttle felt odd for a moment. There was a slight difference in the gravity making him feel a bit lighter and forcing him to adjust. He had forgotten what it felt like to move back and forth between the colonies and Earth. Life on the colonies was decidedly different from that of Earth. Even the air smelled differently after being recycled through the life support systems.

The quality of life on L-2 was much better after the war and reconciliation of the colonies to Earth. It was no longer a ghetto to house the undesirables, but a thriving colony along with its sister satellites. The old Duo would have been proud to see the place where he barely survived as a child, become a place he could be proud to say he came from. It was anyone's guess what the current Duo would say.

Grabbing his bag from the carousel, he walked out of the shuttle dock and into the artificial light of L-2. There were several taxis available and he slid into the back of one while giving Duo's address. As the vehicle darted through the streets, he was given a close up look at how things had changed for the once rundown colony cluster. There were still poor neighborhoods, but it was no longer falling apart with little to no income.

It wasn't until the vehicle pulled to a stop that he realized they were at his location. The neighborhood was decent, neither upscale nor located in the slums. The house was small and sandwiched between two other buildings, but it was in good shape with no garbage or anything unsightly on the walk before it. And yet, it didn't really look alive either. There was nothing on the door or even in the windows like the other houses down the street. It looked almost empty.

He handed the taxi driver his card to be scanned while he stared at the building. There was a fairly new wheelchair ramp that led into the house. It had to be Duo's home.

He accepted his receipt and card from the driver and took his bags from the vehicle before moving toward the door. Hilde had told him the keypad code to enter the building and he easily punched in the numbers and stepped inside.

The interior was...sad. There were a few dead plants in the corner and various boxes of odds and ends. It looked a mixture of barely moved in and living out of boxes. And it was dusty. L-2 contained several scrap yards and was a focal point for many salvage groups. The filters in the colony just could not keep up with the dust that was brought in by the shuttles and their take. It caused a lot of dust in the air. Duo's house definitely needed a good dusting, something his slight OCD tendencies was not going to allow to go unattended for very long.

He took a fortifying breath before walking deeper into the house. He probably should have called ahead or at least knocked, but from what Hilde had told him, he wondered if Duo would have answered either. They were old friends, so he would call upon that friendship and make himself at home.

Leaving his bag by the door, he walked past the living area and went through the first door on the right to find a study of sorts. A broken laptop was sitting on a desk with various parts around it. The room contained several broken laptop pieces and various parts and motherboards. He arched a brow at the mess as he backed out and shut the door. The hallway he was walking down was wider than most, probably to make room for the wheelchair.

The next room was a guest bathroom. It looked bare and unused, another aspect of Duo's life that bothered him. Duo should have others around him, supporting him. He had always been the sort to flourish under the attention of others.

There was only one last door in the hall and he opened it to just in time to hear a toilet flushing and see a far too thin Duo wheel himself out into what was obviously his bedroom. Both froze where they were upon seeing each other. Duo's eyes, those absolutely stunning eyes, were wide with shock and a liberal dose of fear, though he hid it well.

Heero kept his face as neutral as possible and inclined his head in greeting. "It's been a long time, Duo."

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

Duo's jaw dropped and his eyes grew as wide as saucers. It was akin to experiencing his greatest desire and most horrible nightmare meshed together in one moment of undefinable agony and bliss. The thoughts in his mind spun wildly as they struggled to create words or even cohesive thoughts at seeing the man standing before him. The only definitive thought in his mind was a name he only uttered while in solitude when the ghosts of the past rose to haunt him.

Heero.

The hands still wrapped around the wheels of his chair tightened with enough force that the joints in his knuckles bleached white. His brain vaguely alerted him to the pain in his hands, which he ignored as he had always done with that sensation. Pain was never something he had all that much trouble ignoring—he was used to it, after all. Hunger pains as a child on the streets. Bleeding wounds from the war. Hell, he'd even had a raging case of blue balls once and that was a physical pain no man could ever forget.

He swallowed around the thickness in his throat and took in his uninvited guest. It was Heero, there was no denying his identity. Even after ten years, he still seemed unable to tame that wild mop of hair. Those startling exotically shaped blue eyes reminded him of past longings and he shifted his gaze away to examine the rest of him in an effort to distract himself from those futile thoughts. 

Heero's shoulders had broadened out and he had grown about a foot since he'd last seen him. He was still a bit on the short side, but quite within the normal range for his genetic coding. His height was a definite representation of his Asian descent, after all. But even being shorter than the Caucasian norm, Heero's presence made his physical stature a nonissue. Even acting like a damn computer program, he had garnered the respect and attention of most people he met. He possessed an innate charisma that drew others in.

Staring at him, Duo didn't know what to say. His mouth was dry and his stomach clenched. Even his heart began to pound a loud staccato against his chest wall. He waited for Heero to say something else, but even he seemed at a loss for words, not that he was surprised in the least. It didn't take a genius to know how he looked sitting in a wheelchair.

The silence killed him, and he was the first to break it. "What are you doing here, Heero?"

"Hilde called me."

"Of course she did." He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. He should have known his little make-out session with the gun hadn't completely escaped her eyes. Why couldn't she have just left well enough alone? He hadn't tried to kill himself since, despite the wistful longing for oblivion. At least she hadn't been foolish enough to try and take the gun from him. In the state he'd been in on that day, he would have likely shot her.

"She's worried about you."

"Let me guess, she told you I was suicidal. Did she happen to mention with good fucking reason?" Duo pointed to the chair he sat in eighteen hours out of the day. "I think I have a pretty damn good reason for not wanting to live."

"Not being able to use your legs is not a good reason to end your life," stated Heero plainly. He might not be the semi-robot of the past, but that slightly nasally way he spoke was grating on his nerves all the same. It brought up memories, ones he did not want to recall.

"How about we trade places? Then you can tell me how easy it is," he snarled.

"Do you think I wouldn't?"

"Talk's easy when you don't have to follow through with it." Duo glared at him and gave a hard shove on the wheels of his chair, not bothering to avoid Heero. "Living isn't always the better option, and you fucking know it."

It gave him a small amount of pleasure to see the man sidestep out of his way. Heero Yuy had never stepped aside for anyone, at least not him. As he rolled down the hallway, he could hear the muted sound of Heero's feet as he followed him and chose to ignore him.

He was so damn pissed at Hilde that if she was standing in his house, he could very well have taken a gun to her. It wasn't like he hadn't done that before. Hell, he'd shot Heero twice upon first meeting him.

He'd suspected that she'd seen the gun. Hell, even with his back to her, she had to have known. He should have known she wouldn't leave well enough alone. What he had not expected was for her to call up Heero-fucking-Yuy. 

Where the hell had she dug him up? How had she dug him up? It wasn't like any of them couldn't disappear without a trace—electronically speaking, and he hadn't seen Heero's name or face represented in any of the articles or photographs containing Relena Peacecraft. He had pretty much dropped completely out of the public eye...pretty much like himself, if he wanted to be honest.

Opening the door to his study/workroom, he wheeled inside and up to the remains of his laptop the previous day. He'd really done a number on the machine. He was going to have to rebuild the thing from the ground up. It would probably be cheaper to simply buy a new one and upgrade it, but considering this would be his only source of entertainment, he chose the annoyance of rebuilding the machine.

He felt more than saw Heero move up beside him. He remained just out of arm's length and silent, watching him with those damn eyes. It made his chest hurt and breathed life into the emotions he had shoved into the back of his mind. It was just his luck that Heero would show his face to him again when he was like this, a broken man with no hope of any sort of life.

While staring at the broken computer, he marveled at just how like him the machine was. It was nearly worthless, the parts being more valuable than the whole. But unlike him, it could be repaired. There were boxes of spare computer parts behind him and every conceivable tool to use. The computer could be saved.

An exhaled breath escaped his chest and he finally turned to see Heero. His face was blank, but that was nothing new. It had been his goal in the past to attempt to crack that mask...and had done so. Not as often as he would have liked, but more than any of the others. The only person to annoy Heero more than him was Relena. She'd been a nice enough girl, but damn if she wasn't annoyingly good at following Heero around. 

He almost laughed at a few memories that surfaced. It was almost like Relena Peacecraft had a Heero radar inserted in her brain. Annoying as she could be, she had a good heart and really fought for Earth and the colonies. He had really expected Heero to stay by her side and be the silent guardian he seemed destined to be, maybe even marry her and have a requisite two children and a dog. He refused to be relieved that such had not happened.

"Duo..."

"Why'd you come, Heero? And don't feed me some bullshit about Hilde being worried. You don't give two shits about her or what worries her."

"That's not true," answered Heero calmly.

"I told you not to bullshit me," snapped Duo.

Heero sighed and shook his head, causing the dark bangs to obscure his eyes. "You didn't let me finish. I said it's not true when what worries her involves you."

"And what's so damn special about me? You seemed to pretty easily forget I even existed for ten years."

A flash of something darkened Heero's eyes before it disappeared under a mask of calm. "I wasn't the only one who forgot. When was the last time you spoke to any of us? To Quatre?"

The ice in his chest cracked and the anger in him flared when the jab hit a little too close to home. "Don't bring the others into this. They aren't here."

"I'm sure if they knew what had happened to you, they would be in a heartbeat. Quatre would worry."

Duo snorted. "He worries about everyone."

Heero's eyes sharpened. "Quatre only worries about those he cares about. You mean a lot to him, to all of us. No one else could understand what we experienced. The wars and our lives after them changed us. I changed. I'm not the same person you knew."

"That goes double for me. I'm about half the person I was."

He saw Heero's features harden and was rather surprised. That asshole actually looked angry. He'd seen him angry before, but not like that, so suddenly. It was almost frightening to see. He looked ready to kill, but unlike the times in the past when he had taken lives, he'd never really shown any emotion at doing so. There had never been any anger associated with his actions during the wars, only cold calculation. When Heero had fired on the enemy, he had not batted a lash at the deaths resulting from his attacks.

"I don't find that humorous, Duo."

"You wouldn't. You never could laugh at a joke," he groused and added a glare just for the hell of it. "You still have that damn stick up your ass...maybe not as bad as Wufei's stick, but bad enough."

Heero's frown didn't fade in the slightest. "You're deflecting."

Duo sighed and through up his hands in defeat. "What do you want from me, Heero? Do you want me to be the same guy who bounced around with a smile on his face? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but I can't. Hell, I'm so fucked up that I can't even smile a fake smile any more. I'm not that kid anymore. I'm a shadow of that person. Maybe I'm already dead and my damn body hasn't caught up to that knowledge because I sure as hell can't feel a damn thing anymore...inside or out."

Heero frowned and looked as if he would take a step forward before settling once more into a strained sense of calm. There was a coiled tension barely visible in Heero's eyes. It was curious because during the war, the only expressions that were visible were the extremes brought on by his determination to come out the victor in his endeavor. 

Now, there was that unnamable darkness in his eyes. His curiosity was piqued, even if only slightly.

"I don't want anything from you. I want to help you."

"Well, unless you're a neurosurgeon who invented a way to reconnect my spine, there isn't anything you can do to help me. According to all the other doctors, I'm pretty much fucked."

"Stop evading. You're hiding."

"It's what I'm good at, after all."

Heero's gaze softened. "Let me help you, Duo."

Duo stared at him with an incredulous expression. What the fuck had happened to Heero? True, Heero could be termed as the helping sort in a warped way. He had risked his life to help the colonists. What came off as odd was Heero wanting to help him. In the big picture he was no one and Heero had never really shown any strong attachment to him, not like what he had developed for the other. And that pissed him off all the more. Now, when he was as he was, Heero suddenly developed a need to come to him.

"Fuck you, Heero Yuy." Duo twisted his wheelchair so that he completely faced him. Even staring up at him, he didn't allow that asshole to see anything, but defiance. "I don't want or need help."

"Hilde didn't seem to think so."

"Fuck Hilde. She doesn't know what it's like, and neither do you. You say you'd change places with me, but do you really know what that means? You probably think it would be easy to adjust after a while, right? Just build up the strength in your arms and go on about your life, but you don't know shit. Do you know how long it takes to get dressed in the morning? It takes a good ten minutes just to pull on some damn pants, and that's after I take a dump in the toilet on a set schedule that I've trained my body to do. After my timed shit, I put on a diaper...like a fucking baby in case I accidentally mess myself, not that I would know if I did since I can't feel a damn thing."

He took a few breaths that did nothing to calm his anger and frustrations. No one understood what it was like to be so damn helpless over everything. No one really realized how hard it was when you couldn't stand or walk or even have full control over your bodily functions. Saying and truly understanding were two very different things.

"I can't even have an orgasm anymore. If I rub myself hard enough, sometimes my body will let me get a partial erection and maybe even a little cum will spill out, but I can't feel a damn thing. It's like rubbing someone else's body. I won't ever have sex again, but do you want to know what the worst part is? I don't think I even care, because in all honesty, who would want to have sex with a paralyzed man? It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does." Duo took another breath and closed his eyes. "So, you should just call up Hilde, tell her I'm fine...that I'm alive, and just leave. I don't know why you even bothered coming. It's not like you were ever the sort to care."

"I'm not leaving."

He glared and grabbed a screwdriver from a box and waved the tool at him. "Yes, you fucking are. I'm fine. I don't need you or anyone else. You've done your duty and come to see me in all my splendor. Now, I need you to leave."

"I'm not leaving," Heero repeated.

Duo turned his back on him, not able to bear looking at him any longer. "Please, Heero. I need to be alone. It hurts to damn much with you here. Please..."

He cursed himself at how weak he sounded. The old Duo Maxwell would never have sounded that weak. He would have cursed and spat and fought. Regaining the control he had allowed to slip took a long and brutal moment along with several deeply fortifying breaths.

He grabbed his tools and began to tinker with the computer. Even with the majority of his attention focused on the hardware before him, a small part of his brain was hyperaware of Heero's steady gaze on him. He fought back a shiver and only finally breathed a sigh of relief when the door to his study closed with an audible snap. He reached over to a radio and turned up the music as loud as he could to drown out the sound of Heero leaving. And a lone tear streaked down his face. Why couldn't that ass have stayed away? Why did he have to come and bring with him the memories better left buried in the past? Why had he come now?

oOo

Heero's chest contracted as he closed the door to Duo's workroom. His hands dug into a pocket for the prescription bottle hidden there. He debated for several long breaths about taking a pill. His anxiety was the highest it had been since before he had gone into treatment. Worry and dread filled him at seeing Duo. He wasn't bothered by the chair. It was a nonissue for him.

It was the dead look in Duo's eyes that had been like an arrow to his chest and created the progressive growth in his anxiety. It was obvious that Duo wasn't even bothering to take care of himself. The hair that he had been obsessive about during the wars was in need of a wash judging by its greasy shine and his body could stand another twenty pounds of weight. In both mind and body, he looked as if he had given up and was waiting to die.

The more he thought about the Duo Maxwell he had seen only moments ago, the more depressed he became. His muscles were spasming and he could feel the far too familiar urge to revert back into the emotionless state that had cocooned him during the wars.

That thought, and the reminder of what the Zero program had made him into had him breaking down and popping a single pill into his mouth. He didn't even bother with water as he swallowed the bitter medicine and took another deep breath. Inside the workroom, he could hear Duo's music blaring. Duo had only played music like that when he sought to hide from the world.

Sitting on the edge of the sofa, he cradled his head in his hands until he felt the pill begin to take effect. The minutes seemed to tick by far too slowly until he was finally able to gain control over himself. He still felt on edge, far too much to be completely comfortable, but within what he would term acceptable. His hand did not even shake as he pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled down to find a newly inserted number.

The line was picked up after only two rings. "Heero? Are you there? How is he?"

Heero barely had a moment to think as Hilde fired questions at him. "I'm here. He's...on the edge."

"What's that mean?"

He thought for a moment before answering. "It means that you almost waited too long to call me. He's standing on the edge of a building looking down at the pavement and preparing to jump."

He heard her breath catch through the connection. "You have to help him, Heero. He'll listen to you. Please, Heero, help him. He's my best friend."

It wasn't like he even considered denying the request. Already his mind had shifted ever so slightly back into old habits he had thought long dismissed. Or perhaps, they were just waiting for a challenge to bring them into light. Already his mind was creating scenarios and working through probabilities as if it was a computer. It wasn't remnants of the Zero system, not completely. It was simply the way he had been wired since childhood. Even the antipsychotic meds he was forced to take daily could not halt the lifetime of training he had received. He knew without any doubt that even if he had been lying on the ground bleeding, if he had heard of Duo needing help, he would have found the strength to reach Duo's side even if the act killed him.

"Heero?"

He took a breath and exhaled slowly before answering. "Mission Accepted."

Not waiting for her to respond, he ended the call and replaced the phone in his pocket. Glancing around the house, he took in the layers of dust and grime. Disorganization filled the space and finally his obsessiveness began to get the better of him. With Duo currently locked away from him in the figurative sense, he needed to do something to occupy his mind while he considered how to approach all future interactions with his mission subject.

Barely used cleaning supplies were quickly found hidden away in a closet in the laundry room. He took the bucket, cheap cleaning product that smelled a bit too strongly of pine, and mop in hand. Before long, the kitchen was coated in the scent of pine cleaner and looked considerably better. 

The rhythmic movements of the mop in hand allowed his mind to wander. He thought back to his memories of Duo and compared him to the bitter and angry man he had met earlier. It was a crime to see such a brilliant soul brought to such a state. In a lot of ways, Duo had kept him and the others going when things were at their darkest. He always carried a smile, even if it was a mask put on to hide his thoughts. If Quatre had been the heart of their small group, Duo had been the soul.

Thinking of the chair, the anger he had not allowed himself to dwell on resurfaced. Up until now, his thoughts had been only on Duo, with only a passing thought to the man who had put him in that position. Now that his mind had free rein, it flowed over ways he could destroy the man. For someone of his talents, he could ruin the man and leave not a single shred of evidence leading back to him. That man would eventually pay for what he had done...though he would need to think on what he would do to him. 

He poured out the dirty water into the sink and grabbed a cleaning cloth and furniture polish. The music in the workroom still blared and he fought the urge to poke his head in and check on Duo. The fear he had felt upon hearing of Duo's suicidal inclinations still ate away at him. The pill he had taken earlier numbed him enough that he was able to fight the urges rising. He would respect Duo's need for privacy for now.

He was wiping the last bit of dust from an unused mantle over a fireplace when his stomach grumbled loudly. A quick glance at his watch had his eyes widening. He had spent almost three hours cleaning. The kitchen and den were in considerably better shape than when he had arrived, but the house would still need a lot of work to appear livable.

As he strolled into the kitchen, he made a mental list of what would need to be done in the house. For now, he would focus on the more public areas and leave Duo's room for last. Maybe by that time, he would have drawn Duo from some of his depression.

Opening the refrigerator, he arched a brow at the empty space. There were a few bottles of condiments and a bottle of flat cola inside. The cabinets showed the same state of emptiness.

"What has he been eating?" he growled to himself.

He had noticed that Duo looked thin, far too thin if he wanted to be honest with himself. Hilde hadn't mentioned that he wasn't eating and he frowned to himself. He didn't want to leave the house, but considering the state of provisions, he would need to make a run to a local grocer for at least enough for dinner and breakfast.

He jerked out his phone and pulled up a map with local businesses marked. It was almost a mile to the nearest grocer. His mind was already calculating the time it would take to reach the business, purchase food, and then return with the bags. He would be gone for a while and that knowledge set off an annoyed tic beneath his eye.

Checking his pants for his wallet, he blew out a small puff of air before glancing at the door from which heavy rock blared with eardrum bursting sound. Leaving was necessary—an unavoidable requirement for his overall mission. If he walked at a brisk pace, he could make it to the store in ten minutes. Providing he was not required to spend an inconvenient amount of time searching for what he needed, he could be back to the house in less than forty-five minutes. It was an acceptable absence time.

Decision made, he strode determinedly from the house and down the block. He made it to the store in eight minutes—a smallish mom and pop sort of place with a single register and surprisingly fresh looking produce and meats. He was pleased with the selection offered despite the size of the establishment and quickly went about choosing from various meats, breads, and vegetables. He grabbed a package of bagels and some cream cheese for breakfast. Tomorrow, he would need to arrange for transportation to make a more satisfactory provision run or possibly call Hilde and have her bring food so he would not need to leave Duo alone.

The elderly woman at the register smiled sweetly at him and began to tally his purchases. He fought the urge to snap at her to hurry when the machine refused to scan one of the items he had chosen. He had fallen four minutes behind his allotted schedule and his obsessive quirks were beginning to affect him. His eyes darted around the shop and he found himself unable to stop his fingers from twitching against his leg as she finally gave him his total and he handed over a card.

With two heavy bags in hand, he practically ran down the sidewalk in an effort to recover the lost minutes. His face remained in a serious line and he cursed himself for giving into the obsessions he had once thought under control. It was of little use to tell himself that this grocery run was not a mission and that lives did not depend on him keeping exactly to the timetable he had initially created. He knew he would need another pill tonight or he would work his fingers to the bone because of the failure of doing so. And to think he had thought himself finally free of those damned anxiety pills. It was bad enough with being forced to take the routine antipsychotics. Adding in the anxiety medication only frustrated him all the more.

His hands shook as he practically threw the grocery bags onto the counter beside the stove and his mind quickly provided another mission for him to undertake. Dinner preparation. At least he was pretty damn sure this one would be completed successfully and within his personally allotted timeframe.

oOo

Duo tossed aside a soldering tool and leaned back in his chair with a groan. He didn't have to glance at his watch to know it was time to urinate, if it could even be called that when he had to shove a tube up the end of his dick and into his bladder just to relieve the build-up of piss.

He glared at his watch. The device was probably about to go off any second and with a sigh, he killed the music and stretched his arms over his head, hearing the bones in his spine crack and stretch. His neck had a slight kink in it and there was a stiffness that came from remaining hunched over for several hours.

A grunt escaped him as he used his arms to shift his body in the chair. If he wasn't careful, he would end up with decubitus ulcers on his ass, not that he would feel it, but the thought of open sores bothered him enough to be mindful shifting his body from time to time. 

As he shifted about, he thought about Heero. He glanced toward the closed door with a frown. It was highly unlikely that the other had left for good, even after having been thrown out of the room. If he had left, it would only be to regroup and return later. The man's life was one giant mission and failure wasn't an option. But, Duo had no intention of letting Heero dictate the way he would live.

Rolling his chair toward the exit, he opened the door and was slammed with the delicious smell of cooking meat and vegetables. His stomach actually rumbled at the spicy scent wafting through the air. He could not recall the last time he had even wanted to eat, let alone smelled something that good.

"Damn it, Heero," he growled to himself and shoved himself down the hall toward his room.

The bathroom was quite large, with a low sink. He probably wouldn't have bothered washing his hands, but he'd had a urinary tract infection several months back and it was more trouble than it was worth. The doctor had said if he didn't take care to protect himself, they would insert a permanent catheter. Duo had told him they would do it over his dead body. He had fought tooth and nail to keep from having a colostomy bag inserted; he sure as hell did not want a urinary one.

After washing his hands, he pulled a sterile pouch from beneath the sink and opened it before pulling sterile gloves on his hands. Taking his limp dick in one hand, he inserted the lubricated end of the catheter up his dick with a visible wince. He didn't feel it, but damn if it didn't creep the hell out of him.

He sighed when the yellow urine began working its way down the tube and into the bag. What he wouldn't give to just be able to pee without having to shove something up his dick, even if he had to do it sitting down.

He removed the bag and poured the contents in the toilet before flushing and washing his hands. He wouldn't have to bother with trying to shit for a couple of hours. He ran a finger into the cottony material of the adult diaper to check for moisture before adjusting it and the lounge pants he wore and rolling in the direction of food.

Seeing Heero in front of the stove seemed ridiculously out of place. During the war, Trowa and Quatre had done most of the cooking. He wasn't sure he had ever seen Heero cook during those days.

"And here I thought you lived off protein rations and water." He almost slapped himself at the comment that had escaped unbidden from his lips.

Heero turned and arched a brow. "There was no need after the war was over."

"You're a fucking creature of habit. The war being over wouldn't have mattered."

A low rumbling laugh escaped Heero as he moved to place a steaming boil of stir fry on the table. Duo looked over the meal dumbly, taking in the steamed rice, beef stir fry, and chopped fruit. "I'm pretty damn sure I didn't have all that stuff."

"You didn't have much of anything," growled Heero. "You're not taking care of yourself."

"And what's it to you?" retorted Duo.

Heero's glare faded from his face, but his lips remained a thin line. It was obvious he was not going to answer the question. Not that Duo wanted him to. He was too afraid to hear the answer.

Heero took a few plates from the cabinet and sat them on the table beside some flatware. "Eat."

"God, when did you start channeling Quatre?" he grumbled.

"Just be glad I didn't call him."

Duo paled at the thought. Quatre was probably pissed enough at him for avoiding contact for so long, if he found out about the accident, he did not even want to think about the ass-kicking he would receive from his old friend. It shamed him to think that he had pushed away the only people who could really understand how his mind worked, but when he had left them at the end of the last war, he had severed all ties for the sake of his own sanity.

"Do you talk with the others often?" he winced at the sound of his voice, unable to deny the hunger he felt for news of them. The most he knew was that Quatre was still king of the world with his company. It was hard to even walk down the street without seeing something related to WEI.

"Some. Quatre is getting married in the fall."

Duo snorted. "To Trowa?"

Heero blinked gave a small chuckle. "Quatre and Trowa aren't like that."

"Could have fooled me," he grumbled as he took a bite of the food and blinked in surprise at the burst of flavors across his tongue. He actually had to fight against the urge to shove as much food as he could into his mouth, likely making himself sick in the process.

Heero smirked and shrugged. "They are just friends."

"Right," he drawled. "What about the others?"

"Trowa is working as an engineer for Quatre, but I don't know specifics."

That actually surprised Duo. "Come again? What happened to the circus bit?"

"That was never a long term option for him."

"I just never pictured him as that sort. I always figured if he ever retired from circus life that he would find a farm and raise goats or something."

Heero choked on the water he was drinking. "Goats?"

"What? You have a problem with goats?"

Heero shook his head and Duo gave a small snicker. It felt nice to talk like this. For a brief moment, he forgot about his injury or about the frustrations created simply by living. The years faded away and he was simply having dinner with a friend.

"I assume Wufei is still with the Preventers."

"Of course."

"Figures. Does he still carry around the sword?"

Heero shook his head. "It's against regulations to carry unsanctioned weapons."

That actually earned a laugh. "I bet he just loves that."

Duo fiddled with his fork, pushing around the food on his plate before speaking again when silence stretched between them. "They don't know, do they? About me, I mean."

"They don't."

"Good. Don't tell them. I'd rather them not see me like this."

Heero frowned and leaned forward. "Duo..."

"Don't say it. Don't say there is nothing wrong with me and that it's still me...because it's not. I don't even feel the same. So please, don't insult me by saying that it wouldn't matter, because it does matter. It matters to me." Duo slammed his fist onto the table, rattling the plates and bowls.

Without saying another word, he turned his attention back to the food. The delicious dish had suddenly turned to sawdust in his mouth and he had to fight just to swallow down the bites. He didn't stop until he was sure he had eaten enough to keep Heero off his back. He'd have had to be blind not to notice the way he eyed his plate, as if calculating the amount of calories he ingested.

Judging that he had eaten enough, he pushed back from the table and twisted his chair toward the hall. "I'm not going to bother telling you to leave because it's obvious you're not going to do it, but leave me the hell alone. I'm tired and I just want to sleep."

He didn't wait for Heero to respond before he began rolling down the hall to begin the long task of preparing for bed. The ache in his chest quadrupled in potency as it cried out at having what it had wanted dangled so close and being forever denied it. He had never wanted to die more than he did in that moment.

To be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

Duo blinked awake and released a low groan. Waking up was the worst, even more so than living with his reality. When he dreamed, everything was forgotten. He was not confined to a chair and he could feel sensations in every part of his body. He could fuck and feel the sensations of pleasure skirting along every nerve ending. He could run and play basketball and live without any worry or care, just as he always had before the accident. Dreams were his relief and his torture.

Until the dreams faded away. 

Waking up was like the day after the twelve hours of surgery when the doctors had repaired what they could. His crusty eyes had cleared enough to settle on Hilde's tear-streaked face. He had seen her expression and had known, even before the doctor came into the room and described in barely understandable medical terms how his life was going to change after having his spine severed below T9 vertebrae. The reason he did not feel as much pain as he expected was not because of the really awesome narcotics being pumped into him.

Some guy Hilde had hired when the scrap yard expanded had come to work drunk. Or rather, he had come to work without having sobered from the previous night of drinking. Whatever the case, his reaction times were skewed and he lost control of the forklift he was driving, plowing into him. 

The pain of the accident had been unlike anything he had ever felt, and then there was nothing. The lawyers had gotten involved and settlements were reached. The law had given the man a slap on the wrist, but Duo hadn't been in any situation to exact revenge on the one who had caused the accident. And after he had healed from the surgery, he had been too focused on his recovery. He let the lawyers and Hilde handle anything to do with settling. The guy's money had paid for the renovations on his house and his medical expenses. He'd had bigger concerns even if it seemed as if the guy got off a little too easily for the pain he had caused.

His life hadn't been so bad after the initial shock of what had happened to him wore off. There had been hope then and all he cared about was overcoming this speed bump. He had thrown himself into physical therapy. His good health and strong body had helped and he had learned how to maneuver himself, always telling his therapists or Hilde that he would beat this and walk again, even if it took years. It would just take a lot of work. Duo Maxwell had determination, enough to make up for what he lacked in patience.

How naive he had been. There is no moment more excruciating than when hope dies. It's like killing a unicorn, if such things existed. It doesn't come all in one moment, but in a series of events until the last straw floats to the horses back and the world suddenly crashes down. That was what he felt every morning as he woke to find himself staring at the bland ceiling and the equipment he needed in order to even pull himself out of bed.

Heaving a breath, he clenched his fingers into the sheets. He wanted it all to end, even if it was the coward's way. He had never claimed to be overly brave, anyway. The shadows had always been his refuge and no one who claimed bravery as a trait hid in them. Heero was an obvious example. That bastard might have used guerrilla tactics, just like the rest of them, but he never really seemed to fade into the shadows as easily as the others. Hell, that idiot was going to blow himself up on more occasions than was legally sane. Self-destruction was definitely not a shadow dweller's action.

Heero.

As the last vestiges of sleep cleared from his mind, he recalled the previous day and Heero's presence in his home. He'd even cleaned up. Duo cursed Hilde for calling him of all people. Quatre would have been better than Heero, even if he would have been forced to deal with his old friend's more caring tendencies. 

Quatre didn't necessarily mother the other pilots as it seemed at first glance. He was a tactician and knew that the mental and physical health of his fellow terrorists was important if they were to complete their duties. He cared, there was no denying it, but he was also just as soaked in blood as everyone else, maybe more so. It was just he was able to show he cared just a little more openly and that made him stand apart from the others. When Quatre Raberba Winner called someone a friend, it was for life—regardless of distance or time.

Closing his eyes, Duo gave a short huffing of breath before pressing a button on the adjustable bed, raising himself into a near sitting position. He grabbed the clothes he had picked out the night before and tugged the tee-shirt over his head before pressing a hand into the diaper. They called them various names, but it all came down to adult diaper.

Wincing at the wetness he felt, he reached to the side of the peach colored material and ripped them. It was easier to remove that way rather than tugging them down his legs. They were disposable.  
He grabbed a spare he always kept for just such occasions when his bladder contracted and he pissed himself. It was better than the urine backing up into his kidneys. He had enough trouble with his body, the last thing he needed was kidney trouble. If he was going to die, it wasn't going to be as a result of not peeing enough. Death would be on his terms.

Reaching down, he grabbed a leg and shifted it until it dangled on the side of the bed. The other moved just as limply. Using the bar above his bed, he struggled to shift himself into a suitable position. He then stacked a few special foam pillows around himself to support his body as he used his arms to lift one leg and then the other, pulling the diaper and his chosen lounge pants up to his knees. He was nearly out of breath and only partially dressed. 

Already twenty minutes had passed since he had awoken. Before the accident, he would have already showered, dressed, and be well on the way into breakfast. Now, he was lucky to be finished dressing in thirty, not including other things such as catherizing himself.

He was struggling to tug the diaper and pants up over his hip when a knock sounded on the door. "Duo? Are you awake?"

He considered ignoring the question. But that bastard probably heard him grunting and moving about. It was stupid to deny. He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to rub the bridge of his nose. "I'm awake."

"Do you need any help?"

Duo's eyes flew open and anger pulsed through him. It was the same anger he felt when he saw the pity in the eyes of strangers or the overly helpful people who didn't think he could wipe his own ass without someone there to help. "No," he shouted. "I don't need any fucking help."

He was not sure what he expected the response to be. There was a pause. "Alright. I have bagels and cream cheese when you're ready for breakfast. There's also some leftover fruit from last night."

The sound of footsteps drifted away and he blinked dumbly. Heero didn't sound even the least bit fazed by the snapping response. He could almost see in his mind his old comrade shrugging his shoulders and disappearing back into the kitchen as he always had during the war when he was sent to collect others for the few meals they shared. Then again, Heero had never let that sort of response alter him from his task. Quatre would have tried to reason and possibly even burst in uninvited, but not Heero. As long as it did not interfere with his mission, he really never seemed to care about anything else.

But, this Heero seemed different. He had mellowed. His eyes were more expressive and there was a faint softness to his voice. It was still possessed that same nasally arrogant sound, but there was something underlying it—something he could not quite put his finger on.

Giving a final grunt, he lay back on the bed, as dressed as he was going to get. He took a moment to catch his breath before moving to the chair.

His arms shook slightly as he used them to transfer his body to the chair. In the beginning, it had been a much easier task, but he had lost muscle mass over time and his strength had waned. A small voice in his brain accused him of starving himself, which he shoved away. It wasn't that he was starving himself on purpose, he just never felt like eating anymore.

Checking the position of his legs, he steeled himself and gave a firm push toward the closed door. He shook his head as he passed through the living room. Other than the floor being in serious need of a vacuuming, every speck of dust had been removed. The boxes of odds and ends were stacked neatly in a corner and even the windows were wiped down. Some of the knick-knacks on a small shelf that Hilde had installed when she still lived with him were organized and he was pretty damn sure they had been adjusted into order from smallest to largest. Since when had Heero Yuy cared so much about the neatness of a house or the organization of its contents? Sure, the guy had always been neat about his stuff, but he hadn't seemed to care if the others were not as organized as him.

"The bagels are on the counter in the kitchen," said Heero calmly as he walked into the room wearing a dark blue tee-shirt and loose jeans. It was a definite change from spandex shorts and green muscle shirts. And suited him.

"Why are you still here?"

"I thought I made my thoughts obvious. I'm staying with you for a while." Heero set about pulling books from several boxes not stacked off to the side. "You're not taking care of yourself and I've been tasked with making sure that you don't do something stupid."

"So, you're my live-in nanny now?"

"Not really. I'm not going to be wiping your ass or bathing you." Heero looked up from reading the blurb on the back of some mystery novel. "If you require my help I'll give it."

"Then why are you cleaning my fucking house?" snapped Duo.

Heero smiled in that arrogant manner he always had when not laughing insanely. "I refuse to live in squalor and since I will be here until I deem you ready, I'm going to clean house."

"Since when do you care? You never seemed to mind during the war."

He received a snort at the comment. "There were more important things to deal with during the wars other than the neatness of our living quarters. We were lucky to have roofs over our head during those days. Cleaning was the last thing on my mind."

Duo narrowed his eyes at Heero. He couldn't really put his finger on it, but it felt almost to be an evasion. Heero never evaded, he answered directly and to the point. It wasn't an obvious evasion, but it didn't feel like the whole truth. Against his will, his curiosity was piqued.

"I guess," he mumbled and rolled past Heero into the kitchen. True to Heero's words, there were bagels, cream cheese, a small container of jam, and cut fruit waiting for him. To his surprise, he was actually hungry and finished off almost an entire bagel and a few bits of fruit.

As he was rolling out of the kitchen, he saw Heero pull out a vacuum and begin pushing the machine along the carpeting. It didn't do much at getting the area clean, much to what looked like Heero's frustration. He had to chuckle at the look wrinkling Heero's face as he went over a particularly dirty spot several times.

"Having fun?"

Heero glanced up with a glare and shut down the machine. "This thing does not work up to advertised standards."

"It's just the way L-2 is. The dirt and grease is in the air, and no amount of filters can completely clean it. You don't find carpeting often on L-2. When I first moved here, I bought the house because of the carpet. I swore I would never deal with cold feet again when getting out of bed. I guess now it doesn't matter." He dropped his gaze to his worthless legs with a frown.

"It matters if you like it."

Duo shrugged. "It's thick and a pain to push my chair across."

"We can do some renovating on the house if you want. I don't have any sort of timetable to when I need to return to work."

Duo stared at him. "Are you fucking planning on moving in?"

"I'm not leaving soon, if that's what you meant."

"Even if I asked you to?"

Heero shook his head. "Not even then."

He stared at Heero and rolled his eyes skyward. "I don't know what's gotten into you or why you're even bothering. Can't you get it through your head that I want to be left alone?"

"That is...unacceptable. I won't leave until I know you are well."

Duo's eyes met Heero's gaze. "Newsflash, I'm not going to get better."

"Your spinal injury does not figure into my statement. I was not presuming you would heal from such a wound, but merely stating what I know to be true."

"And what's that?" he ground out.

"That you are not well and I will stay until you are." Heero took a step forward and then another. "You should have called me before now. It should have been you and not Hilde."

Duo's breath caught in his chest and his hands clenched on the armrests of his chair. "It wasn't any of your business."

Heero's eyes flickered and he stopped his advance. "Perhaps not, but I've made it my business now. I'm not leaving."

Duo sighed and turned his chair toward the hall and his waiting workroom. "Fine, whatever. Not like you ever listened to me."

"Duo?"

He paused and glanced over his shoulder. "What?"

"What do you want to do with the carpet?"

Staring at the matted carpeting beneath the wheels of his chair, he felt a rush of anger mixed liberally with regret. The carpeting was the only part of the house he had not changed to fit his new life in a wheelchair. It was linked to the hope he'd had and was now a bitter reminder of what had been and who he had been. Just looking at it caused bitterness to spread across his tongue.

"Do whatever you want. I don't give a fuck." With that, he pushed himself toward his study and slammed the door.

All he cared about was losing himself in the music he played and rebuilding the computer he had totaled. Maybe if he kept locked away, Heero would grow tired of whatever was keeping him here and leave. He doubted it, but a guy could hope. If Heero stayed much longer he would end up breaking down in front of him and revealing the bottled up emotions he never seemed capable of dispelling. His feelings for Heero were what had ultimately severed the relationship with Hilde and he considered himself lucky that their friendship had not died along with their romance. When it was boiled down to its core, Hilde was always a replacement for Heero.

Turning up the music, he closed his eyes and let the thrumming sounds of the base and the rhythmic beat of the percussion block out his thoughts. When he felt like he did in that moment, only the music helped.

oOo

Heero stared at the closed door of Duo's workroom. It took all he had in him not to force Duo away from that room. He wanted to yell at him that staying locked away inside that room was not helping him. Duo was stubborn. He wouldn't listen to reason when he was set in ways. He wasn't like him in that way.

He was always the one who resided in reason and truth. The others had their own ways of understanding and reasoning out truth. During the war, Heero had been the figurehead for their little band of terrorists. OZ had always assumed 01 was the leader, when in fact, Quatre was more of a leader than he. The young blond's mind had worked at least five moves ahead of the current situation. To him, the war was like a chess game and he had to think of more than just the next attack or the next safe house. If not for Quatre, none of them would have lived to see the end of conflict. Everyone had always turned to him and placed their lives in his hands.

He hadn't minded how easily Quatre had assumed the role. It freed him from the task. He had always worked more as a lone wolf until Duo barreled into his comfort zone and pushed him beyond what he thought was possible—emotionally and otherwise. The others followed, but Duo was the first to make him feel human. He only wished he had understood the emotions running through him back then.

Dr. J had always told him he felt too deeply during his training and that they needed to overcome that in order for his mission to succeed. They had spent an excess amount of time helping him push back those emotions in order to do what needed to be done. The world was about to be plunged into chaos and emotions would only be a hindrance. Giving up a little piece of his humanity for the greater good seemed a small price to pay. Only, he had not calculated on surviving one war, let alone two; and as such, was left to acclimate himself in a world that he no longer understood.

His training and the Zero program had done a number on his psyche. Daily anti-psychotics and as needed anxiety medications helped, but they didn't completely alleviate the symptoms of his PTSD and the remnants of Zero. The doctors explained that being able to function in society was the most he could hope for considering the tatters his mind was left in. He would never be what could be termed as normal even if he could pass for such. It was why he refused to work in the field for the Preventers. He had worked so hard to get to where he was emotionally and mentally. To go back to tamping down his emotions so to make him the mindless killer he was during the wars was not something he could live with any longer. Wufei understood and kept the higher ups in the Preventers from throwing around their weight and forcing him into something he could no longer bear to do. He would disappear from the world if they tried.

Tightening his hand into a fist, he growled low in his throat. Being with Duo was bringing back the memories he had tried so hard to suppress. It was a doubled edged blade that cut with razor sharpness but was worth the pain. He should not have ignored his therapist when he said that pushing back the memories would only be detrimental later on. If he did not get a handle on his emotions, he would be no help to Duo. Duo was his only concern.

His phone chimed and he answered without even glancing at the caller ID, assuming it was Hilde again. "Yuy."

"How are things on the L-2 cluster?"

He blinked in surprise. "How did you know I was on L-2, Chang?"

A faint chuckle reached his ear and he smiled despite himself. "You didn't exactly hide yourself. All I had to do was pull up the passenger manifests for all the shuttle lines and do a search for your name. I'll admit I wasn't expecting you to use your real name."

"Technically, Heero Yuy is only a handle."

"Technically, my ass. We both know you legally registered under that name. As far as the government is concerned, Heero Yuy is your name."

Heero smiled. "Why are you calling, Wufei?"

"I'm curious why you felt the urge to take an extended vacation, particularly so when you were in the middle of a cyber-investigation. You’re not the sort to leave something unfinished."

"My reasons are my own," he answered blandly.

"Yuy..."

Heero released a breath. "I'm visiting, Duo."

"Maxwell? I didn't realize you were still in contact with him. I haven't heard from him in nearly a decade." Wufei paused and when Heero did not respond, his voice grew sharp. "Has something happened, Yuy?"

Heero's mind shot out various outcomes from this conversation. The remnants of the Zero program unable to keep from working out as many possibilities in search of the optimal end. He rubbed his brow and nearly groaned at the mental overload washing over him.

"Yuy? If you don't tell me, I'm going come up there."

"No," he nearly shouted into the phone and winced at the shocked silence that resulted. "I'm fine. Duo..."

"What about Maxwell? I may not care for the little shit's personality, but I do care if he's in trouble. Don't make me use my badge to get the information I want."

Heero smiled at Wufei's tone. Wufei was just as loyal as Quatre, though he hid it well beneath his gruff personality. As annoying as Duo was to Wufei during their time together, he cared enough to be willing to drop everything if his aid was needed. His honor would allow nothing less.

"Yuy..."

"Duo was hurt a while back at work. An employee came to work drunk and there was an accident. He's paralyzed from the waist down. I've hacked his medical records..."

"Don't tell me that, Yuy. I am still a Preventer, as are you I might add," snapped Wufei.

He could practically here his comrade and friend running his fingers through his hair. "I'm with Duo because he's not well. I'm going to stay with him until I am satisfied he won't do something stupid."

"This is Maxwell we're talking about," grumbled Wufei. "Listen, I have some leave time coming up, I can..."

"Don't come. Duo isn't ready to face anyone. If you showed up, it might damage him more than help."

"Yuy, you're asking me to sit and do nothing."

"No, I'm asking you to be patient. I'm going to help him, but I need space and freedom to do so."

Wufei sighed in his ear. "Fine. What about that drunk who injured Duo?"

"I used my Preventer access to read the case file. It was handled by one of the outset Preventer agents. It's not surprising that neither of us heard of it. The courts reviewed it quickly. A deal was struck and the man escaped with a misdemeanor record. The court records are sealed concerning any settlements made. I didn't bother hacking them, I doubt it was anything more than would be expected in such cases."

"Justice isn't always fair."

Heero snorted. "Justice is rarely what it claims to be."

"I don't like the sound of your voice. What are you planning?" edged Wufei.

Heero snorted, eyes scanning the room for the best way to begin pulling up the carpeting. "I won't kill the man, if that's what you're worried about."

"Why don't I believe you? You've always been a little more invested where Maxwell was concerned. Promise me you won't assault the man who caused his injuries. I don't want to be tasked with arresting you."

"I would be gone before you even had a chance."

"And Maxwell?"

"I'll take him with me."

He could practically hear Wufei rolling his eyes. "Just don't do anything stupid. I'd expect it from Maxwell, but not you."

"I never act stupidly."

"I'll hold you to it. Keep me updated on Maxwell's progress."

"I will." Heero paused before ending the call. "Wufei...don't tell Quatre."

"I'll try, but you know keeping something from Quatre is hard when in close proximity. I've got a meeting with him this weekend. He'll sense something is going on, and you know how he gets. I’ll do my best not to give it away, but you know him."

"Just try to keep him away. Duo is very fragile emotionally. I want to do this right."

He could hear the wheels turning in Wufei's head. "You're in l..."

Heero ended the call and slipped the phone back into his pocket. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. Wufei wouldn't tell anyone. Duo's accident was a matter of public record, but unless actively searching for him, it would be lost in a sea of thousands. They had all become used to Duo's absence. None of them would actively search for him unless something was brought to their attention.

But, it was only a matter of time before the others came. Wufei would stay away until invited, but if he was meeting with Quatre, the secret would be as good as revealed. Quatre could read all of them without even trying if they were in close proximity. He would sense something was bothering Wufei and like dog with a bone, not give up until the truth was laid out before him. He might not be able to read minds, but he could read hearts and Duo was a distinct part of all of them.

Time was short. He hoped it would be enough time to strengthen Duo's sense of self-worth. He feared it wasn’t enough time.


	4. Chapter 4

Heero was ripping up carpet, and glad of it. He liked walking on soft carpeting as much as the next person, but in the L-2 cluster, it was a foolish luxury. Cleaning carpet on a salvage cluster was a nightmare and something he was glad he would not have to do in the future. The dark grease stains he'd found were setting off his need to scrub until his hands were raw and the fibers pristine. He started his task in the small living area, pushing aside the few bits of mismatched furniture, something else that set him off, if only slightly less viciously. Almost as soon as he ended the call with Wufei, he began the process of ripping up the offending flooring, only to be shockingly pleased at what he found below. His brows shot into his hairline and he tugged more just to be certain of what he was seeing extended more than just a few feet.

Real hardwood flooring. 

It was in need of a sanding and waxing, but the dark wood flooring had the potential to be quite attractive with the proper care. Whomever Duo had bought the house from was an idiot to choose carpeting over repairing something that was even more rare on L-2. Wood was like any luxury and could only be imported from Earth. That made it an expensive building material. Nearly all houses and buildings on the majority of the colonies were made of metal or artificial materials. Wood was a luxury few could afford, particularly after the wars when most money was put into recovery and restructuring.

He wiped sweat from his brow and gave another tug at the carpet, pulling it up and rolling it as he went. The sound of Duo's music was the only sound he could hear from the workroom. He thought of Hilde's fear of Duo's suicidal tendencies, but very much doubted he would off himself with someone in his house. Suicide was not generally something one did with an audience.

With one final shove, he finished clearing the floor. Satisfaction rushed through him as he stared at the smooth slates of the wooden floor. The manual work was more than about making the space easier for Duo to navigate; it was also about providing Heero with something to do to keep his mind from drifting back into old habits.

The way he was in the past was like an itch in the back of his skull. It would take little effort to revert into those dark ways. The small quirks he had as a result of his life were bad enough. He'd already felt the residual traces of Zero affecting him and fighting it was futile. Without his work at the Preventers to keep him occupied, he turned his frustrations outward and into helping Duo as best he could until he could earn his friend's trust once more. 

Giving one final shove to the giant roll of worn carpeting, he slumped on the floor with a sigh and leaned his head against the wall. He closed his eyes and allowed the pulsing beat work through him. Duo's music was not the sort he generally cared to play for his own enjoyment, but it did in many ways represent Duo and as a result, he felt a sense of contentment as he listened to the heavy sounds of the bass and the gritty story told by the lyrics. 

He had so little time to help Duo before the inevitable dam broke. Wufei would end up breaking under Quatre's interrogation. Even the most stalwart of them would stand no chance when Quatre Winner wanted to know something. And when Quatre found out about Duo, it would only be a matter of time before he descended upon them. 

In some ways, Quatre was a control freak. And if one cog in his emotional machine was pushed out of place, he would do whatever he could to return it to proper working order, even if it was not to the benefit of any but himself. And even if he did not wish it, Duo was one of many cogs that Quatre considered his. He was so much more heavily invested in his friendships with those he had come to consider as family.

Heero was a bit surprised that Quatre had not kept a closer eye on Duo, but their old friend was not a complete asshole despite being a bit on the spoiled side. If Duo had pushed him away, he would have honored his wishes and kept his distance, probably only doing periodic checks. Even time would not change how Quatre felt toward any of them.

Taking a swallow of water from a bottle, he sighed before hefting himself to his feet and dragging the large roll of carpeting toward the front door and down the steps to the road where a disposal service would pick it up sometime during the early hours of the morning. He would tackle the other rooms later. For now, he needed to access what would be needed to bring life back into the faded wood.

His mind danced about as it calculated the supplies needed. As he was debating between manual sanding and buying a machine, an idea sparked in his head. He had researched the emotional toll a spinal injury had on a person and the most common was feelings of worthlessness. Without his legs, Duo was limited in what he could accomplish and that probably left such feelings room to fester. For someone like Duo, who ignored all limitations, it probably burned worse than anything.

The only possible problem with his idea was actually getting Duo to cooperate. He was at a crucial stage in his life when he could fall either way. Heero was determined for him to choose life, because he did not want to imagine a world without Duo. He had lived these past ten years content with the thought that Duo was out there somewhere, even if he was not by his side. If he was dead...

He shook his head and turned his glare inward. That was not an option. Failure was never an option when he took on a mission. Dr. J had instilled that into him to such a degree that no amount of medication or therapy could stop him from completing a task when he took it on. It was one of the many parts of his psychosis that the doctors had never been able to work out of him. It forced him to be cautious on the missions he accepted at the Preventers and in his life. Failure could very well trigger a breakdown. Wufei was aware of this and arranged it with their superiors for Heero to have full refusal rights for any mission assigned him by the higher ups.

He turned his gaze to the neglected flooring. To get this project underway, he would need to leave for supplies and unlike with quick trips to the grocer, a trip to a store for home repair would not be a short trip. And he was unwilling to leave Duo alone for any extended period until he could fully understand the depths of his depression. His jaw clenched and he shifted on his heels with a firm mask now placed on his face.

Duo would simply have to go with him.

He didn't even bother to knock as he opened the door to the workroom. Duo was hunched over a mainframe with an intense expression plastered on his face. The heat from the sodding iron had caused sweat to sheen on his temples and even a few droplets to trickle down his cheek. The music had shifted from a hard rock anthem to a slow ballad that seemed almost out of place on the playlist.

"Duo," he called from the door.

Duo heard him, he was certain in the way his shoulders stiffened and his jaw clenched. He didn't acknowledge him, not that he expected him to. The self-proclaimed God of Death always was a bit on the stubborn side.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

Duo threw down the tools and glared at him. "What?"

"I'd like to show you something that I found."

"And it couldn't wait until I was finished?"

Heero shrugged and backed out of the room. He could feel the glare of Duo's eyes as he rolled his chair toward the door and into the room. A low thump spoke when the wheels moved from old carpet onto hardwood flooring.

"Did you know you have hardwood floors?"

Duo blinked for a moment before shrugging. "So? You pulled up my carpet. Whoop-di-do. "

"This could be a nice space with some work."

A roll of eyes was all Heero received before Duo moved to twist his chair around. "Do whatever you want."

That attitude was not what he was going to allow and his hand shot forward to latch onto the back of Duo's chair. "I think you should help me restore it."

"Fuck what you think. Do I look like I'm in any shape to restore anything?"

Heero arched a brow and using both hands on the handles, he pulled Duo out of the doorway and pushed him toward the front door. The shocked surprise on Duo wore off quickly and his hands grappled at the wheels in an effort to stop the movement. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're going to go shopping."

"I don't want to go shopping," growled Duo.

"It wasn't a request."

Despite the force Duo exhibited in trying to keep them from exiting the house. His hands were no defense against Heero's strength and advantage. "Stop!"

Heero paused at the front door. "When was the last time you went outside?"

Duo glared viciously at him. The fire in his eyes was more than he had seen in Duo since he arrived and he almost smiled at the force. That was a glimpse of the Deathscythe pilot he remembered. Using kid gloves with Duo was an exercise in futility. It was probably why Hilde had failed before calling him. Duo needed to be forced to listen.

"We're going." Heero took the handles again and pushed Duo out into the artificial lighting of the colony. All the colonies were set on a 'day' and 'night' rotation, much like Earth. It was found in the early days of the colonization of space that humans and animals did noticeably better when there were introduced to environments similar to Earth. Many scientists hypothesized that it had to do with the natural circadian rhythm that millennia living on earth had instilled into the life living there. Dr. J had been intrigued by it as well and had used Heero as a sort of test specimen for experiments when they coincided with certain parts of his training. It had not bothered him to be treated as such, because by that time, nearly all emotion had been shoved into the back of his mind. Only the mission had mattered and if his participation in certain deviants of research made him a better soldier, it was all the better.

He bit back a grimace and forced his thoughts from the past. His focus needed to be on Duo and bringing him away from the edge. As they wheeled down the ramp, he paused beside a green pick-up. The rental agency had delivered it that morning and it would serve his needs far better than a smaller car.

"What is that?"

Heero glanced down at Duo. "My rental."

"God...I never thought I'd see that color again. Tell me you did not pick it."

A glance back at the color brought a frown to his lips. "I did not choose what vehicle they brought. What's wrong with the color?"

Duo sent an incredulous glance up at him before placing a hand over his eyes and laughing. "Are you blind? That truck is the same color as those awful shirts you used to wear."

He frowned at Duo's comment and gave a closer inspection of the truck's paint. "I suppose the color is similar."

"Similar? It's a dead ringer. You'd have to be color blind not to see it. Of all the shades of green in the universe, that has to be the absolute ugliest. Why the hell you wore it so often is a mystery to me."

Heero returned a glare toward Duo. "My clothes during the war were chosen for their strategic use. We were fighting on Earth and if I needed to hide in the forest, they provided me with a bit of camouflage but were not military in style so that I could blend into a crowd if need be."

"Did you just make that up to cover up your lack of style? What about those yellow shoes? Don't tell me those were so hunters wouldn't shoot you."

Heero ignored him and pushed the wheelchair around to the passenger side before opening the door and kneeling beside Duo. "You'll have to put your arms around me so I can lift you easily."

The slight bit of humor exposed by their short walk down memory lane evaporated from Duo's face. "I said I'm not going."

"I did not give you a choice. Either by choice or by force, I'm putting you in this vehicle," he stated firmly.

"Fuck you," snapped Duo in response.

Arguing was pointless, so he slipped his hands beneath Duo's legs and inserted an arm behind his back before lifting him up bridal style. Duo was practically fuming as he was lifted.

"Put me down, you asshole."

Heero simply grunted and used his leg to roll the chair out of the way. It was a bit worrisome at how light Duo was in his arms. There were times during the war when they had been forced to carry each other and he was certain Duo had weighed quite a bit more during those times. He made a mental note to be more forceful about mealtimes as he carefully sat Duo on the front seat. It only took a moment to fold Duo's wheelchair and lift it onto the bed of the truck.

As he slid into the driver's seat, he could practically feel Duo's anger. He hated playing the bad guy to him, but if it turned his anger outward instead of inward, he considered his mission successful—at least partially.

"Buckle up."

"Fuck you."

Heero shifted and stared at Duo. He forced his face into a blank mask. "Stop acting like a child or I'll treat you like one."

A battle waged on between their gazes. Duo violently fought against Heero's calm demeanor until he growled a few choice words under his breath and jerked the buckle around his body and into the slot. He glared angrily out the window but said no more as Heero drove down the street.

The silence was finally broken when Duo finally glanced at him. "Where are we going?"

"To somewhere I can find supplies to repair the hardwood on your floors."

Duo huffed out a breath and turned his gaze out to the passing buildings. The silence returned for another few minutes before he spoke again. "Do you even know where you're going?"

"I have directions on my phone."

"You actually trust internet directions?"

Heero sighed and slowed for a traffic light. "Do you have a better idea?"

Duo sighed dramatically and pointed to the right. "Turn here."

Doing as Duo requested, he moved the vehicle into the next lane and followed the road down to another intersection where again Duo had him turning. The only dialogue offered was the occasional direction to turn until they reached a small hardware store. It was a bit on the rundown side and had definitely seen better days. It definitely was not somewhere Heero would have thought to use.

"This isn't one of those huge chain places, but they're honest and they only carry quality items. I figured you would appreciate that since you're Mr. Perfect," grumbled Duo, almost too low for him to hear.

Heero smiled and slid out of the car, taking Duo's chair from the back and opening the passenger door. When he reached for Duo, his hands were slapped away. "I can do it."

Duo's arms shook a little as he lowered himself into a sitting position on the floorboard of the truck cab and then onto the chair. He looked to be out of breath by the time he was situated but didn't spare Heero a glance as he shoved his way across the parking area and up the ramp that led into the store.

Heero followed behind him and the smell of metal and paint assaulted his nose as he entered. It was different from the hardware stores on Earth where the scent of lumber immediately filled the air. Few could afford wood on the colonies and stores rarely carried it as a result.

A young man wearing a red apron immediately descended on them. "Can I help you with anything?"

Heero ignored the stare that Duo earned and pulled the kid's attention to himself. "We need sandpaper, quite a bit of it, wax sealer for wooden flooring, nails, and a hammer."

The employee blinked dumbly at Heero, earning an ever darkening scowl. "Uh...the nails, hammer, and sandpaper we have, but we'll have to order the sealer from Earth. It's pretty expensive."

Heero ignored the comment and glanced around the store. "Do you sell drapes?"

Duo glanced up. "What the hell is wrong with my drapes?"

The kid nodded. "Down that aisle."

Heero nodded and started down the aforementioned aisle, leaving Duo to fume. "Hey, I'm talking to you, damn it."

He turned and glanced down at Duo. "You're house is too dark. All the drapes are old and dusty and should be replaced."

"It's my house and I like those drapes," snapped Duo.

"I doubt that," retorted Heero before continuing down the aisle toward a series of displayed drapes. There wasn't an extensive variety of drapes, but he selected several in a light blue that would lighten the living room.

"How would you know what I would and wouldn't like? You haven't been around for ten years." Duo was slightly out of breath when he caught back up to Heero.

Heero sighed and turned away from the drapes. "Perhaps that is partly my fault, but it is partly yours as well."

Duo flinched and he immediately regretted his words. A sigh escaped and he picked up two colored drapes and displayed them for Duo. "Which do you like?"

A glare was all he received before Duo finally gestured to a Prussian blue. "That blue is fine."

Gathering up the chosen drapes, he paused as he passed Duo. "I never sought you out because I didn't think you wanted to see me. It was four years before I was in any shape to see anyone and by that time, I figured it was best to leave things as they were. Perhaps I was more at fault, but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah, for ten years I don't hear a peep out of you and then when I don't want you around, I can't get rid of you."

Heero lowered his eyes and moved towards the front of the store. "I'm sorry."

Duo remained silent as he moved past him. Only the rolling of the wheels on the hard floor of the store alerted him to Duo's presence following him.

The kid had already gathered the other items he had requested, minus the sealer to which he had a printed order form ready with the promise that the ordered item would be delivered to their address within three business days. The total was rather expensive, not that it mattered. Considering his minimalist lifestyle and the money he had horded from the wars, it would take a long while for him to ever be desperate for anything. The only reason he worked at the Preventers was to stave off the boredom that had set in.

The ride back to the house was silent. Duo had not spoken when Heero had lifted him into the truck, nor had he argued when he was lifted out and back into his chair. As he pulled Duo from the cab, he shivered at the warm feel created by the press of their bodies. A protective instinct rose even more fully in him as he gently settled Duo in his chair.

They made their way into the house, Heero stopping Duo from disappearing into his workroom with a gentle touch on his shoulder. "Help me."

Duo's eyes widened fractionally. "Huh?"

"Help me repair your flooring. You don't need legs to sand a floor."

His eyes narrowed fractionally as Duo spoke. "Are you trying some sort of psycho-crap with me?"

"No crap. I came here to be with you, not listen to the music on your stereo. We don't have to talk if you don't want to, I just..."

"And how do you propose I help you?" asked Duo.

Heero smiled and pulled out the large stack of sand paper he had purchased. "With these."

"Wouldn't it have been easier to buy a machine to do it? Not to mention quicker."

Heero shrugged his shoulders. "I like working with my hands."

Duo's eyes darted to where Heero's tapered fingers held the package. "I can't reach the floor in my chair."

It was another excuse and he almost smiled at the childish tone Duo had adopted. "Your rear end looks fine to me. Come on, Duo. I promise I won't force you to keep doing it if you really don't like it. If you help me do this, I'll leave after we're finished with the entire house if you still want me to."

"Let me get this straight. You'll leave me alone if I help you redo my floor?"

It was a gamble, but Heero nodded. "Affirmative."

Indecision played across Duo's face before he sighed dramatically. "Fine, whatever. Let me go take a piss first."

It took about ten minutes before Duo wheeled himself back into the living room and sat staring at Heero. "Where do we start?"

It was a small victory, but a victory none the less. With a deep sense of satisfaction, he wrapped his arms around Duo's waist and lifted him up so that they were chest to chest. Duo immediately grabbed onto his biceps and gasped.

"Fuck! Give a guy some warning when you do that."

Heero nodded and walked with Duo toward a side of the room. He gently and regrettably lowered Duo to the floor and adjusted his legs around him. Duo waved him away and slumped over as he moved his legs around and held out his hand for some sandpaper.

As Heero watched him begin to work on the wood, he frowned at how he was using the arm not sanding to hold his body upright. Perhaps this might not have been a wise decision. 

"Duo..."

"Are you going to just stand there or are you going to help?"

"Yes." He moved several feet away from him and settled on his knees. The only sound in the room was that of rough sandpaper scrapping across the floor.

After a bit of silence, Duo reached over for another square of sandpaper and with one in both hands, he began to scrub in circles. Heero did not pay him any mind until he heard him muttering under his breath.

"Right circle, left circle. Right circle, left circle."

Duo looked up as if feeling his eyes. "What? Never watched 'The Karate Kid'?"

Heero shook his head and Duo gapped at him. "You serious?"

"There is no logical point in me lying to you," he answered truthfully.

Duo shook his head and went back to his sanding. "Geez, it's a classic. You should watch it some time. It's good, even by today's standards. They did a couple of remakes, but the original is still the best."

Heero smiled to himself and continued to scrub. Their companionable silence was only interrupted when Duo would ask for more paper or for a bottle of cool water from the fridge, or when he felt the need to interject with some small comment. It was different from their times during the war when Duo rarely shut up, but at least the dark cloud that had surrounded him since Heero's arrival seemed a little less overwhelming. They paused for a simple dinner of some left over jam and peanut butter spread over the remainder of the bagels. He really would have to do some serious shopping tomorrow.

It wasn't until Duo's arms gave out and he collapsed on the floor did Heero jump to his feet and move to his side. "Are you alright?"

"Fuck, I'm out of shape," Duo growled. "I'm done. I can barely feel my arms."

Heero immediately scooped an arm beneath Duo's legs and then lifted him. He moved to the sofa that he had pushed out of the way and settled him down as gently as he good. "Should I call a physician?"

Duo shook his head and lifted a shaking hand to rub his shoulder. "Fuck, I'm going to be hurting tomorrow."

Without thinking, Heero moved Duo's hands away and replaced them with his own—brushing aside the long thick braid. His fingers worked deep into the muscles on his arms and across his shoulders. He could feel the forming of knots and sympathized with him. Duo was right. He was going to be in a lot of pain tomorrow.

"That feels good," moaned Duo.

Heero leaned against the arm of the sofa and pulled Duo between his spread thighs so that he could have better access to the expanse of muscle while keeping Duo comfortable and supported. His hands continued to work deep into the muscles, working out every knot and soothing exhausted muscles until Duo was practically liquid against him. He wasn't sure if he was even still awake and winced when he realized he was sporting a rather obvious erection that was shoving itself against the material of his jeans and into Duo's ass. Having free rein to touch and massage Duo was both a gift and a torture, causing him to shift in an attempt to get comfortable.

He forced his breathing to maintain its calm rhythm. Of all the times for him to become aroused. This wasn't about him, but he had trouble telling his body that. He placed his focus completely on Duo until he heard a breathless sigh escape Duo's parted lips.

"Duo?" he whispered.

"Hmm?" mumbled Duo.

"Don't fall asleep or I'll have to carry you to bed."

And just like that, the moment was broken like the popping of a soap bubble. Duo flinched awake and seemed to realize where he was and the position he was in. The small blessing was that he probably did not feel the hard shaft poking firmly at his bottom.

"Don't touch me," he snapped and used his quivering arms to drag himself away from Heero.

The tone helped calm the heat flowing through Heero. "I was only trying to reduce the amount of soreness you'll have tomorrow."

"I can take care of myself." Duo scowled and pointed to his wheelchair across the room. "Get me my chair."

"Duo..."

"Get me the damn chair before I crawl and get it myself."

Heero frowned, but did as he was told. Duo shrugged away his offer of help and struggled back into the chair. With firm hands he pushed himself away from Heero.

"I'll be glad when we finish this damn floor. Then I'll be rid of you and everything will get back to fucking normal."

Heero did flinch at that. He watched with barely concealed sadness as Duo disappeared from sight and down the hall. With Duo gone, he slumped on the sofa and cradled his head in his hands. He had almost reached that point where there was a renewed connection until Duo severed it. He took a few breaths and considered taking a pill before shaking his head. He didn't want to become dependent on them. A good night's sleep was what he needed. Tomorrow he would keep pressing and hopefully this route would pay off. He only wished he could get Duo into confiding in him. With a huffing sigh, he moved toward the guest bathroom and the much needed shower.


	5. Chapter 5

_He stood in the control room of an OZ base, hunched over the master computer with an intense expression focused on the data he was sent to obtain on the new models of mobile suits being produced. In the corner of the room, a dead OZ soldier lay in a pool of his own blood, dead because of his bad luck to be on duty during the mission. He didn't give the dead man another glance as his fingers flew over the keyboard, sending the files to the portable memory stick he had inserted into the drive. One man's life was not important when compared to that of millions and his emotions had been trained, beaten even, out of him. His mission was important. Both Earth and the colonies depended on his success._

_A feeling of intense satisfaction washed over him as the final file was transferred onto the stick and he jerked it out with a small rarely seen smile. He slipped the small device into a hidden pocket, grabbed his gun, and prepared to sneak from the base before the dead body in the control room was found and an alarm sounded._

_Just as he turned to leave, the door to the room opened and a young girl, probably not more than a few years older than himself if appearances were to be trusted, stepped into the room. She was wearing the uniform of an OZ recruit and froze where she stood, her face bleaching white at what she saw._

_Her large blue eyes darted from Heero to the body lying only a few feet away. A scream rose in her throat, but was never released as a bullet exploded from his gun and buried itself into her skull. She crumpled like discarded doll on the floor and he quickly moved to pull her inside before they were spotted by patrolling guards._

_Pausing with his hand on the door, he glanced once more to the girl staring blindly toward the ceiling. Something inside him flickered and another memory, one he had been forced to repress for so long—one of another dead girl and her small dog._

_The gun he still cradled in his hand shook slightly and a gasping breath escaped his contracted throat. The synapse in his brain fired rapidly and long months of retraining flared inside him, nearly shutting him down completely. All emotion bled from him as his mind sought to take control over the lapse. Emotion had no place in war._

_Just as quickly as the flutter of emotion occurred, it vanished and the emotion that had attempted to rise forth was tamped down once more. The perfect mask of emotionlessness reappeared and all feeling was muted under the haze of it. He didn't spare the crumpled bodies another look as he escaped from the room and then the facility. The mission and completing it was all that mattered. He was a tool to bring about peace._

Heero's eyes shot open and he barely registered anything other than the rise of bile in his throat. A garbled cry escaped his throat as he lunged to his feet and rushed toward the small guest bathroom just outside his room.

His dinner rushed upward and he gagged and gripped the toilet as heaves wracked his body. Even after his body had nothing left to give, he continued to gag and cough. Tears he had not realized he'd shed dripped wetly down his cheeks. Only when his body stopped its painful heaves did he finally lay his head onto the rim of the toilet and groan. It had felt so real—the way he had killed those two people with only the faintest twinge of regret that was immediately wiped away as if it was never there. He couldn't even really recall their faces other than that the girl had possessed unusually bright red hair and blue eyes. He hadn't cared, or rather; his training had not allowed him to care. The mission always took priority. Anything and anyone else was expendable. It reminded him of how he had been little more than a robot for so long and only allowed small periods of true emotional relief—many of those being the times he spent with the other pilots when not on missions.

Each brought with them some unique trait that effectively helped him survive those dark days. Quatre always had a gentleness about him that soothed him. Trowa's silent companionship spoke loads of his understanding. Wufei's intelligence and learned knowledge offered him an intellectual distraction.

But, it was Duo who truly distracted him. He couldn't show it, not really, but he had always treasured the outgoing personality that Duo portrayed. In a way, he envied him for it. They were polar opposites and that alone drew him...and distracted him—both in a good and dangerous way. His conditioning never allowed him to fully express what Duo meant to him. Only years of therapy had broken down the walls created around him—at least enough to function in society at any rate. 

He always had the dreams and they varied. Sometimes they focused on the war and other times on his training prior to the start of the operation. It had been several months since he'd last had a dream so hauntingly vivid. 

For so long after the wars, they had haunted him—the ghosts of all the lives he took with barely a thought. Completing the mission had been his sole goal during those dark times. His entire being had been practically programed, much like a computer. Even now, after over ten years, he still struggled. He had regained his humanity, but at the near cost of his sanity. The dead were determined to be heard, even if only through his memories.

Releasing a shuddering breath, he struggled to his feet and stood before the sink. His face was pale, covered in cold sweat and streaked with tears. The sclera of his eyes was bloodshot and the shadows beneath looked far too much like bruises. In simple terms, he looked like shit.

He splashed some cool water on his face and groaned. It didn't take a psychiatrist to understand why he'd experienced another episode as this. Duo. Each time they made a step forward, they were forced to take two back. They were not making the progress he had hoped and that failure was causing his mental stability to weaken. He wasn't anywhere near a breakdown, but he was paying for the lack of more progress.

Even knowing the strain it was putting on him and his own sanity, he refused to abort the mission at hand. Duo meant too much to him for him to simply leave him to waste away. He doubted he was at the point where he could abort. Too much of himself was invested in healing Duo.

Swallowing against the acrid taste coating his tongue, he grabbed his toothbrush and scrubbed at his mouth until the haunting taste of his past sins was no longer present. He only wished it was as easy to wash clean his conscience. Letting go of his conditioning had caused far more pain than he would have ever thought possible.

His body felt heavy as he collapsed once more onto the lumpy mattress in the guestroom. His mind was far too active to even hope at returning to sleep and considering the dreams haunting him, he was not sure he wanted to return to that realm again.

Finally, his body allowed his mind to rest in a similar state to a doze, something he and most of the others had learned well during those long months of war when they had to be ready to fight or flee at a moment's notice. His body had learned to exist on little to no sleep and even ten years later, he rarely slept deep enough that he couldn't wake up at a moment's notice if he needed to. Wartime habits were hard to break when at one point his life had depended on them. He had come a long way from the near robot he had been before a near breakdown had forced him to leave Relena's service and enter a facility that could help him.

He sighed and rolled over. His eyes remained closed and he allowed his mind to recall the first time he met Duo. Though it was a result of great pain for him, it was one of his happiest memories because it was then that someone had broken through the shell he had created, even if it was with bullets. When his phone began to chime an incoming call, he frowned at the disturbance and reached to the bedside table and lifted it to his ear, sparing a quick glance to the time. It was later than he had thought. 

"Yuy."

"How are things going?"

Heero's eyes fluttered open at Hilde's voice. "Undetermined."

"That bad?" she sighed. "I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner, Heero. It's just, I..."

"It's fine. There is some progress. He has accepted my presence somewhat."

"In other words, he hasn't kicked you out yet. That's a good sign, I guess."

Heero huffed a small laugh. "I think the only reason for that is because he can't physically do it...at least not yet."

Hilde hummed quietly. "I wouldn't be too certain of that. He still considers you a friend, I'm certain of it."

He considered her comment, but dismissed it as opinion based. "I doubt our friendship, if you could call it that, has endured. I never treated him well during those days. He was simply another piece on the chess board."

"Those were hard times, Heero. We were all children fighting in a war that should never have come to be. Our generation is scarred beyond repair. We've all been touched by what OZ became and what we were forced to do in retaliation. Those memories will haunt us forever."

"Some more than others," he murmured, more to himself than a response to her.

"Do you speak from experience, Heero?" she asked quietly.

Heero didn't respond, simply swung his legs over the side of the bed and sighed. The muscles in his shoulders and arms were a little stiff, a mixture of the physical labor and the poor sleep he'd had the previous night. If he was tender this morning, he imagined that Duo was in a much worse state. The rumbling in his stomach alerted him to the pitiful dinner they had enjoyed the night before. They needed groceries and he was not going to leave Duo again to go procure them.

"Hilde, can I ask a favor?"

"Of course," she answered.

"We are in dire need of supplies. I don't want to leave Duo to buy them, and considering what we did yesterday, I doubt he will be in much shape for going with me. Could you bring us some things to last a few days?"

"That idiot," she growled, almost too low for him to hear.

She must have understood his questioning silence, because she set off on a tirade. "That idiot Duo told me he had groceries delivered every few days. If you you're asking me to bring groceries, then you must not have a damn thing to eat in that place. God...what an ass, lying to my face like that."

"Duo is...complicated."

"No shit," she growled. "I'll bring some things over in a few hours."

"One thing, Hilde." Heero grabbed a t-shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. "Don't antagonize him. I don't want to push him further into his shell. A setback would not be helpful at this point."

"He has to know what he's doing to the people who care about him."

Heero slipped a sock on his foot and fought the urge to snap at her. She meant well, but she didn't understand. Her part in the wars was nothing compared to theirs. She didn't have the same mental baggage they carried. 

"He knows."

"But..."

"I know what I'm doing."

He could almost hear the urge in her to argue with him before she heaved a loud sigh. "Fine. I'll let you work on him for a while. I just hope you know what you're doing."

Heero ended the call and slipped his phone into his pocket. He hoped he knew what he was doing too, considering that he felt as if he were walking in quicksand and the harder he tried the deeper he sank.

[center]oOo[/center]

Duo blinked awake in the muted light of his bedroom. He was surprised he hadn't dreamed while he slept. Dreams called to him nearly every night. In his dreams he could walk and feel and fuck. They were a nice place to be, even the ones that weren't so nice. At least they were better than the nightmare he lived in when his mind finally awoke.

For several long minutes, he lay unmoving in bed. Sleep continued to draw at him and even with a night's rest, he felt an unusual exhaustion. The covers pulled over him were warm and drew him into a doze that lasted only a scant few moments. As much as he wished it, he couldn't lay in bed all day. Getting dressed would take a while and then there was the process of urinating and shitting on the set schedule he had trained of his body. Those schedules didn't allow much time to stay abed.

Pulling at the covers, he moved to lift his torso enough to grab the bar he used to pull himself into a sitting position when agony screamed through his muscles. A gasp escaped him as he lay staring at the ceiling. "What the fuck?"

He couldn't recall ever having such agonizing muscle pain. Just the act of lifting his arms above him was pure torture. He even tried to adjust the head of the bed to raise his torso, but it only helped minutely. Reaching for the bar nearly brought tears to his eyes and as he grabbed it, he knew he did not have the strength in his arms to pull himself into a sitting position. His muscles quivered with pain and weakness.

Duo released a low cry and dropped back down to the bed with a grunt. "Fuck me."

He needed to get out of the bed. Bad things happened if he got off his schedule. Urine could back up into his kidneys, causing an infection or worse. His bowels could become impacted if he didn't shit often enough and that brought on the nightmare of giving himself an enema. He wanted to bang his head into the wall for being an idiot and overtaxing his muscles to the point he had. It was just that for a while last night, he had felt almost normal as he scrubbed away the years of neglect on the hardwood flooring.

Gritting his teeth he played his options through his head. He could try waiting a few minutes to see if he was able to push through the pain enough to get into a sitting position. Even if he did, he wasn't sure he had the strength in his arms to lift himself into the chair. The second option was the more plausible even if it was one he dreaded implementing. 

"God...I'm such an idiot." He lifted his palms to his eyes and fought back the tears. It really was the only option and as much as he hated Heero seeing him in the chair, he hated the thought of him seeing him as helpless as he was now. He was still pissed at him for coming in and making him begin to feel things he had long since buried. Heero made things so damn hard for him and now he needed him to help him before his kidneys exploded from backed up urine. There were times when he was certain the universe hated him.

It took several minutes and long deep breaths before he felt more in control of the situation and his emotions. It was then he called out. "Heero!"

He did not have to wait long before his bedroom door flew open and Heero stood before him. Embarrassment flushed his cheeks and he wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

"Duo?"

Duo sighed and turned his gaze back to the ceiling. "I need help. I'm too sore to move to my chair."

He wasn't sure why he expected Heero to laugh. That wasn't something Heero would do even to a joke, why would he laugh at the cripple? He guessed it was because it was something he had come to expect from those not living the life he did.

Heero didn't say a word. He moved with that cautious grace he had always possessed and slipped a gentle, but strong arm under Duo's legs and behind his back. It was almost ridiculous how easily he was lifted into the strong arms.

Duo's arm shot out and wrapped itself around strong shoulders and he shuddered at the firm feel of muscle beneath his palm. Heero had always possessed an overlooked strength. He was a slender man of Japanese descent. True, he had filled out more in recent years with pleasantly broad shoulders tapering down into a narrow waist, but at how easily he was lifted surprised him.

Heero cradled him against his chest and Duo unconsciously lifted a hand to press to Heero's chest. The hard pump of a strong heart thrummed against his palm. For the longest time, he remained firmly placed in the strong arms holding him until the shock faded and he realized the intimacy of the embrace.

"You can put me down," he said hoarsely.

Heero's deep blue eyes met his and for a moment he was lost in those orbs made of Prussian blue. There was a pause before he was ever so gently lowered into the chair, his feet carefully arranged on the footrests.

"Thanks," he grunted and gave a firm push with his hands before groaning.

"Duo?"

"Just sore. It's been a while since I did any manual labor."

Heero frowned and stepped forward, taking ahold of the handles and pushing him forward toward the bathroom. "Do you need any help?" he asked as they entered the white interior.

Duo choked on some saliva and glared at the other. "Do I offer to shake your dick when you're finished pissing?"

Heero blinked and frowned. Duo could see the wheels turning in his head and shook his head. For as different as Heero was, there were times when he was all too similar. "That means get out so I can get my shit done."

"I'll be in the bedroom if you need me."

Duo snorted and opened a drawer where he kept the straight caths. He reached over to wash his hands before tugging his lounge pants and adult diaper down enough to latch onto his dick. It was half hard, not particularly unusual. His body still had some reactions, even if he couldn't feel them, and that made him all the more bitter.

He dipped the end of the catheter into the accompanying gel and gently inserted it into the end of his penis. When he reached bit of resistance, he took a breath and gently rolled the catheter. A small gasp left his throat and a faint tingle shot up his spine. He did have minor sensation in his prostate, not enough to be worth sticking anything up his ass, but it was a feeling he occasionally experienced when inserting the catheter. He supposed he should be grateful that he couldn't feel the catheter; he'd heard from others that the experience was not very pleasant.

He watched the dark yellow urine work its way down the tube and into the bag. What he wouldn't give for the injury to have been just a few vertebrae lower. Maybe then he would have had control over his bladder and bowels.

When he was certain that his bladder was empty, he extracted the catheter and deposited it in the trash. The part he wasn't looking forward to loomed before him and heaven be damned if he would call for Heero again to help with this.

He had to bite his lower lip until he tasted copper on his tongue, but he made it onto the toilet. He struggled to push the pants and diaper down his leg, leaned his head on his hand, and waited. He didn't shit every day, but he hadn't the day before so he needed to in the next day or two, otherwise, an enema was in order.

For fifteen minutes he sat and nothing came of it. He groaned and shifted himself back into his chair with much struggling. He wanted to shower. The sweat on his body from the evening before had dried and left his skin itchy and his hair faintly greasy.

He rolled his wheelchair over the slight bump of the specially made shower and transferred himself onto the seat. His legs were always the most frustrating part. They were cumbersome and complete dead weight, needing to be maneuvered around by hand before he could even start the bath. 

With a grunt of relief, he flipped on the spray and turned the handheld sprayer away from him until the water warmed. He nearly groaned at the pleasure of the warm water washing over him—soothing his muscles as much as could be expected. A practiced action released his hair from its long braid and he sighed as water worked through the thick tresses.

He didn't mind showers. They were more convenient for bathing and washing his hair, but damn he missed baths. Soaking in a tub filled with bubbles was always a guilty pleasure of his. There were times when he wondered if it was his secret inner women coming out...not likely. If he had a feminine side, bubble bathes were the extent of it.

Grabbing the shampoo after dropping the spray, he lathered his hair and whimpered a little as his fingers worked deep into his scalp. The only thing better than washing his hair was having someone else do it for him. Having others groom him was always a bit of a kink with him, and surprisingly one he never let Hilde participate in.

He frowned and wiped at runaway suds before they could drip into his eye. There were a lot of the secret parts of his soul that he had never let Hilde have access to. Maybe that was why they hadn't lasted as long as he had hoped. Or rather, he kept telling himself it was the reason when the actual ruiner of his former relationship with Hilde was standing in his bedroom at that very moment. It wasn't Hilde's fault that their relationship had ended. No one would ever measure up to Heero in his heart. He had been stupid to even try and fill the void made only for Heero to fill and now it was too late.

"Stop that, damn it!"

He refused to dwell on those thoughts and washed the shampoo from his hair. The past didn't matter anymore. He would simply placate Heero for the time it took for him to redo the flooring and then everything would go back to the way it was. Heero would return to Earth and that was that. Then, maybe, he could find some solace because the longer he spent with Heero, the less he wanted to die. It was strange, because the longer he spent with Heero, the more it hurt. The calculations did not add up and he'd always been good with math.

A knock sounded on the bathroom door and he started. "Duo? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, damn it. I've been showering by myself for ages. Go do something." He glared through his dripping bangs and rinsed the rest of his body. His muscles still hurt like hell, but at least the heat and steam of the shower had loosened them enough that he could move a little better. A soak would have been better, but he was not going to go there.

Shutting off the water, he began the long process of drying and dressing. He ran his hands over his legs and ass, checking for cuts and sores. He knew the risks and had no intention of playing into them. Ideally, he would have another person check his bottom, but one made do with what they had. And it would be a cold day in Hell before he let Heero Yuy check his ass.

Duo blinked and snickered as a tear tracked down his cheek. Laughing and crying at the same time seemed an oxymoron. There was a time he would have given anything for Heero to check out his ass. Considering the tight pants he wore during those days, it wouldn't have taken much.

"Damn it," he hissed and wiped away the tear with the towel before grabbing his diaper and clean pants.

Another twenty minutes and he was very slowly pushing his chair out of the bathroom. He hadn't braided his hair yet and it hung damp around his face. He stared up at Heero and frowned when he saw the intense look in his eyes. "What?"

Heero shook his head and took the brush from where it lay on Duo's lap. "Hey!"

Seconds later, the thick bristles were running through his hair and he gasped at the tingle they created. His hands gripped the arm of his chair and he shuddered, almost minutely, at the pull on the strands. The touch wasn't sexual, but it was intimate. Only a few people had ever been allowed to go anywhere near his hair. Despite everything that had happened to him over the years, his hair was the one thing he could never part with. It was as much a part of him as an arm or a leg and having Heero so carefully caring for it was akin to heaven.

He couldn't stop the purr that rumbled from his chest at the attention. He forgot everything—anger, frustration, bittersweet longing. Everything faded away and the soul focus of his existence lived in the firm, but gentle pull of a cheap hairbrush.

The muscles of his upper body trembled with each tug. He bit his lip to keep from moaning while his heart picked up a rapid pace. When the brush was set aside, he nearly whimpered a plea for him to continue, but kept silent. He was weak enough without sounding it too.

Heero's hands nimbly plaited his hair into a simple braid and tied the end with one of many rubber bands housed in a jar on his dresser. The braid was draped carefully over his shoulder and the hands completely removed from his person.

And he wanted to cry out for them to return. He ducked his head and refused to meet Heero's gaze. "Thank you," he muttered.

Heero's face softened momentarily. "Do you feel like going out for breakfast? Your kitchen doesn't have anything but old pickles and some ketchup."

"The breakfast of champions."

"Duo..."

"Come on, we've eaten worse."

Heero glared and Duo laughed. The teasing reminded him of times during the first war. Heero had been no fun to tease because he rarely rose to the bait, but Wufei. Their Chinese companion on the other hand...

He snickered under his breath and shook his head. He missed the others. Wufei with his stick up his ass and a kinky infatuation with justice. Trowa with his sad eyes and quiet demeanor. Quatre with his bright red blushes and hard core strategizing. He missed them, but never wanted to see any of them again.

"Duo? Do you feel up to going out?"

He sighed and glanced up at Heero. "Would you listen if I said no?"

"If the reason was valid, I would listen."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Your version of valid and my version of valid are distinctly different."

"Why is that?" Heero's lips quirked in a small, barely there, smile and the pit of Duo's stomach fluttered. 

"Because you're a fucking asshole who won't leave me alone until I do what you want," snapped Duo before using his hands to shove the chair toward the door, ignoring the stinging burn in his biceps. He rolled down the hall and toward the front door before glancing over his shoulder. "Are you coming?"

Heero nodded. "Yes."

As he wheeled out of the house and into the artificial lights of the colony, he glared at Heero. "I'm making you pay, by the way."

Duo wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the slight tilt on Heero's lips grew. Heero had always been difficult to read because he had never really shown much emotion. Now seeing small expressions of feeling on him only made him that much harder to understand. The curious, almost dead part of him pulsed to life. It wanted to know this Heero, the one with the gentle smile and determined glare. He tried to tamp down the spark that rose in him. Anything he felt would only end up hurting him in the end. It would be pure torture since all he wanted was for the pain in his heart to stop by any means.


	6. Chapter 6

The small diner was busy, busier than he would have liked. He drew eyes wherever he went because of the chair. People were always curious as to why he couldn't walk. It was that natural human curiosity. And it was Heero's fault that he was suffering through it.

Why did that asshole always seem inclined to force him into public? It had been months since he had left his house and now Heero had forced him out twice in as many days—first to the supply store and now to a diner.

What was his agenda? Heero had always been someone who calculated odds in his head, made worse after the nightmare with the Zero system. Both Heero and Quatre had come out worse for it. Quatre had said something to him in one of their moments alone not long after the second war ended. He told him that he would never forget what Zero had made him feel.

It had made him feel nothing.

It had taken away the emotional part of control and presented precise data at a rate that even the most powerful of computers had trouble computing. It forced the user interfacing with it to see all possible outcomes before they happened and then choose the one with the highest success percentage. In theory, it sounded great; but when the higher success was at the cost of more lives than was emotionally acceptable, the human pilot was tortured. Everyone experienced Zero differently, but any way it was looked at, that accursed program was a nightmare.

Heero had never really talked about his time with it, but it was obvious that he had scars left from it as well. To what degree, he could only speculate.

A menu was placed in his hand, pulling him from the past meanderings. Duo stared at it with only the mildest of interest. He wasn't really reading it. Other thoughts occupied his mind, thoughts he could not simply push away with a force of will. The primary cause of those thoughts was sitting across from him in the small diner, looking as calm and collected as he always had. Heero, if anything, could hide what he was feeling better than anyone else. 

His eyes darted up to glance every so often at his companion. He wished Heero would admit defeat and go. And he wanted him to stay and never leave. It was a doubled bladed sword that cut him either way he looked at it. That damn emotional upheaval that Heero had brought to him. He'd been fine, tired and ready to finally rest when in he stormed and tore from him that one promise of peace.

Now, he knew he would never be capable of taking that final step. Heero had ruined him. He would willingly suffer simple because there still existed a bond with him. That small bond, reaffirmed in recent days, was all it took. Years ago, he would have given anything to have any sort of relationship with Heero acknowledged.

He seemed so different—a robot that became human rather than one playing at it. He tried not to admit it to himself, but he liked this Heero. Everything about him was different, but still the same. It caused him to wonder if he might have had a real chance with him had the accident not ruined everything.

That particular thought caused him to clench his jaw and slam his menu closed. He was willingly torturing himself with such thoughts. Heero was a friend, and only a friend. It was the way things had always been between them. They had synced easily on the battle front, but in the matters of the heart, they seemed to be forever out of tune.

Not that he could ever have a normal sexual relationship again even if he was able to connect. Yeah, he could get a partial erection with manual stimulation, but what the hell good did that do him if he couldn't feel anything noteworthy? If he had sex and was penetrated, he might feel a little tingle here and there from his prostate, but even that wasn't worth the risk of impaction.

The thought made him wince and reach into the bag he kept on his chair. Inside were several prescription bottles. Publically taking the drugs couldn't be any worse than sitting in a full restaurant in a wheel chair.

Heero glanced up from his menu and frowned at the bottles that were lined up on the table. He reached for one, but Duo was faster, snatching the bottle before he could examine it. It didn't stop him from questioning him. "What are those?"

"None of your damn business."

Duo glanced at the prescription in his hand. Docusate sodium. Fuck if he would let Heero know he took stool softeners. That was one prescription he was not going to let him see and he sure as hell was not going to let him know he hadn't had a bowel movement in several days.

The other bottles contained muscle relaxers and vitamins—definitely less intrusive than the one he held hidden in his hand. Heero shot him an unreadable look before returning his gaze to his menu. Duo wasn't stupid enough to think that he was distracted by what he was reading. He could practically feel Heero's attention on him. At least he was being given the facade of privacy.

He tossed back the docusate and the muscle relaxer. The muscles in his back were stiff and threatening to spasm. It was hard for a normal person to appreciate the muscles of the lower back and ass until one could not use them. His upper core muscles in his abdomen were forced to compensate for those in his lower back. 

Heero was still giving him his false sense of privacy when he tucked the pill bottles back into the bag and sighed. "You know, you could have just gone out and gotten something. You didn't have to drag me along."

"I don't like leaving you alone."

Duo rolled his eyes skyward. "I've been living alone for a while now. I know how to take care of myself."

"Your situation and the state of your home show otherwise." Heero tilted his head and arched a brow, as if wanting him to respond. And damn, that asshole knew just how to promote a reaction from him.

"My house is just fine and I do pretty damn well with my 'situation' as you call it." Anger created a flush in his cheeks and he was moments away from attempting to slug Heero just for being an ass.

Heero frowned and folded his menu before settling those piercing blue eyes on him. His face was a mask reminiscent of the past and his voice annoyingly calm. "You're fooling yourself, Duo. You're underweight, almost to the point of a serious problem. You're depressed with probable suicidal tendencies and you're forcibly attempting to eject anyone who cares about you from your life. My opinion is that your 'situation' is dire."

"Like you would know."

"I can observe well enough to know that you cannot keep going on the track you have set yourself."

Duo dropped his voice when he saw their conversation was drawing the attention of the other diners. "It's my life and I can set myself to go anywhere I want. You don't control me."

Heero was silent, his eyes boring deep holes into him. He'd never been much of a talker. Going over mission parameters and holding a conversation were two very different things. The turning wheels in his head were spinning.

"I don't want to control you. I only want to help you. I want to see the person who would not break under pressure, but rather bent the pressure to suit him. I miss that person."

Duo shivered at the smooth sound of his voice, both in longing and agony. How could he tell him that he wasn't sure that person existed any longer? He'd forgotten what it felt like to be the Duo Maxwell others had grown to love or hate. Who he was now was not going to change.

"What do you want me to tell you, Heero? That I'll work hard at being happy? I can't. I'm tired. I'm tired of...everything."

"That's when you stop relying on yourself and use the resources given to you."

Duo shook his head while rolling his eyes. "You continue to amaze me. Only you could make a simple statement sound like a mission."

Heero shrugged. "Maybe you should do so as well. It would be logical."

"Logical? What do you think we are, Vulcans?"

Duo could barely keep a straight face when one of Heero's brows rose in question. He was positive that he wasn't doing it on purpose, but merely reacting to his lack of pop culture history with an unspoken question. That it resembled Spock was purely ironic considering how similar in many ways Heero was to the Vulcan race from the old Star Trek movies and television shows.

"Duo?"

He shook his head and bit his lip to hold in the snicker. "Give me a second."

Heero frowned and moved to rise. "Are you in pain?"

"I can't..." Holding back the laughter was actually beginning to hurt.

"Duo! Do you need me to call a doctor?"

That was it. He couldn't take it anymore. Slamming his palm down on the table, he choked lightly before roaring laughter flooded from him. Tears leaked from his eyes, trailing down his face as laughter continued to roll from him. He didn't have to look around to know the other patrons of the diner were likely looking at him like an insane person. It didn't matter. He couldn't stop. It had built inside him to the point that stopping was impossible.

It wasn't the Vulcan-like response from Heero, not completely. It was merely the catalyst of everything. The laughter was like crying in some ways. It was his way of releasing the build-up inside him.

Heero sat down quietly and simply watched him. He could feel his eyes most of all. They burned him, clear to his soul, just as they always had.

"God, I needed that." As the laughter tapered off, he wiped at his tear streaked face and finally faced his companion. He wasn't sure what expression he expected to see, but the soft smile on Heero's face wasn't it. "What?"

Heero did not have a chance to respond. A nervous looking waitress appeared by their table with pen and pad in hand. "Are you two ready to order?"

"I'll have two eggs, over easy, with toast and hash browns." Duo grinned broadly up at her. "I'm not crazy, by the way. He just said something really funny."

The woman's eyes darted to Heero, where the smile had disappeared behind a carefully blank facade. She looked as if she didn't quite believe him. Not that he could blame her for thinking that. When Heero didn't want others to know what he was thinking, he could close up tighter than a safe. At least his face no longer held that cold disdain. The softness in his eyes remained even with the smile gone.

"Ignore him," drawled Heero, his blank mask never breaking for even a moment. "I'll have the special."

She nodded and walked off as quickly as she could, looking confused and a little bit startled. She probably thought they were both insane, not that she would be far off in that sort of thinking. He was fucked up royally and Heero wasn't much better. He might act like he was normal, but he couldn't hide the truth. After all they had been through, they were all insane.

"You scared her off."

Heero glanced over the rim of his coffee cup. "If I recall, it was you who was laughing like a lunatic."

"It was laughing. No one can hate a guy who is laughing. You're the one who's face looks like a mask."

Duo was surprised when Heero started. Almost immediately the mask that remained in place crumbled away. "I apologize. I hadn't realized."

"Realized what?" Now he really was confused.

Heero chuckled, though the laugh did not completely reach his eyes. "I hadn't realized I was slipping. I thought I had at least maintained a normal outward appearance."

"What?" Duo's eyes darted over Heero's face. "You look normal, I guess. Hell, to me it looks strange because I'm used to you being an asshole robot, so I can't really judge."

"I suppose you're not completely wrong about that." Heero dropped his eyes and sighed. "It was hard after the wars. I tried to continue on as if nothing had changed. Working with Relena seemed to be the next logical step. She was working to bring about a complete peace. It seemed right."

"There you go with the logic. I swear..."

His interjection was ignored, which was not surprising. Heero had always been the best at ignoring him. 

"After a few months, I found myself willing to sacrifice others in my goals...I did sacrifice others. That was when I realized something was off. During the war it was fine. Sacrifice was a part of it all, but during peace times, it felt wrong. For a while I tried to compensate, but my programing was too ingrained. That was when I committed myself to an institution."

Now that was a shock. "Like...a crazy house type of institution?"

"I prefer mental institution."

"Whatever...did the others know?"

Heero shook his head. "Not at first. Quatre found out initially. He was the first to approach me. Trowa was the next, logically."

"Of course. I still think those two are doing the nasty on the side...no matter what bullshit Quatre feeds you about liking women." Jokes had always been his way of dealing with things, lightening the mood so he didn't have to live in the darkness. And now, he was instinctually doing it for Heero's sake.

"They aren't involved," said Heero. "They are just really close friends."

"Right..." he snorted. "So, did the crazy house help?"

Heero nodded. "It helped me...adjust."

"So, the docs reprogramed you? How did they go about that?"

He shook his head and frowned. "Not reprogram. Dr. J was too good at his job. I'll never be normal, but I can pass. I have more control over my actions, but my mental processes will never be like a normal person. Medication helps, but I still have episodes when I fall back onto the old ways. My mind attempts to purge emotion."

Duo snorted and rolled his eyes. "Like we could ever be normal after what we went through. Neither of us will ever be normal by society's standards. Hell, not even Mr. Well-balanced Winner can claim that, I would imagine. Even before I was in this chair, I wasn't normal. Hell, I couldn't keep a relationship for more than a few months. The only reason my relationship with Hilde lasted so long was because of our friendship. I don't know how the others are coping, but I know I wasn't and still aren't what you would call normal."

A smile creased Heero's lips. "The dreams are the worst."

"Yeah," whispered Duo. "We were fucked-up kids fighting a war we had no business fighting. Now we're fucked-up adults who are homicidal, suicidal, and likely sociopathic."

"Yes," Heero agreed.

"What does that say for us when we can admit that we're damaged goods?" Duo leaned into his chair and shifted his eyes away.

"That we are only human?"

"I guess. Sometimes I wonder. After everything, you understand, right?"

Heero frowned and clenched the hand that was resting on his thigh. "About?"

"Wanting it to end."

For a moment, he thought he saw a glimmer of fear in Heero's eyes. He wasn't sure, because he had never seen that look on the other's face. It was strange because he could recall times when he had been forced to pull a gun on the enemy because they always wore that look. It was strange and shocking at the same time.

"Heero?"

Heero's jaw tightened to such a degree, that it looked as if he was going to shatter his jaw. A dark shadow passed over his face before it was hidden once more as he exhaled a deep breath. "Sometimes."

Duo turned his gaze out the window. Heero understood. He wondered if he was happy at that knowledge or afraid.

They lapsed into silence, each lost in their own thoughts. When their food was placed before them, they tucked in to eat in continued silence. The food tasted like cardboard, but he swallowed it down all the same. He didn't want to hear it from Heero about how he wasn't eating enough.

"Are you finished?"

A quick glance at his plate showed all but the crust of his toast gone. He could barely recall eating any of it and blinked in shock. Had his mind been that preoccupied?

"Yeah, I guess I am."

Duo allowed Heero to take control of his chair and push him toward the waiting vehicle. He didn't even bother to argue when warm arms wrapped around his torso and carefully lifted him into the cab. Something between them had connected. Was it a bad thing that for the first time in over a decade, they were connecting, even if it was over their mental instability?

He didn't really know what to think. The longer Heero stayed with him, the harder it was to imagine him leaving. It pissed him off because he would be the one hurt in the end. He would be the one left alone. Considering that he had spent most of his life alone, he was angry that Heero was able to alter him enough to long for more than a few short weeks of companionship.

As they pulled up beside his small house, he recognized the beat up car parked in front. Damn it. That woman just wouldn't leave him alone.

Heero did not seem concerned as he pulled him from the truck and settled him in his chair. He ignored him once seated and rolled himself quickly up the ramp and into the house where his eyes immediately lighted on the intruder. "What are you doing here, Hilde?"

The woman in the kitchen turned to face him. The years had always been kind to her. She still looked young with her pixie haircut and bright eyes. The only visible mar on her features was the dark shadows beneath her eyes. And he knew he had caused those. Until today, he hadn't really looked her in the eyes for a long time.

"Heero called and asked me to bring some groceries. He wasn't kidding when he said the kitchen was bare. I think even a mouse would starve in this place." She placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "Which means that you lied to me when I asked if you had food."

"I usually have a grocery store deliver, I just forgot about it."

She sighed and shook her head. "And you wonder why I'm always checking up on you."

"Stop nagging," he grumbled and rolled his chair into the kitchen to look through a few of the bags she had yet to put away. 

"You look better, Duo," she whispered.

He paused and glanced over his shoulder at her. Her lashes were wet with tears and her head bowed as if praying. "Hey! Why are you crying?"

She shook her head and wiped frantically at the tears. "I always knew he would be the one to help you. You and I...you never loved me, so my helping you would have never worked."

"Wait, what? I did love you...do love you." His hand shot forward and grabbed at her wrist. He could feel the delicate bones beneath his fingers and immediately loosened his grip. "Hilde..."

"It's okay. I know you love me, just...not like I wish you did. You tried...we both did. In the end, I couldn't be him and that was that." She smiled sadly and lifted a hand to stroke his cheek. "And I'm sorry for that. I should have encouraged you to go find him, to be with him, instead of staying here on L2 with me. I hoped you would eventually stop looking for him in every man who walked through the door or passed you on the street."

Duo swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He hadn't realized how much he had unintentionally hurt her. Hiding what he was feeling had blinded him to the hurt he caused. His depression hadn't helped matters either.

Guilt washed over him and he struggled against the lump that had formed in his throat. "I...I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault. I'm just glad I called him. You look good, Duo. You look alive."

His eyes widened. "Nothing's changed."

"It has," she insisted. "Even if you don't see it or feel it. Him being here helped."

His eyes grew hooded and his lips pulled down into a frown. Maybe he was happy that Heero was here, deep inside. But, what happened when he finally left? He didn't say anything to her because he didn't want to think about it anymore than he already had.

"Duo? Is something wrong?"

He shook his head and met her concerned gaze. "I'm fine. Just thinking."

Her lips turned up in a watery smile. "I guess it's time I left."

She closed the distance between them and leaned down to brush her lips over his. "Goodbye, Duo."

With that, she was gone and he was left with the continued guilt. He was a fool because he had used her as a replacement to a person she could never be. Looking back, he realized it was something he had always known but refused to acknowledge.

He rolled toward the living room and blinked at seeing Heero sitting calmly on the sofa. "Did you see Hilde?"

Heero nodded. "She looked like she'd been crying."

"Yeah. That was my fault. I made Hilde cry and I know you made Relena cry more than once. We're both good at that, apparently."

Heero's lips twitched and he inclined his head. "I suppose we are."

Duo cleared his throat and wheeled his chair toward his room. "I'm going to go take a piss."

"I won't make you cry, Duo."

Hearing those words caused him to freeze. His heart gave a hard thud in his chest. A shudder worked through him and his hands tightened their grip on the wheels before continuing to roll himself down the hall.

"You already have," he whispered.

[center]oOo[/center]

Duo rubbed at his shoulder, biting back a groan. Every muscle in his upper body ached. When Heero told him they wouldn't be working on the floor today, he was grateful. He'd thought muscle pains this deep were a thing of the past. Only G had been able to create this sort of pain—G and now Heero.

"Are you alright?"

He glanced over to where Heero was sitting on the sofa. The vidscreen was playing some new action flick; not that either were really watching. After lunch, Heero had flipped on the vid and Duo hadn't bothered to leave the room. He supposed that meant they had silently agreed to watch the show together.

"Just aches." He rubbed again, bemoaning the fact that he didn't have stretchable arms. He couldn't reach all the places that hurt and that pissed him off to no end, particularly when there was one ache that was bothering him more than the rest.

Heero moved with stealthy skill and scooped him from his chair. "What the fuck, Heero!"

The wheelchair was nudged out of the way and he was lowered carefully to the floor. He had never thought Heero would be the gentle sort until now. A throw pillow was grabbed and he found himself firmly urged onto his stomach with his head cushioned on the pillow.

"I should have done this last night," mumbled Heero.

"Done what?" The words had barely escaped his lips when strong fingers dug into the muscles of his shoulder and the question morphed into a long and drawn out moan. He had a vague exhaustion-hued memory of the massage he had received last night. It had felt nice, but had nothing on the deep probbing he now had the pleasure of receiving.

"Given you a proper massage."

It started at his neck and worked in expanding circles from his nape and down to his shoulders. The muscles surrounding his upper spine and shoulder blades were the recipient of longer, deeper strokes. It hurt, but it was the good kind. The bunched and abused muscles gradually loosened under the masterful touch. Each stroke and kneed forced them to relax and him as well.

"Feels good," he mumbled.

A grunt from Heero was the only response he was given. Minutes passed in slow succession and the hands moved from his mid-back down his spine.

"Where does sensation stop?"

The question was like ice water thrown over him and his entire upper body tensed. "Let me up."

He attempted to rise, only to feel Heero's weight pressing him into the floor and the brush of warm breath over his ear. "Relax. Let me do this for you."

Hands that had paused in their ministrations, resumed their kneading. He gasped and nearly arched as a particularly tight muscle was forced to relax. Even under the pleasurable assault, he tensed as talented fingers neared where he knew sensation ended. Already his sense of touch on his back was dimming the lower the fingers worked. Now he could only feel the pressure of the fingers and soon, nothing at all.

He lay stiffly beneath Heero's hands. "You don't have to work those muscles."

"They are still living and could probably stand with a good massage. If nothing else, it will improve blood flow," answered Heero calmly.

He snorted and clenched at the pillow beneath his head. "You just wanted to grab my ass. I may sit on it all day, but I know I have a fine ass."

"You never change."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Duo glanced over his shoulder and watched as Heero massaged down to his calves. Each received equal attention and he wished with all his might that he could feel that touch because the massage on his upper body had not given him nearly enough of Heero's touch.

"It means what it means. Now relax."

"Well, seeing as I can't feel you touching me, I can't very well relax."

A small smile graced Heero's lips and he moved his fingers up to just below Duo's ribcage. "Are you jealous of your lower body?"

Duo sputtered and jerked away. "What kind of question is that?"

The answer he was given was the hands beginning their assault on his muscles once more. He moaned and shivered as every muscle in his body was turned to jelly. He didn't even have the strength or desire to lift his head from the pillow. Even after the deep kneading stopped, fingers gently stroked over his back. He suddenly wished that he had removed his shirt so that he could feel the touch on his skin.

The fingers drifted lower again and brushed where his shirt had begun to rise up. He couldn't stop the gasp from escaping and knew Heero had heard it. His fingers clenched in the pillow and a full body shiver raked his frame. God, he wished he could feel him with his entire body. A complete immersion in Heero's touch was what he longed for the most in that moment.

A small moan rumbled past his lips when the fingers stopped massaging completely and simply traced the skin visible between his shirt and his pants. He clenched for a moment when the fingers traced the surgical scar that ran up half his spine, another physical reminder of what he had lost. And then the touch was gone.

Hands lifted him carefully from the floor and back to his accursed chair. There was no sign on Heero's face that he felt anything while massaging him and he turned his back on him before he could question. He watched as he disappeared into the kitchen with a sense of loss. He wished he could dispose of the longing inside him. It was a curse he had born a decade before and now it had returned. Heero was the only person who had ever made him feel like he did and the asshole did not even seem to notice. With a small sigh, he turned his chair and wheeled it back into his workroom. At least here, he could immerse himself in his projects and forget about what Heero had forced him to feel.


	7. Chapter 7

A quick twisting of his hand on the lever activated the shower and sent water raining down in the small stall. Heero mentally winced at the initial cold as he stepped beneath the spray. The cool touch of the water did little for the erection bobbing heavily between his legs. He couldn't remember ever being this hard, even when he had reluctantly begun to go through the initial stages of puberty during the latter months of his training.

His frame shivered and he grabbed the lever and forced it toward the warmer temperature. His body shuddered and what little easing the cool water had brought him dissipated with the introduction of the warmer spray. Without the distraction of the cold, he was able to focus on other things. A moan escaped him and he closed his eyes as thoughts of Duo's body beneath him rushed immediately into the forefront of his brain.

"Duo," he whispered, grateful for the sound of spraying water hiding any sounds that might escape him.

There was no real point in ignoring the hardness stemming from his groin. Taking care of such problems was something he had grown accustomed to in recent years. They didn't happen often, except for the occasional morning wood, which he handled quickly and efficiently. In the past, if his need grew to the point of presenting a distraction that a solo release would not handle, he would find a willing individual to spend himself on. Names were rarely exchanged, only the quick release brought on by the touch of another. He had always considered it one of his insurmountable weaknesses, because his thoughts had always drifted to Duo in those moments of completion. In most cases, it was thoughts of Duo that brought those needs to critical mass.

His restraint was weak. The moment he touched Duo, he had been lost. That warm supple flesh, thin but getting stronger with each day, was like silk beneath his hands. Even covered by a shirt and pants, he could feel the slide of skin and the tautness of muscle. Duo had always been on the thin side, so he had no trouble becoming aroused at the feel of ribs or the bumpy nobs of his spine.

Touching him made everything real. The world narrowed to the point of a pin and then exploded. Duo was there beneath him, he was moaning and shifting and needing his touch. Such things were like an aphrodisiac and assaulted all of his senses. It had taken more restrain that he realized he had in order to keep from lowering his lips to the flesh visible on the back of Duo's neck.

Another moan escaped him and his hands curled into fists where they pressed into the wall at the mental pictures now flooding his mind. Water poured over him, running in rivulets down his body and plastering his hair to the side of his face. He was panting now as he finally gave into the need that had him drawn tighter than the string of a bow.

His hand shook faintly as it was dragged down the length of his abdomen to where the dark hair began just beneath his navel. He had never had much body hair, a trait his genetics had created. He wondered if Duo would be pleased at the majority of his smooth skin.

He swallowed at the thought of Duo's long bony fingers stroking down his body, taking the same trail that his own hands were following. His fingers sifted through the springy hair at the apex of his groin and he gave a slight pull.

The slight pain caused his shaft to jerk and his mouth to hang open. Beads of ejaculate pearled on the tip and he could no longer delay the pleasure. He was too far gone—too needy. Being with Duo, touching him and needing him, had him far too desperate to extend his pleasure.

His tongue swiped out to stroke over his upper lip and the taste of salt coated his tongue. The heat of the water and that of his body was bringing sweat to rise. The tendons running up the length of his neck bulged when his fingers finally wrapped around the girth of his penis.

Steam rose around him and he gave a slow jerk before beginning an almost punishing pace. His teeth clenched and bared themself as his hips followed the pace of his hand. He tried to blank out his mind, to only focus on the physical sensation of pleasure, but Duo found his way once more into his fantasies.

His hand was replaced once more by Duo's cooler fingers. He could almost hear panting breath in his ear and growled low in his throat. He didn't try to analyze how they would pleasure each other considering Duo's disabilities. At the moment, all he cared about was Duo's hand on his dick and the press of his imaginary body against his.

His hand created a tunnel, which his cock slammed through. The palm of one hand pressed into the head and he groaned loudly. Suddenly it was no longer Duo's hand on him but his lips. That alone was enough and he could no longer hold back the tidal force pouring through him.

Contractions caused his balls to pulse followed by an explosion of thick fluid from the tip and into the palm of his hand. His hips continued to pump in time with the expulsions. The sensations were so mind-blowing, he had to bite his lip to keep the cry from bursting free.

The fantasy Duo gradually faded away as the reality slammed down upon him. The water poured over him, washing away the evidence of his pleasure but not the mental need for more than the solo touch of his hand. He sighed deeply and ducked his head once more beneath the spray. A sated sort of tired fell upon him and he closed his eyes in physical relaxation.

It was the only respite he received before reality washed it away just as the water did the evidence. After only a few days, he was barely any closer to helping Duo. Getting him out of the house took nearly all his wile and a lot of his physical strength. If Duo hadn't let himself go so badly, he doubted he would ever be able to muscle him out of his enclosed world. He was failing his mission and the strain of it was worse than he remembered, perhaps because he wanted this mission to succeed. In the past, he did what he had to do because it was his task and the world needed to change. Now, all he wanted was to stay by Duo's side and be a part of his life. He wanted him happy and healthy.

But he was a fool if he thought he could do this without help. He was forcing Duo to accept help, but he was holding others at arm's length. He didn't want others foisted on Duo until he was ready, but he had to be willing to accept the advice of others. It had been a hard pill to swallow during his intensive therapy and was still a recurring issue in his scheduled sessions. Others could compromise missions and having only himself to rely on ensured the highest success percentage.

He toweled off his body and wrapped the length of cloth around his hips before walking across the hall into the spare bedroom. Grabbing his phone from where it sat, he searched for a particular number before settling on the side of his bed.

"Dr. Smythe's office. How may I help you?"

Heero swallowed and choked back the instinctual urge to hang up. It was always like this when he called his therapist. They had a monthly scheduled appointment, but on occasion, he had needed to call for the support the woman offered.

"Hello?"

He took a shuddering breath. "This is Heero Yuy. I need to speak with Dr. Smythe."

The receptionist caught her breath. "Just a moment, Mr. Yuy."

He almost laughed at startled tone of her voice. Everyone who worked with Dr. Smythe understood who he was and that if he ever called for assistance, to put him through to the doctor as soon as possible. It was bad to say, but if he slipped far enough, he would be a danger to everyone. The meds and therapy kept him stable, but there was always the chance that a trigger would set him off. There was always that edge that he walked, but the internal strength that he drew on kept the demons at bay. He wouldn't slip. As long as he kept Duo from doing anything stupid…as long as Duo remained fully in this world, he would never allow himself to slip.

"Heero?"

The new voice soothed him and he relaxed almost instantly upon the familiar pitch sounding in his ear. "Hello, Dr. Smythe."

"How are you feeling?"

"A little stressed, but within the normal parameters we set," he answered truthfully. Lying accomplished nothing and could possibly impede results even if he was on the higher end of those parameters.

"Do you need to talk?"

He shook his head before answering verbally. "I have a friend who was paralyzed in an accident. He is...unwell."

"I would assume since you're asking me, his problem is psychological. Heero, you know I can't do anything for him without evaluating him."

"That's not what I need," he said calmly. "I don't know how to reach him. I...don't think things ended well with us."

Dr. Smythe paused. "You don't think?"

"We parted when I was like I was before. I think he might be angry at me. Back then…I didn’t understand…I’m not sure. I think I messed things up because of how I was but he’s so hard to read. I just need to reach him."

"Heero, when someone goes through a traumatic event, the world can look different. If he's angry at you, I doubt it is because of how you were during the wars."

"You don't know him." Heero ran a hand through his hair and bit back a growl, forcing his voice to reveal nothing. "He was a pilot. Traumatic was a way of life for us. He should be brushing this off like he always did."

The doctor paused. "Heero, you sound frustrated."

"I'm not frustrated."

"I've learned a lot about you over the last few years. I would be remiss as your psychiatrist if I couldn't read you. Tell me what you're feeling."

"Inadequate," he answered plainly.

"And what else."

"This isn't about me. I want to help Duo." His jaw clenched and he was tempted to throw the phone across the room. He didn't want this to turn out about him when all he cared about was pulling Duo back from the cliff...saving him.

"Heero, if you want to help your friend, you need to help yourself. I can tell you're slipping. How often have you been taking the anxiety medication?" He bristled at the question, his internal sense of self-preservation rose thickly in the back of his mind. It took a moment for him to tamp down the rising urges of that dark, emotionless soldier that he kept on a tight leash, the soldier that he had thought was fully entombed in his memories. 

"Heero..." Her voice wasn't condescending and he sighed. 

"Once a day...sometimes." he edged out in a whisper.

"Do they help?"

"They do, but..."

"Don't even mention that you're thinking about not taking them. We've talked about this. Years of psychological trauma does not disappear overnight. You have trouble coping with things that go beyond the limits you have set for yourself. You always have to be in control. It's something we've gone over many times in your sessions. If we're realistic..."

"I won't ever stop feeling the need to control everything," he finished for her. "I obsess over the smallest things. I rearranged knick-knacks on Duo's shelf. I knew what I was doing as I was doing it, but they were out of order and I couldn't stop myself. He probably didn't notice, but I did and I wanted to kill something. My hands are raw from cleaning and I pulled up all his carpet."

"You pulled up his carpet?"

Heero growled low in his throat. "It needed to be done."

"I'm sorry, Heero. I know it's hard, but what we can't control with therapy, we handle with the medication. You simply have to trust me to help you. I want you to come back to Earth. I think you could do with some one-on-one counseling," she said calmly.

"No."

"Heero—"

Heero clenched his jaw firmly. "No! I'm fine. I'm...dealing. I can't leave without helping him. I'll take care with my medication. I won't slip. I refuse to slip."

"Heero, you could very well have a psychotic break if you push yourself. Being with him will bring back memories that you might not want to surface. Are you prepared for that?" There was no condescension in her voice, only calm understanding.

"Yes," he murmured.

"Then, I'll have to trust you know what you're doing."

"What about Duo?" he whispered.

"Tell me about him before the accident. Did he have any hobbies?"

Heero thought back on his time with Duo. He loved what they did. The fighting. The bombing. The thrill of piloting a massive robot made of gundanium alloy.

A thought occurred to him. "He liked basketball, but he can't play. He's paralyzed from the waist down."

"Do limitations like that really stop people from accomplishing things? Have you ever heard of wheelchair basketball?"

It rang a bell in his mind, likely something that he had shoved aside as pointless and never thought of it again. "Explain," he demanded.

"I think you should do the research. Considering it hasn't been that long since the war, there are probably a considerable number of people who participate. I think instead of forcing him to do things your way, you should show him that there is life out there for him if he wants to reach for it. I know you, Heero. Support him, but don't stifle him. He needs to come out himself."

Heero nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"And Heero, don't be afraid to rely on your meds. I wouldn't have prescribed them if I wasn't sure you might need them." He could hear the smile in her voice. "I assume we're still on for our appointment next month."

"I'll see what I can do."

"One last bit of advice, Heero. Don't allow yourself to suffer because of your friend. You won't be helping him if you become unstable. Do you understand?"

"Affirmative," he answered gruffly.

"Then I wish you the best and I'll see you at your appointment."

Heero ended the call and stared at the phone cradled in his hand for a moment. Dr. Smythe was right about him. He waited to take his anxiety meds until he was desperate, but he would deal with that part of himself later. For now, all he cared about was Duo.

His laptop beeped faintly as he powered it up and immediately displayed his start up menu. A flurry of fingers dancing across the keys soon had the screen displaying an informational site on wheelchair adaptable sports. They were wide and varied, compromising everything from simple racing to more detailed team sports such as basketball, curling, rugby, and tennis—not to mention sports such as marksmanship and archery.

He followed links to the basketball. He had watched Duo play years before. The joy on his face at the sport had been noticeable and had stuck with him for years. He wanted to wipe away the tragic depression and see the joy and pure love of life that had once graced Duo's features. It wasn't hard to recover the memory of that lithe body darting through the barricade created by the opposing team and jumping high to score the winning goal. Whether it be in battle or recreation, Duo had always been stunning to watch.

He followed various links until he found a listing of teams on the L-2 cluster and their scheduled games. Apparently the war had done more than ravage the Earth. It had ravaged the bodies of men and women. Sports designed for paraplegics and those with missing limbs had sprouted up everywhere. It actually surprised him that Duo hadn't gravitated toward those with similar injuries. But then, like himself, Duo always was the sort to focus on the task at hand. And he would imagine coping took a backseat to trying to repair his injury.

He quickly jotted down the time and place of a local exposition game and smiled bitterly. Duo would either hate him or thank him for this. Considering their strained outings, hate would be more likely to happen than thanks. He eyed the bottle of medication beside his bed before snatching the pill bottle and downing the anxiety meds along with his anti-psychotics. Relying on them kept him from lapsing too far into the past he could never forget. He could only hope Duo was going to be in an adventurous mood this evening.

oOo

Duo stared at his finally working computer. The screen revealed a crisp image and the processor ran like a computer ten times its size. He wasn't the master coder that Heero was, but he did pretty damn well for a grease monkey.

A knock on the door drew his attention. He knew who it was and for a moment considered ignoring the polite knock. Of course, if he had done such, Heero would have just come inside anyway so he chose to answer rather than making an attempt at ignoring his house guest. "What?"

"Duo, may I come in?"

He sighed and slumped in his chair. "Yeah."

The knob on the door turned and Heero walked smoothly into the room. He had obviously just taken a shower judging from the damp mess of his hair. Wet or damp, that hair was practically untamable, but surprisingly soft to the touch. Those rare instances that he'd had the pleasure were held on a pedestal in his mind.

"I'm too sore to work on the floor tonight. You can do that without me."

Heero winced and shook his head. "I know. I just wanted to know something. During the war, did you trust me?"

The question was a bit odd. Not in the traditional sense, but in the sense that it was Heero asking it of him. "Yes..." he answered hesitantly.

"Do you trust me now?"

"What's this about?"

Heero ran a hand through his already mussed hair and heaved a breath. "Trust."

"I got that from the question. My question is, why are you asking me if I trust you?" he shot back.

"Because I want to know."

Duo's eyes narrowed and he canted his head to one side. "You're not telling me something."

"It's a simple question. The answer should be obvious and I am certain your understanding of it isn't flawed. Do you trust me?"

Heero's eyes were so intense, Duo's body gave an involuntary shiver. "I don't know."

There was a flash of hurt in Heero's eyes and he immediately regretted his answer. He could have said he trusted him and with his safety, he did. But there were parts of him that remembered all too well how much it had hurt when he had practically thrown himself at Heero and only received a blank stare in return.

"Damn it," he growled. "I trust you with my life, if that's what you mean."

"It's a start." Heero moved closer to him. "Would you be willing to go with me somewhere?"

"God, what is it with you and going outside? We went out for breakfast and you dragged me to that damn hardware store. What else do you want to do?" Duo failed at hiding his frustration and it erupted in his speech, which was just a few syllables from regressing into complete street dialect—something he had fought long and hard to remove all traces of.

"I promise, if you don't want to go out after today, I won't make you. Just trust me today."

That faint, almost inaudible plea in Heero's voice broke him. Heero, who had always held himself apart from the rest and acted more machine than human, was begging him for something. It was in his power to deny him it, but he couldn't do it. Something was being asked of him and Heero had rarely ever done that in the past. He had always been a solo soldier who occasionally used the others when it benefited his goals. Now, he was actively asking for something which was in Duo's power to grant.

"Where do you want to take me?"

"That's where the trust comes in. Please?"

Duo slumped in his chair and shrugged. "I guess I'll go with you if you'll lay off the outings in the future."

"I won't force you outside, but that won't stop me from trying to convince you to leave the house."

"You're actually compromising. Has Hell frozen over?" Duo shook his head and rolled toward Heero with narrowed eyes. "Do you know something I don't? I don't like being played."

"Then you'll just have to trust me like you did before," answered Heero calmly.

"Fine, whatever."

Duo shoved away Heero when he moved to go behind him to push. "I can do it."

He did his best to ignore him as he wheeled himself to the door. Doing so was impossible. There was always a sense of hyperawareness when it came to Heero. Even when he wasn't trying to focus on him, if he was in the room, Duo knew where he was and what he was doing. That had extended to their time as pilots and was possibly a reason why they had always worked so well together.

As Heero assisted him into the truck, a weak part of him relished in the warm feel of hands on his body. His mind scolded him for it while the parts of his body that could still feel glowed in excitement. Even as he was, Heero still had power over him.

Glancing at his companion, he almost laughed. Heero drove a vehicle like he drove a Gundam. His entire being was focused on the task at hand. There was no war, no enemy fighters, yet he seemed so focused on not only the vehicle, but the surrounding area. It was sad, really.

"We're here."

Duo glanced around and frowned. They were at a basketball gym parking lot and it was packed. "What are we doing here?"

"You'll see." Heero assisted him into his chair and wheeled him into the building, only stopping to purchase some tickets.

An usher assisted them in finding their seats near the courtside. It was a special area accessible for wheelchairs. Heero sat directly behind him on the bleachers. 

"You brought me to a basketball game?" he asked bluntly. "And you thought this would cheer me up?"

"Just watch."

Duo rolled his eyes and scanned the area. One thing that caught his eye was that the goals were significantly lower than would be standard. Another was that there were a lot more handicapped people present than he would have expected to see at a sports event. He sent a suspicious glance behind him in Heero's direction before settling down to watch the event.

The announcer came over the speaker and introduced the teams. To say he was surprised was an understatement as each team wheeled out onto the gym floor. Every member of the team was seated in a wheelchair specially designed for easy turning and obviously lightweight for movement.

He knew of wheelchair sports, but had never actually seen it done. He had always figured it was something done just to placate those in wheelchairs and not requiring any great skill. The men moving about the court weren't being placated by anyone. Their arms were corded with muscle and their eyes were determined. Several were missing limbs while others were obviously paralyzed. It didn't stop them as soon as the ball was in play.

Very few things mesmerized him anymore, but seeing those men on the court, athletes in their own right, sparked a light in him. One of the things he missed greatly was basketball. Every weekend he would go to the park and team up with a few guys for some hoops. It was how he decompressed after a work week. Losing that had been one of the more crushing of pains.

He could feel Heero's eyes on him, but was too focused on the game to be distracted. The men practically flew across the court, passing the ball and scoring. There were differences from normal basketball. The rules had to be adjusted for the disabilities of the players. For one, the ball was no longer dribbled, but rather carried in the lap of the team member in play. The goals were lower, but left high enough to pose enough of a challenge.

It wasn't all happy smiles either. The players on the court were out for blood and it showed when chairs slammed into each other with as much ferocity as normal players. 

"Damn," he muttered when a particular hard collision resulted in a whistle blow from the ref and a penalty was declared on the team he had been not so silently cheering for.

Overall, the game was basically the same and he easily followed it throughout each of the quarters. In the final few seconds of the game, the scores were close enough that he was on the edge of his seat until the buzzer sounded. Never in his life had he expected to be so inspired by this. He had never given even the slightest thought to wheelchair basketball until that moment.

He was still sitting there stunned when Heero moved into his line of sight. "What did you think of it?"

"Why did you bring me here? What's your angle?"

Heero gave a slight shrug. "Any answer I give you, you will simply throw it back in my face."

"Asshole. Stop playing around and give me a straight answer."

"I wanted to give you something with no strings attached. I wanted to give you hope."

"Why?" he whispered.

Heero met his gaze with intense blue eyes. "Because I don't want to see you give up on life."

Duo stared at him for a long time before turning his chair and wheeling it toward the exit. There was something in Heero's eyes, something that scared him as much as it roused his heart in his chest. Heero had given him hope, even before tonight. Tonight gave him something else. It gave him a goal. He wanted to lose himself in the game again.

"Duo?"

"Why are you doing this? Why do you care? You never cared before. Why now, when I'm broken."

Heero inclined his head, a frown pulling across his lips. "I care...always cared."

"Liar."

"It's true. Before was...Things were different. I was different." Heero's hands clenched, his only sign of stress and frustration.

"I guess we were both different back then." 

A silence stretched between them before Duo final broke it. "Thanks...for tonight I mean."

He glanced at Heero and smiled faintly. "Let's go home."


	8. Chapter 8

Duo practically vibrated as he sat beside Heero in the truck. His entire being felt alive for the first time since before his accident—maybe even since the end of the wars. During the entire game, he had not been able to take his eyes from the court. The desire to be out there with those guys had eaten away at his gut until he could barely contain himself. He wanted to be one of them—sweat, saliva, and blood included.

His depression had eaten away at him for so long, that the high from tonight seemed nearly overwhelming to his senses. The need to scream and cry and cheer fought for an exit. His heart was continuing to pound heavily in his chest and his excitement was slow to wane.

He was alive in his soul. That tiny spark that had nearly been extinguished was given a single puff of fresh oxygen and had now burst into life inside him. In all the time he had struggled just to find reasons to live, not one had offered him something other than piles of research on experimental techniques and newly developed robotic limbs. Not once had Hilde or his doctors ever given him some a definitive bit of hope for his life other than to simply learn to accept and exist as he was.

Every time they had spoken, it was words like quality of life and how there were jobs out there that he could still do. They had never given him back something lost—something that had been an integral part of him.

Basketball had been a core part of him for as long as he could remember. Even as a child, he had been an athlete—running from the police as an orphan and then as a soldier during the wars. Finding love in a sport had been a natural direction for him to take. It wasn't like he had ever held professional aspirations. He had always been a bit on the short side, coming in at a decent five foot, ten inches. It was nowhere near a professional size, but it was fine for the pleasure games he would play with acquaintances from time to time. It was the thrill of a team sport and the excitement of his blood rushing through his veins.

But, he couldn't completely blame Hilde for not showing him how to live with his new disabilities. He had not allowed her or his doctors and therapists the chance to do anything that meant his situation was permanent. They were not the only ones who were forced to only look toward full recovery. He had not even allowed himself a chance to dwell on living a life as half a man. Acceptance had not been an option.

Since the accident, all he had focused on was getting his life back. He had never once considered living with his lot. And that choice had brought with it a lot of deep-set anger. He had been so fucking angry—was still angry.

He wanted his damn life back. He wanted to walk...but, tonight, at least some part of him rose into acceptance. Having basketball back would give him some sense of control in his life. Maybe his life would not be a complete pointless endeavor. Maybe he didn't have to lose everything. Maybe.

A quick glance toward Heero showed nothing out of the ordinary, but he could feel his eyes on him. Heero was a soldier, trained for intense combat. All of them knew how to focus on multiple things at once. In the cockpit of a Gundam with multiple enemies bearing down and no allies to help, one had to be capable of focusing on several targets at once while still maneuvering in order to avoid fire. For Heero to watch him while driving a basic truck would be nothing.

"So..."

Heero blinked and physically turned his head to glance at him. "So?"

"So are you going to say anything or are you going to just keep watching?"

"I thought we had said everything."

Duo snorted and rolled his eyes. "Not even close."

"I see."

Duo tugged his long braid of hair around to his front and played with the tasseled end. "What you did...I didn't..."

It was so hard. He used to have a word for everything. He had said thank you earlier, but those paltry words in no way expressed what he felt. What Heero had done for him tonight, such a small and simple thing, but it gave him something tangible to grasp onto. Why was the true scope of his gratitude so difficult to express?

"I understand."

"How can you understand? Tell me, Heero? How can you understand?" he snapped, not meaning to sound so angry. It was just so damn hard to keep his emotions from completely clouding his voice.

"Because, I know you. You're different and you've been through a lot, but you're still Duo. I spent too much time watching you and trying to understand how you could be so carefree one minute and so focused on battle the next. I couldn't understand how you were allowed to feel everything and still keep going with a smile on your face. I was not allowed to have that. I was trained to forget emotion and every part of me was a soldier, following orders without question and mowing down anyone who kept me from fulfilling my mission objectives. I could never figure out how you made it work, but you did. Watching you was the only option. I had to figure you out, for no reason than I wanted to know what made you, you. So, Duo Maxwell, I understand because I understand you."

Duo's eyes were wide as Heero spoke. He wasn't sure he had ever heard him say so much at one time and that he watched him, even back then caused a trill to echo in his chest. Heero really was different. He'd seen it, but had mostly ignored it in favor of his own depression and anger. Now that he really seeing Heero, the regret inside of him seemed all the more bitter because he was not the reason that Heero had changed.

"You know me, huh?" he smiled bitterly to himself. "You knew a skinny kid who didn't even have enough hair on his face to shave."

"You're still the same."

Heero couldn't believe that because not even Duo believed it of himself. "I'm not who I was then."

Heero blinked and turned his gaze back to the road. "You're the same."

Duo shook his head and turned his gaze back to the passing houses. How could Heero see him as the same when he didn't even feel like himself? Today was the first time in ages that he felt even remotely similar to the way he was before.

"Why do you care, Heero?" He said it more for himself than for an answer from Heero.

Heero didn't answer at first. There was a long stretch of silence as they pulled into the space before Duo's house. Neither moved nor spoke until Heero finally ended the silence.

"I've always cared." He shifted where he sat so that his body fully turned to face Duo. "You know how I was before. It was hard to show emotion...or even really feel it. The conditioning I went through muted everything so that only the mission mattered. I was made into a perfect soldier and emotions became foreign to me."

"Then how can you say you cared?" asked Duo with a bitter tint to his words.

Heero's jaw tightened and a pained look spread across his face. "Because you made me care. You forced me to. The more I ignored you, the harder you tried. I know I probably didn't show it..."

"That's the truth," he mumbled.

"But I felt it," finished Heero. "You chipped away at my conditioning. It was in small pieces, but they eventually spread."

Duo stared at Heero, unable to tear his eyes away. He couldn't say the range of emotion he saw on his face was normal, because it was barely a flicker, but it was there all the same. He was seeing what he had longed for since meeting him. Heero was letting him see a part of him that was usually kept hidden.

And his breath stilled in his chest. He was at a loss for words—something that rarely ever occurred.

"Heero...I..." Duo swallowed back the longing he felt rise in him. He was getting his hopes up for a crash. Feeling something could mean a million different things and he refused to allow what little remained of his soul to be consumed by desires he could no longer act on anyway.

"It's fine. I just wanted you to know that I do care about you."

Heero opened his door and exited the cab, going around and pulling Duo's chair from the back of the truck before opening the door. Surprisingly, he didn't mind when hands wrapped around his torso and tugged him against a warm body. His legs dangled loosely and his body still ached from the torture he had put it through the day before. 

As Heero moved him toward the waiting chair, he shivered at the warmth coming through the material of their shirts. He had never realized how sensitive his chest was until it rubbed against Heero. He was so hot against him, almost like a furnace pressed against his chest. The heat that radiated seemed to melt into his body and warm a part of him that was frozen in ice. He didn't want him to let him go until he had devoured all of that heat.

And Heero did not seem rushed to release him. His hands were wrapped around his torso, just above where feeling stopped. Heero was not a big man. His body was lean and compact with his arms tapering down to sculptured fingers. The power he could feel in the hands holding him aloft was immense and should not have been possible for someone of Heero's build. 

The factor making all the difference was that Heero was altered. All those who piloted Gundams were to some extent, but in Heero it was taken to the extreme. If given the proper motivation, he could bend solid steel; and yet, he held him as if he was made of delicate china.

It was such a thought that broke the moment for him and his fingers tightened where they gripped firm shoulders. More than the looks he received, Duo hated how people treated him as if he would break at any moment. He could damn well do anything he wanted if he chose to. "You can put me down now."

He could have sworn regret passed over Heero's impassive face as he was lowered into the waiting chair. He was torn between the elation of Heero having done something amazing for him and then turning around and treating him like a china doll. It was the most fight he'd had in him in ages.

He was tempted to do what he had always done since Heero had shown up in his house. The temptation to roll into his work room and lose himself in the music and the computers ate away at him—offering solace in solitude. He wondered off-handedly if this was what an addict felt like and in that moment, stared directly up at Heero.

"Don't treat me like a fucking weakling," he snarled and with that, rolled up the ramp and into his house without an ounce of help even though the muscles in his arms were killing him.

His muscles burned, but the fire in his stomach erased all thought. If a little bit of sanding had him in serious pain, how could he ever get to the point of actually playing like those guys on the court? He was angry and that fueled him enough that he rolled into his large bedroom and past the bed to where a workout station had been designed shortly after he was released from the hospital when the thought that physical therapy could put him back on his feet was still alive in his soul. Reality was a bitch and the equipment had sat gathering dust since it had set in. Now, though, he had something to work towards.

There were weights to strengthen his arms and a bar to help with his core and back. He scowled upon attempting to lift one of the weights. There was only himself to blame for letting himself get to this point. He wanted to blame others, but the truth was written in neon bright lettering. Duo Maxwell was an idiot and had brought this on himself.

And that caused him to throw the weight down and slam his fists into the arms of his wheelchair. In that moment he hated himself more than he ever had. He had lost himself and become someone he could hardly recognize.

He was so deep in his frustrated mindset that he never realized Heero had entered his room until he spoke. "I don't think you're weak and I'd never treat you as such."

The sound of that rich voice startled him and forced his head to jerk up. Heero was standing stiffly in his doorway, looking a mixture of confident and uncertain—such contradicting emotions appearing almost cute on him.

"What do you call that crap outside?"

Heero canted his head to one side. "Helping someone I care for."

Duo had to snort at that response. "Would you treat Quatre or, God, even Wufei like that?"

"No." The response was instantaneous and concise, just like Heero.

"Then what's so different about me? Is it because I'm in this chair? Because if you think this thing would stop me, you better back the fuck up. I can still beat your ass, even without legs."

Heero's eyes softened, losing their hard edge. "Your injury has nothing to do with how I treat you."

"Then, what is it?" snarled Duo, his arms flailing wildly outward. "What is the reason why do you keep doing that shit, trying to carry me around or holding me like I'm about to break? If you don't think I'm weak, then what?"

Heero's skin paled a shade and his eyes dilated so that the only blue visible was a thin line around the edge of his pupil. If he had to describe the sight before him, he would think that Heero was about to go into a serious fight or flight mode. "Heero?"

"I don't want to ruin things."

He was about ready to start pulling out his hair. This was so Heero. For as long as he knew him, everything was kept inside. Unless it was to explain the technical aspects of a mission, he never opened up to any of them about what he was thinking or his reasons for acting. "Jeez, just tell me the damn truth. Just one time I want you to answer me without me having to pry it from you...just once."

Heero's face remained pale and his eyes darted around the room in a classic exit search manner before finally meeting Duo's gaze. "Do you really want to know, even if it changes everything?"

The questioned seemed so much more loaded than he would have expected and a small part of him screamed to stop before he heard whatever it was Heero was about to say. It screamed that change was bad and that things were perfectly fine the way they were. Curiosity had always been a weakness of his and he was determined find out what it was that Heero was so apprehensive about saying.

"Just tell me," he whispered.

Heero nodded and took a step forward. His eyes might scream nervousness, but his body language was just as steadfast now as it was during the war. Unless someone was skilled at reading Heero, they probably wouldn't have even known anything was amiss with him. Even with his more open expressions, Heero was still Heero and hid his emotions far more easily than the average person.

He was within reaching distance when he stopped, eyes never leaving Duo's face. "I want to be with you."

"Come again?" Duo wasn't sure he had heard that correctly. In fact, he was damn sure his brain had misinterpreted what his ears heard.

"I don't know how to say it any other way. I want to touch you and...kiss you. Even if I couldn't have that, I just want to be with you." Heero's face was literally a granite statue. His eyes were intense and there was not even the slightest hint of emotion showing through. It was like looking back in time at the first time he had spoken with Heero after their rather rocky first encounter.

"I..." Damn, what did he say to that?

"I warned you that everything would change," Heero stated calmly. How the man could remain calm after a confession like that was beyond Duo.

Confusion was definitely the first emotion spilling through him, though it quickly faded and was replaced by disbelief. "Are you fucking with me?"

"I'm not."

"You can't possibly be serious...not now." Duo's hands clenched on the arms of his chair. "Take a good fucking look."

He could swear he felt the touch of Heero's gaze as it skimmed his body from the top of his head to the toes of his feet. A shiver worked through him, one he could not stop regardless of will.

"I know what you look like."

"Well did you miss the huge chair I'm sitting in?" He didn't bother to hold back the bite in his tone. Heero had practically asked for this when he confessed so plainly to him. "Do you even understand what has happened to me?"

"I understand enough."

"Then you don't understand jack shit." If Heero wanted to know what he was getting into by saying that shit, then he was going to educate him. Duo touched an area he knew well on his lower torso. "I can't feel anything below here...nothing. So if you're thinking only my legs are fucked, you're sadly mistaken. I can't feel my dick, my lower bowels, or my bladder. I stick a tube up my penis every few hours just to piss. I can't have sex or feel pleasure. I am literally half a man. Did you think about that?"

Heero knelt by his side so that their faces were on the same level. His hand reached up to stroke over the long thick braid and then to his shoulder and he fought back a gasp at the touch of the fingers stroking his skin through the material of his shirt. Only his past training kept his breathing calm. Instead of traveling onto his chest, Heero's long fingers transversed over the skin of his bicep and down until they reached his fingers. He didn't fight when their fingers were threaded through each other.

"I don't care."

The words startled him—badly. He jerked his fingers from where they twined with Heero's. "Stop."

Heero wasn't letting him escape. His hands moved to Duo's face. "I don't care. Even if you don't feel anything for me, I don't care."

"Where were you before?" he asked, finally asking the question that had eaten away at him since Heero showed up. "Why didn't you come before I was like this? Before someone else asked you."

Heero ducked his head for a moment. "Because, I didn't understand. And when I finally did, you were with someone else. But, I finally understand now."

"What?" whispered Duo.

"My training had nearly wiped everything from me. I've had years of therapy and I still don't understand a lot of things that I feel. I'm broken, probably worse than you...but I know that I can't let you go without you understanding that I do feel."

Duo could not pull his gaze away from Heero's intense blue orbs. Heero had always had the ability to stare through a person, almost to the point that it seemed he could read everything like a book and now those eyes were being turned on him.

"I don't care," he whispered again.

And the words broke him. There were no tears and no weeping—he wasn't the sort for that if he could help it. Instead, his hands reached up to clench into Heero's shirt. It was as if he allowed Heero to slip from his fingers, he would never recapture him. His body was broken beyond repair and still he wanted to grasp onto the hope that was being given to him, even if he knew it was a false gift that would be snatched away from him the moment he allowed himself to truly accept it.

"I'm broken," said Duo hoarsely.

"So am I," Heero answered plainly.

"You'll leave eventually."

Heero shook his head in a deliberately slow motion. "Not unless you force me to go."

Duo's hand shook as he released his grip on the shirt and forced Heero away from him. "I need to think."

Heero nodded and shifted as if to move away before leaning forward and brushing his lips along his jaw just to the right of his lips. He could feel the exhalation of breath tickling the fine hairs on his body before being left bare of touch.

Heero turned to the equipment set up in the space. "Will you allow me to help you condition yourself?"

He wanted to scream no. Conditioning his body back into some sort of decent shape would be painful and all his flaws would be forced into stark being for Heero's eyes.

Heero must have seen the no forming on his tongue because his hand darted forward and latched onto his arm. "I understand how to train the body. I was trained well in how to condition a body and you'll need someone to spot you to keep you from hurting yourself. Let me help you, if nothing else."

"Fine." Duo turned his gaze away before he was pulled even further into deep blue eyes. It was pointless to refuse him anyway.

Heero gave his shoulder a final squeeze before stepping away. "We'll start tomorrow."

"Doing what?" he asked, knowing full well he did not want to hear the answer.

Heero glanced through the door to the living room. "Sanding the floor."

Duo gaped at him before slumping back in his chair and watching him leave him alone in the room. "Goddamned floor."

Left by himself, he lifted a hand and touched the place where Heero's lips had touched. He couldn't say it was the most eloquent confession he had ever heard, but it was pretty damn good coming from someone like Heero. He was glad he hadn't spewed out words like 'love'. Those words didn't really fit them. Love was something for schoolgirls to obsess over. They were men who had seen war before they ever lost their virginity. Hell, in Quatre's case, probably before he ever grew any short and curlies down below.

The smile on his lips dropped. Whatever Heero offered wouldn't last, it couldn't. In the end, he would never be able to satisfy him physically and emotionally, he was a wreck. The question he had was stiff and bitter to even consider an answer.

Was it better to take what he could now and deal with the consequences when Heero eventually pulled away, or should he end things now before he was hurt? Either way would end up with him left broken once more, but to have a chance to feel Heero's touch once more on his face or his lips on his mouth was something he had trouble allowing himself to refuse.

He sat a long time into the evening and night twisting both options through his mind. Could his heart take another beating from Heero when it was very nearly shattered as it was? Once when he was on Earth, he had found himself in a glassworker's shop. Everything from small animals to large intricate designs were sold to those with enough money to purchase them. Inside one particular case, he recalled seeing dozens of glass hearts on display in various styles and colors. His heart was very similar to those fragile hearts for sell. The slightest injury would shatter them into a million pieces. Was it really worth taking that chance and placing a glass heart in the hands of a battle worn soldier? It was not even a question he could answer because in truth, his heart had already found its way into Heero's care. His heart had always been Heero's to do with what he wanted.

And it was that truth that kept him awake long into the night.


	9. Chapter 9

Morning came far too quickly for Duo's liking. Sleep had been a scattered affair with his mind constantly turning over with thoughts of Heero's words and actions. He wanted so badly to hope, but his tattered soul would not allow him to dwell on small light. He had lost too much in his life that very little kept him emotionally grounded.

Still...that nagging bit of wistfulness clung to him, likely some part of his previous self that Heero had awoken after a long sleep. His eyes scrunched even more tightly together and he released a deep sigh. His internal clock was telling him that dawn was nigh even if he preferred to remain where he was.

His alarm clock chimed an annoying tune and he threw an arm over his eyes in an attempt to block out the official reality of morning's arrival. He wasn't ready to face the day yet, or more importantly, he wasn't ready to face Heero. Even a lifetime of delays would not be enough time to come to any sort of comfortable decision about the turn of events that had him floundering for a grip on his emotions.

Maybe if things had been different, he could have readily accepted Heero's confession. A snort escaped him before he could halt its progress. There was no maybe about it. If the confession had come before his accident, he would have jumped Heero's bones before he even completed his sentence. They would have been in bed in minutes if he'd had his way.

A shiver wracked his shoulders and chill bumps spread across his arms when thoughts of Heero naked in bed drifted far too easily into his mind. Those sorts of images were nothing new to him. As an adolescent with raging hormones, he had thought of Heero naked more often than not, those spandex pants not doing anything to hide his assets. Granted, they were all a little on the skinny side back then, not having fully developed into the men they were to become, but considering everything, it had not mattered in the least.

Things were different now. He couldn't remember the last time he had been mentally aroused. If asked, he doubted he could put a finger on the sensation of arousal. It wasn't his dick leading him any longer, but rather a desire for the intimacy of the sexual act that pulled at him. The nipples on his chest poked at the tank top he had thrown on the night before and the tiny hairs covering his body stood at attention, waiting for the slightest touch. Even his stomach churned with excitement despite the fact that other than a slight hormonal hardness, his dick remained unaffected.

Swallowing back a longing moan, he slammed his head against the bed a few times in a futile attempt to force those longing thoughts from taking over him. There was no point in dwelling on what would never be.

He needed to get up and face the day...and Heero. That damn buzzing was becoming annoying and he tugged his pillow from beneath his head and tossed it at the clock. The fluffy object barely muffed the sounds, not that he expected it to do much. There was a reason he used such an annoying sound. He would have never left his bed if not for that clock. He might be suicidal, but he did not want to die in a bed like an invalid. If he was going to die before his time, the only hand doing the deed would be his own.

The sound of his clock must have alerted Heero, because after a few minutes, a perfunctory knock sounded. "Are you awake, Duo?"

Duo groaned and closed his eyes. "Yeah..."

"Do you require assistance?"

"We've been over this before, if I recall," he answered curtly before pressing the button on his bed and adjusting it into a sitting position.

"Today is a different day and I know you're still sore."

Duo bit back a whimper when he used his arms to shift his body. Damn that bastard for having a sixth sense. The pain was twice as bad today. The second day was always the worst when dealing with muscle pain. "I'm fine. Go fix breakfast or something."

"Duo..."

"I'm fine," he snapped and grappled for the bar above his bed in order to arrange his body into an appropriate position for the transfer to the chair. Every movement was sending shooting pains up his arms and across his shoulders. The last time he had felt such agony was during his Gundam training, and even then, he wasn't sure it had been this bad. After all, he was quite a few years older now.

He listened as Heero lingered for a few moments outside his door before muffled steps left him to complete his morning rituals. What took normal people a short time, took him an eternity. He groaned again as he moved into the bathroom and transferred himself to the toilet.

While waiting for the shit to start moving from his body, he swabbed the head of his penis before taking the pre-lubricated end of a catheter and carefully inserting it up his urethra and into his bladder. He removed the bag and had the straight end was pointed toward the toilet bowl, immediately followed by the sound of urine tinkling into the bowl.

He glanced at the bathroom clock and scowled. Still no bowl movement. He had long ago decided that God, if He even existed any longer must hate him. If he didn't take a shit soon, he would have to go about giving himself an enema. He hated enemas. They were such a pain in the ass to do alone.

"Fuck," he cursed and shifted himself into his chair once more before starting his shower and proceeding with the remainder of his toiletries.

Over an hour after his alarm had sounded, he finally rolled himself out of the bedroom. His hair was pulled back into a damp braid because after the hassle of bathing and dressing, he didn't have the patience to blow it dry.

Heero was seated at the table with a cup of juice and a newspaper. There was no sign of breakfast having been prepared or eaten.

A small smile curved Heero's lips at Duo's approach. "Would you like some breakfast?"

A faint rumbling in his stomach and the tell-tale cramping had Duo nodding. He watched as Heero set about preparing a simple meal of eggs, toast, and bacon before setting two plates on the table. It embarrassed him that Heero had postponed his own breakfast to wait for him.

"You could have eaten already," he mumbled when a cup of fresh coffee and a glass of juice was placed beside his plate.

"I didn't mind waiting. Meals should be eaten together," stated Heero plainly.

"Where did you hear that?"

Heero shrugged and began to eat his breakfast. Duo took a bite as well, but was more distracted with how Heero ate. There was a strangeness to it. Each bite came in sequence. First a bite of eggs, then bacon, and finally toast. The process was repeated to the point where Duo stopped eating altogether and watched Heero.

It was funny that he had never noticed that about Heero, but back during the war, meals consisted more of protein bars and whatever someone could scrounge up between missions. Even afterwards, with everything that was going on, he could only recall a handful of times when he actually sat down to a meal with his fellow pilots and during those times, he was more focused on his own food than on that of anyone else.

Heero paused mid-bite and met his gaze. "You should eat if you want to build muscle."

Duo remained silent and took a bite as instructed, his eyes never leaving Heero. When the eating order began again, Duo couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Do you realize you're eating in sequence?"

Heero blinked and glanced at his meal. An extended silence elapsed before he nodded. "Yes."

"Is it because of the war?"

Heero shrugged and began eating again. "I don't know the exact cause. Perhaps I was always like this. Very little of my life has been normal, so I could not say any one thing caused me to be like I am. Does it bother you?"

Duo pushed his eggs around on his plate. "It's just weird noticing it."

"The medication helps, but my doctor is not pleased that I'm here. She wants me to come home."

The thought of Heero leaving, or even considering it, shot a pang into Duo's chest. After all his talk of Heero leaving, the actuality of it was not something he wanted to consider. His breath caught and he stopped pretending to eat. "Are you leaving?"

Heero's expression didn't change. "No."

"If your doctor thinks it's best..."

Heero's face darkened slightly. "I'm not leaving you again."

The words warmed him in ways he had never thought to experience. "So what's wrong with you, then?"

"The doctors tell me I'm psychotic with antisocial tendencies accentuated by obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder, to name a few."

Duo shook his head and laughed. "A lunatic and a cripple...what a pair."

The blank expression on Heero's face melted away as his eyes softened. "So it would seem. Now eat."

Duo was surprised that he finished most of his breakfast. He didn't fight when Heero lifted him from his chair or when he settled him on the floor beside sandpaper. Unlike before, Heero was beside him, giving support to his body so that he could focus on his arms rather than keeping himself aloft.

Today though, he found he didn't mind the strong arm wrapped around his waist. When warm hands covered his and helped him take on motions for the most benefit, he didn't fight or argue. It was nice to feel the warmth of Heero through the material of his shirt.

There was nothing overtly sexual about the touches, but the intimacies of them permeated him. He was acutely aware of every shift of Heero's muscles through the materials of their shirts. Electricity seemed to shoot up his arm when Heero's hands would take his and lead him through motions. It felt like the tenderest of foreplay and he nearly cried because of it.

He should have pushed him away, but instead he tortured himself with the touches. Heero might say he wanted him as he was, but when the glitter of his supposed feelings faded, Duo would be left alone and more broken than before. Heero would hurt him; how much was up to him.

But he could not deny himself the feel of a body against his. It had been so long since he had felt that sort of closeness. With Hilde it had been nice, but it was nothing compared to the completeness that came with being with Heero.

By the time they broke for lunch, Duo was exhausted. He didn't argue when Heero brought him a sandwich or when he was taken into the bathroom shower. He should have fought as his sweat stained clothes were taken from him or when gentle hands rubbed soap over his body. His body gloried in the warmth and massaging touch. It was his second shower of the day, but he didn't care because Heero was handling everything. When fingers stroked down his spine, he shuddered in pleasure until they reached a part that he tried to forget. On his lower back, running just from above the small of his back for several inches was a surgical scar where they had attempted to go in and repair the bones in his back. His spinal cord had been damaged beyond repair, but other parts of his body still needed to be corrected before he could begin to heal.

He couldn't really feel much around the area, only a muted sort of pressure. But, he knew Heero was stroking that area by the dark look crossing his face. What images could be spinning through his head?

"Heero..."

"It takes everything in me not to find the man that hurt you and kill him with my bare hands."

Duo reached to grab Heero's wrist. "There's nothing to be done."

Heero's jaw spasmed and his throat bobbed with a swallow. "There is plenty to be done."

"Don't do anything stupid. If you get caught..."

Heero snorted and looked at Duo with an arched brow. "You know better. When I am at my computer, I am invisible."

Amusingly enough, that was the truth. Any of the Gundam pilots were ghost on the web, but Heero had always been the stronger in such things, with Duo coming in a close second. If he set his mind to anything, Heero could destroy the world with a few strokes of his fingers across his keyboard and no one would know what hit them or who.

"Just leave it be, Heero. It's over and done." Duo tried to pull away, but Heero held him fast.

"He deserves to be punished for what he did to you," growled Heero in a low voice.

For an instant, Duo was afraid—not for himself, but for the man foolish enough to come to work under the influence of alcohol. Heero's eyes were cold and expressionless, much like during the wars. Only when Heero was behind the controls of a Gundam had he ever seemed to show any emotion.

"Heero?"

Heero blinked a few times before moving away and grabbing a towel. Duo soon found himself lifted into strong arms and carried naked to his bed. The smell of herbal liniment filled the air as his shoulders, arms, and back were rubbed. No words were spoken between the two as Duo dozed a bit under the tending.

The calming quiet seemed all too quickly dispelled as Heero assisted him in dressing in loose clothes before leaving him in his chair. Something seemed off with Heero, though he couldn't really put his finger on what that something was. He pushed himself into the living space and watched as Heero continued to work almost furiously on the parts of the floor not yet sanded smooth. He didn't speak because he didn't know what to say. If Heero needed to work out his demons, better to do so on inanimate objects rather than people.

Heero was like a machine as he worked, never stopping for even an instant. What had been a faintly niggling oddity was now becoming something much darker and worrisome. "Are you alright, Heero?"

Heero jerked and lifted his gaze in surprise, almost as if he had forgotten about Duo's presence in the room. He shook his head and set back to working on the floor. That was when he noticed the blood smeared across Heero's hands from the abuse they were receiving.

"Fuck, Heero, look at your hands."

Heero stopped again and looked at his hands were they were scratched and rubbed raw. A shiver seemed to wrack his body and he stood, face blank. With barely an expression, he exited the room.

The sound of running water in the kitchen drew Duo and he saw Heero washing the blood and dirt from his hands before beginning to pace the kitchen. Since learning about Heero's OCD, Duo was quick to notice that Heero took the same number of steps in each direction. His entire being seemed a tightly drawn bow, pulled to the point of breaking. It worried him, but he was afraid of speaking to him in this state. He had no idea how to bring him down or if his words would only set him off.

He glanced to the table where Heero's phone sat innocently. When he picked it up, Heero barely gave him a glance. His phone didn't seem to be as much off-limits as his laptop, which was a good thing considering the state Heero was working himself into.

The list of contacts were unknown to him, almost written in some sort of code until he saw a familiar code that didn't take any effort to break and immediately pressed call. If this person was in Heero's contact list, then he was someone who could help.

"Chang." 

The sound of his old comrade's voice was nostalgic, and it brought to memory the fun he'd had at Wufei's expense. The jokes and teasing had always ruffled feathers, but he'd never seemed to mind as much as he acted. "Wufei...it's Duo."

A long silence stretched before Wufei spoke. "Maxwell, it's been a while. Would you care to tell me why you're calling me on Heero's phone?"

"Something's up with him. He's wound tighter than Lady Une's hair buns."

"Give Heero the phone." Duo immediately complied and Heero pressed the device to his ear.

There was the faint mumble of conversation from the other end, but Duo couldn't hear it. He saw a frown appear on Heero's face and then a glance sent in his direction.

"Yes," said Heero in a low voice to Wufei.

Duo couldn't hear Wufei's question but knew immediately what had set Heero off when the response came.

"He scarred him in every possible way."

Heero shook his head as Wufei spoke, though he seemed to become slightly less tightly strung. A small tendril of jealousy burst into existence. Even though he had called Wufei for help, it annoyed him that it was his former associate who was able to bring Heero back from the edge he was standing at. That small part of him wanted to be the one who helped Heero and no one else.

He watched impassively as Heero left the room, coming back a few minutes later with a pill bottle in hand. His fingers looked stiff as he attempted to pry open the bottle. Duo immediately reached for it and popped the top before handing it back to Heero.

A look of gratitude flashed across Heero's face as he took a single pill from the bottle and washed it down with a drink of water. He continued to hold the phone to his ear all the while staring at Duo.

"Thank you. I will," he finally said into the phone before ending the call.

"Are you alright?" Duo asked when he was sure Heero was calm enough to answer rationally. "What happened?"

"I let my emotions get away from me," he answered.

Duo noticed little Heero still didn't seem quite right, but he was calming more with each passing moment. "You weren't kidding about the crazy."

Heero snorted and rested a hand on the table. "It happens sometimes when I become overly stressed."

The answer caused a painful twinge in his chest. "Because of me?"

Heero shook his head. "Because I didn't control myself."

"But it was because of me."

Heero did not allow Duo the chance to run and hide as he had done since his accident. His hand wrapped around Duo's wrist and brought his hand to rest on his chest above his heart. "I didn't want you to see me like this, but never think you are the cause. A lifetime of experiments and training and death has made me who I am. I accept it. I told you that I was more broken than you."

He didn't smile, but rather lifted a finger and touched his temple in a tapping motion. "Here."

"The crazy and the cripple," murmured Duo.

His gaze shifted to where Heero's hand gripped his wrist in a gentle touch, thumb stroking over the faint thrumming of his pulse. A shiver went up his arm with enough force that Heero had to have felt it. He thought to pull away, but found himself unable to do so.

"Stay," he murmured, fingers tightening ever so slightly. "At least until the medicine takes effect."

Duo nodded and they sat there for what seemed like ages. With each passing minute, Heero became more relaxed. His eyes were hooded and his frame loose. Through it all, Heero's hand remained latched onto him like a lifeline.

He felt needed and would not have moved for anything in the world. The calm between them created such a lulling sense of peace that he didn't expect the assault until it was too late to retreat. Without warning, Heero's face was before him and their lips touching. The kiss was a mixture of skill and innocence. The moistness of their breath flowed between each other, adding to the heat created. 

Duo gasped and Heero's tongue pressed forward to stroke just inside his bottom lip before the tender flesh was sucked into his mouth. He felt paralyzed in his entire body as Heero continued to press forward, one hand still binding his wrist while the other sunk into the thick hair at the base of his neck.

A low moan rumbled from his chest and his unbound hand reached to grab at Heero's shirt. His heart pounded in his chest and his body wouldn't stop shaking. The need to simply be wanted caused an overwhelming desire to burn in his chest. It was the closest he had come to actual arousal in what seemed like a lifetime. Instead of being focused on his dick, it was his entire upper body that tingled.

A gasp escaped him and Heero withdrew until he was no longer touching any part of Duo's body. Heero's eyes were dilated so that the blue of his irises were eclipsed by the dark pupil. Small pants whispered out and the abject need was spread across his face. 

Duo couldn't help but swipe his tongue over his lower lip, trying to savor the memory of those lips pressed to his. Heero's eyes followed the movement, and a spreading redness darkened the already flushed cheeks.

Heero grabbed Duo and pulled him out of his chair and across his lap. One hand slid beneath his shirt to stroke his skin while a face buried itself into the curve of his neck. All Duo could do was cling to him as lips suckled and teeth nipped at the sensitive skin. There was little doubt he would have a hickey on the spot.

His nails dug deeply into the strong, wiry shoulders while his head fell back so that his braid very nearly brushed the floor. "God," he whispered.

A strong hand slid around his body, brushing the downy hair near his navel and then up over his chest. When those fingers teased ever so gently at his nipples, every nerve seemed to fire and his brain short-circuited. His entire being shuddered and he cried out at the pleasure of it.

Heero started, yet continued to hold Duo as he shivered and quaked in his arms. As the moments ticked by, Duo nearly whimpered when he was extracted from the warm body and placed him back in his chair, carefully mindful to align his body and legs.

"The fuck...?" he mumbled with half a mind.

Fingers brushed his cheek and forced him to meet deep blue eyes. "I'm not sorry."

Duo blinked at the statement, his brain still not completely computing any stimuli that didn't revolve around kissing Heero and feeling whatever the hell that just was. He could almost swear he'd had an orgasm if not for the fact that he felt absolutely nothing below the waist, just as always. Didn't an orgasm have to involve hard dicks and ejaculation? "What?"

"For kissing and touching you. I will not apologize."

"Oh, okay." Duo sat in a daze before he pleasure haze cleared. "Why did you do that?"

"Because I wanted to. I want to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere," answered Heero.

"That proves nothing." Duo felt his firm conviction slipping. He didn't even believe the words he spoke any longer.

Heero's eyes darkened, not in anger, but in determination. It was that same determination that had given him the strength to lead a group of teenage soldiers into war. "Then, I'll have to keep trying until you believe it."

Duo believed he would, and the thought elated and frightened him. Could he dare hope?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has commented. I know the waits are long, but I hope you'll forgive me. Please enjoy this chapter and my humblest apologies for the wait. This chapter is a slight taste of how the sex is going to work between the two. Of course, it's not the whole shebang, but it is a taste of it. edited 11/13/16


	10. Chapter 10

Heero stared watched silently as Duo poked at the eggs on his plate. They hadn't discussed the kiss, or rather the make-out session, of the previous day and it was eating away at him. It took all of his will power not to show his apprehension on his face. An invisible line had been crossed and there was no going back. They were no longer children, but grown men with debilitating problems plaguing both of them.

He had never been in a situation such as this, where he was uncertain of the route to take. It wasn't a lack of courage that stayed his hand, but rather caution. If he pressed his issue, he could push Duo away and if he held back, Duo might take that as disinterest.

It was Duo who broke the silence between them. "I'm tired of sanding that damn floor."

"It needs to be done."

Duo shrugged and gave another poke at his eggs before setting aside his fork. "I want to go outside."

That statement was a surprise, both in word and tone. Duo had been a recluse since becoming confined to a chair. Even when they had gone out, he'd felt as if he was forcing him out against his will. That Duo was actually initiating their excursion felt almost unreal. His lacked what he would have previously termed as natural exuberance, but at least he didn't have the recent look of complete dread spread across his face. It was an odd mixture of the two emotions, like he did not want to go out, but knew he needed it. Or perhaps he wanted to go out, but was afraid of enjoying it.

"Where would you like to go?"

"They were building a small park a few miles up the road before I was hurt. Plants don't thrive so well on the colonies outside of growth facilities, so I don't know if they made it survive, but I want to check it out." Duo glanced at him through the fringe of his bangs. "Are you listening to me?"

"Affirmative," answered Heero calmly. "I'm just surprised. You've never seemed interested in leaving the house since I've been here."

"Anything to get away from the damn sanding. My arms feel like they are going to fall off. I'm already stuck without legs; I don't want to lose my arms too."

It was a hedging lie, but Heero couldn't stop the faint twitch of his lips at the similarity between the Duo he had once known and the one sitting before him. "I see."

"Well, you can stay here if you want, but I'm going."

"No, I'll go with you," he answered immediately before Duo changed his mind. 

If Duo was ready to make steps out into the world, he was going to help him. Perhaps it would help him as well. In his own way, he was just as reclusive as Duo had been, rarely leaving his laptop for any length of time, even in his leisure time. If not for Wufei, he likely would not have ever left his solitude. 

It was always easier for him when he did not have to deal with people. Even before his psyche began to fracture after the end of the wars, he had never dealt well with human interactions. It was thanks to his fellow pilots that he wasn't a complete machine, though their presence in his life had only done so much. His humanity was barely existent inside him despite the attempt at nurturing his psychiatrist had put forth. He was more 'human', but nowhere near what could be termed normal. Others who did not know him only assumed because he was damn good at pretending. His doctors weren't as easily fooled. They knew him for what he was and it was only thanks to friends in power that he wasn't still institutionalized in a facility.

"Well?"

Heero blinked once and looked to where Duo had rolled his chair toward him. He hadn't even realized he had moved. "Pardon?"

"I said, get off your ass and let's go."

Duo's eyes held a small glimmer in them, reminiscent of the adolescent he had once been. There were still shadows clouding him, but they were pushed back enough for the true essence of Duo to spill through. Duo had always had an effect on him, even if he had been too focused on his mission to see it. He was like a soothing balm, pushing back the darkness with his own brand of shadow. It was rather strange that two shadows made light.

With the turn in attitude, he wished he could say that everything was fine, but he knew from experience that the happiness Duo was feeling would soon give way to another valley, likely deeper than the last. Healing the emotional and psychological scars took more than a trip to a basketball game and a few kisses. Duo was living on a high now, but it would pass and the crash would be painful.

He knew all too well of those crashes. The only difference was that when he crashed, he became deadly. There were times when he wondered why he had been freed instead of remaining institutionalized. He knew, in part, it was Lady Une and Wufei who had kept such from happening, but if he had a bad enough break from reality, not even the Lady's significant reach would save him from indefinite confinement. Every day of freedom was a razor thin rope that he walked with desperate care. The lull of stability he had played at had been shattered upon hearing of Duo's situation from Hilde. If Duo had truly succeeded, the monster he kept at tentative bay would have been released and nothing short of death would have stopped him. Zero had made him into even more of a threat than Dr. J ever could have dreamed and the wall confining that monster was paper thin.

"Heero..."

The sound in Duo's voice showed the true nervousness and apprehension he felt about willingly stepping outside the imagined safety of his home. There was no way any part of him could deny the need to protect Duo. Duo truly was the only thing holding him back, even if he did not even realize it.

Taking his jacket from the rack, he grabbed a few bottles of water and the keys to the truck before walking toward the door where Duo was waiting. Duo griped about being handed up into the truck, but it seemed almost grudging gripe, as if he didn't really mind but felt the need to argue just for appearances sake. It was very much like the old Duo and Heero relished in it and in being able to lay his hands on Duo without serious reprimand. Duo's play at lightheartedness kept him grounded.

As they drove down the street, a companionable silence stretched between them. It was different than when they were younger. Duo had always been uncomfortable in silence and never failed to break it any chance he had. The world was different now and as they had matured, the silence didn't mean there was nothing to say but rather they did not need to speak in order to feel the other was there. What happened the previous night was not discussed or even broached in the slightest. It was painfully obvious Duo didn't want to talk about it yet, and Heero was content to allow him it.

"That's it there."

Heero arched his brow at the sight that came into view. Keeping plant life alive on the colonies was hard. It was why so many of their supplies were shipped in. There were growth plants for food and livestock, but very little in terms of tree littered parks. If he had not glanced up to see the artificial lighting shining down on them from the plates keeping the dead cold of space out, he would have thought he was back on earth. He couldn't help but wonder how they had managed to keep the trees and grass and flowers alive out in the open without the aid of special growth lights and more precise climate control.

"Wow," mumbled Duo. "It looks just like Earth."

"Barely," responded Heero. The grass and trees looked dried out and barely alive, but there was definite life still clinging there in that small park.

"It's close enough."

Heero nodded and parked his truck in a designated area for visitors to the park. It took only a matter of moments to move Duo's chair from the back to where he could settle the other. If there had been new life in Duo's eyes this morning, it was more so alive now.

"The advancements that scientists have made are truly amazing." Heero did not attempt to push Duo, letting him propel himself along the sidewalk.

"If they can do this with a park, the colonies will have a chance to be self-sufficient."

Heero nodded at Duo's words. Perhaps one day that would be true. Complete freedom from Earth would be nice. Even though peace reigned between Earth and the Colonies, those born on Earth still maintained a less than positive mindset when referring to those born on the Colonies. It didn't matter that all came from Earth originally. All that mattered was the differences between the two.

Duo gave a small push to the wheels on his chair and glided down the slight incline to where the grass started. "You know, one thing I always liked about Earth was the grass. I liked to walk on it. It didn't matter how hot the day, it always felt cool to me."

Heero could see the longing on his face and it brought a pang to life in his chest. Duo would never have the chance to feel the grass beneath his feet again—to walk and lope and simply enjoy that small thing he had taken pleasure in before.

"I'm sure it feels pleasant on your hands as well," he offered blandly.

"I guess," murmured Duo as he stared at his fellow colonists enjoying the grassy area.

The artificial lighting shining down on them did not compare to feel of the sun on one's skin or the feel of the breeze blowing through hair. Heero had grown fond of those sensations during his time on Earth. The air in the colonies was stationary. The only breeze that could be felt would be if one was to stand directly beside one of the oxygen distributors. 

Still, the people in the park seemed to be in constant awe and enjoyment of their small bit of Earth. The park was no larger than an acre, yet he was sure to those who had lived most, if not all their lives on the colonies, it was magic. Even Duo seemed mesmerized by the sight before him.

An arm draped over the side of the wheelchair and down to stroke at the green wisps of grass. "It's just like I remembered."

The look of longing on Duo's face harkened Heero into motion. Without a care to the cry of surprise or the annoyance spread over his companions face, he lifted Duo into his arms and immediately placed him on a patch of grass before joining him. He knew immediately that one day he would take Duo back to Earth so that he could feel the grass while lying beneath the sun with a breeze blowing across his skin.

"I'll take you to Earth."

Duo did not respond, rather rubbed his hands along the soft growth. His eyes were closed and his breath puffing out calmly between his lips. It was the most relaxed he had seen him since his arrival on L-2.

As he knelt beside Duo, he brushed his fingers over the blades and frowned. "It's dry."

Duo expelled a light laugh, cracking open his eyes to glace at Heero. "What did you expect? We're in space. There's no rain and water is rationed. This grass probably doesn't get the water it needs to be soft, just enough to live. It sorta reminds me of the people on L-2. For a long time, we just barely lived."

Heero nodded and continued to watch Duo. As a space rat, Duo had grown up without much, most of the time not even having enough to eat. He had learned to horde things he liked and relish in everything that was not necessary to survive. He hadn't really understood that part of Duo in the past. Looking back, he had always scoffed at his natural need to touch and taste everything, to eat until he was nearly sick. Anything new was looked on with desire, even the simplest things. Only Trowa could claim to have any experiences similar to Duo, but even still, it was Heero that received the bulk of Duo's attention.

Duo glanced up at him from where he lay. "What?"

"I was thinking."

"You're always thinking," grunted Duo. "When are you not thinking?"

Heero didn't answer, simply shrugged and turned his gaze to the small park. "L-2 has changed."

"Well, after the war, there was money to be made and the other colonies didn't want to handle the clean-up, so it fell to us. Lucky us, I guess. Cleaning up scrap and dead bodies floating in space makes for good money."

"And people like you rose to the challenge."

Duo lifted his upper body from the grassy bed. "Well, I didn't have anything keeping me on Earth."

The tone in Duo's voice more than the actual words struck a chord in Heero's chest. It was his fault that Duo had escaped to the cold, hard life on the colonies. In a way, it was his fault that Duo had lost use of his legs. If he had not been so broken, he could have welcomed Duo's amateur advances and maybe they could have been happy. If things had been different...

He felt a tic beginning to form in the back of his mind, the second in as many days. His fingers itched to dig the bottle of pills from his pocket. He didn't like having become reliant on the medication and exerted control over the unfamiliar emotions welling up inside him. He would not allow himself to fall into that dark pit. He had held back the darkness for over a decade, he could continue to do so.

"Heero?"

Pulled from his internal struggle, he shoved back the threat and met his companion's gaze. "Yes?"

"You okay?"

"Affirmative." Heero hid behind the act of taking a deep swallow of the water he had brought. He offered the second bottle to Duo.

Duo looked uncertain, but shook it off and accepted the refreshment. Heero had always been very good at lying. Lack of expressed emotion helped in that department. He had forgotten how easy it was to fall back into old habits.

"Are you tired?" he asked so to redirect the attention from himself and onto a neutral field.

Duo inclined his head. "A little."

"We should head back then."

Duo nodded, though his gaze remained on the small patch of dried grass until it was no longer in view.

oOo

Duo grumbled as he awoke from the nap Heero had forced him to take after lunch. He didn't want to say it, but he was grateful. Feeling the dried up grass was something out of a dream. It was one of his greatest regrets upon choosing to live in the colonies. Recycled oxygen in no way compared to the freshness of Earth's natural air. What he wouldn't give to feel a breeze on his skin and the heat of real sun warming him. After a while, one became used to the artificial lighting and climate control on the colonies, but nothing was like the warmth of sunlight.

There were a lot of things he missed. C'est la vie.

Heero made him regret. He took away his anger and brought the world into stark light, peeling away the anger to leave only the reality. But, he also soothed the pains. It was so confusing. Heero had shoved his way into his life when he thought it was over and now he could not bear to think about what life would be like if he left.

He almost laughed. It was no longer a 'when' he left, but rather an 'if'. When had that happened? Whatever the case, he supposed he should get back to work on that floor. Knowing Heero, he wouldn't let him have another break from it today.

As soon as he shifted himself into a sitting position, a wave of nausea rushed through him. He bit back a groan and took a few deep breaths in order to tamp down the sensation. He knew then that his procrastination with the enema had reached a point he could not ignore. Unless he wanted to end up back in the hospital, he would need to clear out his bowls.

"God damn it!" he barked in frustration.

As if the embarrassment having to have an enema wasn't enough, he was damn sure that Heero would not allow him to be alone long enough to do one. He had never done one by himself. Nurses had always been on call during those early days of his injuries and the stool softeners he took generally kept his shit passable. He supposed he could go into one of the local clinics, but then Heero would know for sure because he would have to take him.

Pressing his fingers to his brow, he fought against the pain growing behind his eyes. He was damned in every possible way. Heero would know either way. The only question that remained, should he go into a clinic and let strangers stick a tube up his ass, or should he ask Heero's assistance. If life was perfect, he wouldn't mind Heero poking around in his ass.

He barked out a humorless laugh. If life was perfect, it would not be a small tube that Heero put up his ass. The thought was almost enough to send him into a depression if not for the second wave of nausea to hit him. There was no use in fighting a losing battle. He needed an enema.

"Heero," he called out, certain that sharp hearing would hear his call.

Only a moment later, Heero's compact, lean frame stepped into his bedroom, a frown tugging his lips thin. "Is something wrong?"

Shame mixed liberally with embarrassment as Duo swallowed back the thick lump in his throat. Damn but asking Heero for help was the most difficult thing he had ever done. He could already feel his cheeks burning red as the seconds ticked by.

"I need your help," he mumbled, not able to meet Heero's eyes. Where was the fearless pilot who had thrown himself into battle without a thought to his life? When had he become such a pussy?

"I didn't understand you. Duo?"

"I need you to give me a fucking enema." Duo scowled and raked his fingers though his overgrown bangs. "I'm compacted and I need to get the shit out before I make myself sick."

Heero didn't even blink as he moved and scooped Duo into his arms without another word. The movement was so flawless and effortless that Duo had barely a chance to complain as he found himself moved to the bathroom.

"Where are your supplies?" he asked matter-of-factly.

Duo scowled, but did not fight the request. "Beneath the sink."

Duo found himself seated on the toilet while Heero dug beneath the sink for the carefully stored boxes of fleet enemas that the previous nurses had left for him. There were even a few pairs of latex gloves, which Heero pulled out with the enema package.

Heero was professional as he opened the package, as well as pulled out towels and bath cloths. His face showed nothing when he finally turned to face Duo. "Ready?"

"Best to get it over with, I guess."

Duo was immediately surprised when he was tugged into Heero's arms and laid gently across his lap when Heero settled on the bathing chair across from the toilet. "What are you doing?"

"It will be easier like this." His pants were removed and slid slowly down slender legs. The position was more suited for a spanking, but his voice escaped when he felt the soft touch of hands on his back, just above where feeling began to fade. The sound of lube being squirted onto a finger was the only warning he had. He didn't feel Heero lube his ass, or insert the lubricated tip of the applicator in him. All he could do was stare at the tiled floor of the shower, mentally cringing at the sight of mildew creeping in the grouts and corners while trying not to think about what was happening to him.

He didn't have any warning as he was moved swiftly to the toilet. The wet plopping sound of feces dropping into the toilet brought more redness to his face. "You can leave now."

"No." Heero turned away only long enough to start the shower before turning back and taking the long rope of hair to pin it to the top of Duo's head. He didn't seem to mind the smell or the sound of defecation; or if he did, he didn't show it.

Duo's shirt was tugged over his head and he barely had time to wipe before he was lifted into the shower. He didn't have time to be ashamed as Heero handed him a cloth and then walked from the room. Even over the sound of water, he could hear Heero opening drawers and gathering together clean clothes. Somehow, it didn't feel like his independence was taken from him, but rather that he was being cared for.

Heero returned just as he finished washing down his body and once more he was pulled into arms. Instead of hanging limply, he wrapped his arms around strong shoulders, uncaring that he was soaking Heero's clothes. If Heero didn't care, then he didn't. He just wanted to feel him against his body. He was emotionally exhausted and just wanted to feel the touch of someone who would not judge him.

Heero's arms tightened around him and his face was buried in his neck. He could feel the tickling puffs of breath against the space where his neck joined his shoulder and shivered at the sensation. Heero's lips touched the shower wet skin and the slight lick of a tongue catching the wet droplets pulled a moan from deep within.

"Heero," gasped out Duo breathlessly. 

Heero's body tensed and quivered like a tautly pulled bow at the sound of his name. His arms tightened for just a moment before he pulled away and set about drying and dressing Duo. He wanted to ask why Heero had stopped because the smooth feel of his lips and tongue had been pleasant, but instead chose to remain silent.

When Heero pulled away, Duo could see the tightly drawn lips and flushed cheeks. As his eyes ran down his body, where his clothes clung wetly to his body in certain places, the hard press of an erection against loose pants was hard to ignore. He wanted to offer to take care of it, but the words couldn't seem to form on his lips.

Heero knelt before him, need swirling in his eyes. He didn't do more than press forward so that their lips barely brushed. It was gentle and teasing, barely more than a glide of lips together before being pulled apart. He opened his mouth, only to have Heero shush him with a shake of his head.

"Later. Let me have this."

Whatever he was going to say was lost from his thoughts as Heero lifted him gently into his arms and moved him to his chair. Once again, painfully gentle kisses were pressed to his lips and he any last traces of embarrassment ghosted away in their wake. It caused him to wonder why he had been ashamed in the first place. Heero was showing that his embarrassment had been pointless. He shivered at the brush of a warm tongue over his lower lip.

"That's enough," Heero murmured.

Duo disagreed with the comment. He wanted more, to maintain this euphoric feeling that continued long after the kisses halted. With a growl, he reached forward and wrapped one arm around Heero's waist, while his other hand latched onto mussed hair. "More."

Heero's eyes dilated and his breath escaped in a long shaky breath. "Duo..."

He didn't want excuses. Heero was making him feel something. It had been a long time since he had felt anything. He wasn't going to let him escape without prolonging that feeling. He didn't care if it was because of the emotional toil the earlier enema had wrought on him. It didn't matter in that moment. He just wanted to feel Heero against him, kissing and touching him. He wanted to feel something, anything.

He could see Heero wavering and pressed his advantage. "Please."

Heero's hands tightened on his arms and he knew he had won.


	11. Chapter 11

Maybe he was selfish. It wouldn’t be the first time that he had done something simply out of desire. Hell, he couldn’t even count how many times he had allowed that part of his personality to take hold. His childhood on the streets had instilled into him the need to take what he could when he could, for it was only a matter of time until it was taken from him. If anything, he was hardwired to be selfish.

And Heero, the one thing he had wanted above all, was being presented to him. He could see the way he played him, even if it was a bit unconsciously. He was poking the embers that crackled beneath the surface. But God, he wanted to feel that need. It wasn’t about the sexual release. The physical aspect of that was lost to him. In truth the loss was a minor thing now. It was the intimacy he craved more than anything—the touch of another in more than passing.

He’d seen when Heero prepared to pull away. His companion would have been satisfied with a few kisses and left it at that. Heero might have been satisfied, but not him. Duo needed more. He needed to feel alive. The gaping hole of despair loomed before him. The last few days had given him something to grab on to, and also taken equal away. He no longer desired to kill himself, but at the same time, could not bear to continue on as if nothing had changed. The pain of what he had lost still ate at him. Every day. All day.

That one word of “please” had broken Heero’s control. Some small part of him internally gloated at being the one to break the famous soldier’s control and focus. He wanted to say that with the wars over, that control had weakened. But, that wasn’t the truth. The fighting was over, but not who they were. Even in the state he was in, he still kept an eye on the black market and arms traders. Heero was like him in that aspect. You could take the soldier out of the war, but never fully remove the war from the soldier. There was too much blood on all their hands for that.

“Duo.”

The way Heero said his name, slightly more desperately this time, caused a shiver to run down his spine and pulled him back from his thoughts. There was a mixture of longing and lust in the way the name rolled off Heero’s tongue. Having him in his arms was like holding a cobra, fully being aware of the poisonous venom that could be spewed forth at any moment. The knowledge of having such power over a deadly beast was a high he doubted he would ever tire of experiencing.

Even with his acquiescence, Heero seemed to be holding back. And, that wouldn’t do. This was more than sex or lust or power. Duo needed someone to ground him. He needed someone to hold him in place against the vacuum that threatened to send him spiraling away all the while pushing him over the edge of reason.

He had no words, that alone being hilarious. If ever there were someone who never lacked for words, it was Duo. Yet, in this moment, all he cared about was the touch of their bodies and how Heero cradled him so very closely.

His fingers trembled as he lifted his hands to stroke down Heero’s face, marveling at the smooth skin. Damn his Asian heritage and the natural smoothness. Every part of him was perfect. Not only was Heero the ‘perfect soldier’, he was also physically perfect. He suspected that the smooth skin was a genetic alteration, but he wasn’t going to press the issue. Heero was perfect in his eyes, regardless of the genetic tampering.

Heero’s breath stuttered when Duo brushed the curve of his ear. The accidental discovery was immediately taken advantage of when he leaned forward and traced his tongue along the cartilage. The sound of Heero’s moan sent a shiver of pleasure down his spine. He could almost perceive what such a sound would cause in him before his accident. A tingling in his lower spine. The painful pleasure of an erection. An aching tightness in his balls.

A slight rush of regret rippled through him, which he quickly pushed aside. There was no place for regrets anymore. They were not worth the time and effort. He might not get as much pleasure from tonight, but giving Heero pleasure would provide him with enough satisfaction.

Using his teeth on the flexible bit of flesh, his hand journeyed down the expanse of chest and underneath the damp shirt Heero still wore. The hard, ribbed muscle shifted beneath his touch and a growl rumbled from his companion.

Never one to waste time, he shifted his hand just enough to brush over the erection. It rather surprised him and yet it didn’t. Heero hadn’t extrapolated on what sort of medications he took, but Duo was no fool. He knew some of those antipsychotics had erectile dysfunction side effects. Their effect on him was probably muted due to all the genetic adjustments on his body, likely lowering the effectiveness as well as the side effects.

Heero’s hand darted between their bodies and stopped his hand from further exploration. “Stop.”

“And I said I wanted it.”

Heero swallowed, causing his Adam’s apple to bob. “No, I mean, let me.”

Duo found himself lifted away from Heero’s body and placed on his bed. The head was still lifted into a sitting position and he frowned at what was going through his companion’s mind. “Heero…”

Heero ignored him and moved with nimble grace so that he straddled Duo’s useless legs. His hands easily slipped beneath Duo’s shirt and tugged it over his head. For a quick instant, he wanted to reach for the cotton garment. His months of neglect showed in his thin body and lack of defined muscles. Compared to Heero’s ribbed abdomen and sinewy arms, he was quite unattractive.

He really didn’t have a chance to cover himself before hands reached for his head. Long tapered fingers that had once danced over computer keys in genius strokes now dug into his bound hair. A hand lowered to grab the tip and released the band keeping the braid confined. The fingers were immediately on his scalp, working the thick hair free so that it pooled around them in wavy rivers. The feel of those fingers working deep into his scalp brought an unbidden moan from him as blood was worked into the area.

“Damn, that feels good.” Better than sex in some ways. The massaging fingers sent tingles from his head down his neck and ever across his shoulders. He held back the whimper when he felt his nipples tightening from the rippling sensation working down his body.

Heero huffed a sound. It could have been a word. It could have been a sigh. Reading Heero noises was an art, not a science and Duo was too damn distracted and seduced by what was being done to him to bother trying to decipher it. Damn if he wasn’t a bad soldier. He used to be so damn good at multi-tasking.

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back as Heero’s lips brushed the underside of his jaw. He hadn’t shaved today, so the faint stubble was starting to make its way upward through his skin. He might not have Heero’s baby smooth skin, but at least he didn’t have to shave every day. When he felt Heero stop and rub their cheeks together, a chuckle rumbled from him.

“I guess I should have shaved while I was in the bathroom.”

Heero continued to rub against his cheek like a cat. “I like it.”

“You can burn your skin if you keep that up,” sighed Duo when Heero’s lips began sliding up to meet his.

“Doubtful.”

“You say that now, but wait until morning and you have beard burn on your cheeks.” Duo’s words trailed off as their lips met. 

He wouldn’t say it was a kiss to stop time, because that was just ridiculous. It was a kiss like any other, only it was with Heero, so that made it so much more. It was wet, their tongues brushing and stroking. Duo’s hands, that had laid idle while Heero stroked his hair, now lifted to grab his head. Fingers dug into the wayward locks that remained untamed even ten years later and pressed closer. He wanted to be absorbed into the other. He wanted them to be one being, even if such things were fanciful musings.

It started slow, a burning simmer, but as soon as his hands dropped from Heero’s head to glide down his back and grip his ass, the kiss changed in an instant. He could see the insane glimmer in Heero’s eye. It was faint and muted by medication and years of strict control, but it was still there—a beast, monster even, sitting and waiting for release. And that send a wave of regret through him, not only for what was done to Heero, but to all of them in a way. He was long over what they had gone through. It was in the past and nothing could change that. He’d always been like a duck until recent years, letting all his troubles slide from his back. No, while what had been done to all of them was an evil the world could never repay, it was what he had lost a chance at having in this moment that saddened him. 

His mind played through all the possibilities. Rough, messy sex that satisfied the monsters that were housed inside both of them. He almost groaned at the mental image of pounding inside Heero—of being bent over for Heero. Sex for them would be like fighting, bloody and so very satisfying.

He might have continued on that mental route had Heero not sat back and gripped his chin with a hand. “Stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m fine.”

Heero growled and leaned forward, blue eyes growing as hard as flint. “Then, I’m not doing it right.”

Their lips met again, this time with less slowness. When they seemed to reach a lull in the kiss, Heero bit down hard on his lip. Duo’s howl was lost in Heero’s mouth as blood tinted the kiss.

His hands gripped at Heero even harder, rising up enough to press their chests together. He could feel the tight tingling in his skin and moved his hands to get a better grip. God, the frustration in his body was building and he wanted to scream at it.

He was so lost in his building need that he didn’t even notice Heero’s lips leave his until he felt the sharp bite of teeth on his shoulder and this time, there was no stopping the sound of his howl. God, it was almost like a release. It built the tension even more and yet released it at the same time.

He was panting. He could barely catch his breath when he felt Heero’s tongue lapping at his shoulder. He didn’t have to look to know the skin was broken. God, he was getting off on Heero acting like a vampire and whined low in his throat. Every inch of his skin from his head to where he lost feeling at his waist was on fire. His entire being seemed compressed into his upper body and he was nearly jumping out of his flesh from the sensation. He was on the pinnacle, not quite able to fall over and it was slowly driving him insane. Until now, he had always assumed sexual arousal came from the sex organs. Maybe, he hadn’t been quite correct in that.

Heero watched him like a predator—sharp eyes filled with wild ferocity. Those doctors were crazy if they thought medication would keep such a demon bound. Maybe it muted things, but right now, Duo was facing him and it was like looking into a mirror. Dr. J hadn’t been lying when he’d said Heero felt things deeply. It was the Perfect Soldier that kept the monster from destroying the world.

“Are you there yet?” He growled and Duo shivered, the voice coiling the pleasure inside him a little tighter.

“That’s pretty arrogant of you, thinking you can get a paraplegic off.” Poking the beast was always a fun thing, particularly when the beast was so close to the surface, unlike when they were children.

A low growl rumbled in Heero’s chest, followed by a slow calm that was more frightening than a wild storm. The warm stroke of Heero’s hand down his chest caused his body to shiver and his panting to increase, as if he had run a marathon. Heero didn’t seem to mind the stark visibility of his ribs or the concave dip of his stomach.

When he reached his navel, he stopped his downward drop. “Does it stop here?”

Duo didn’t have to ask for clarification on that question. “There about.”

The hand moved away and Heero shifted down until his head was level with Duo’s waist. God, the image was provocative and he wanted to scream at the injustice. Just once, he wanted to know what it felt like to have Heero’s lips on his dick. If this sort of sex was driving him toward insanity, the real stuff would have killed him.

Heero’s tongue in his navel was a vague sensation. The feeling was muted in that area, but he still felt it and a groan rumbled from him. There was no point in being silent, hell Heero would think something was wrong if he wasn’t vocal.

Instead of moving downward, as in a normal progression of sex, Heero moved upward. The further from his waist he went, the stronger the sensation and the louder Duo’s utterances became.

The final drop occurred when Heero reached his nipples. Duo was certain his nipples had never been as sensitive as they were now. He felt Heero’s heated breath over the puckered flesh and his nails bit deeply into the warm shoulders beneath his palms.

First a tongue darted out to flick at the tip, just a quick brush. Then, the hardened pucker was engulfed in warm lips. His body jolted and he was pressed even closer to the barrier of release he couldn’t quite pierce. And that created a deeper frustration inside him.

“Heero,” he whined. They had to stop now. He needed to cool down.

Dark blue eyes glanced up at him, understanding and ignoring the unspoken plea. The sadistic gleam in Heero’s eye was only eased by the dark promise that by the end of this, he would be completely satisfied. But that didn’t help ease the frustration his body held. He wasn’t sure what he had wanted when he initiated this, but now he was paying the piper.

Heero’s tongue continued to stroke and lave at the flesh, bringing more moans and whimpers from Duo. The lips switched to the other nipple and applied the same attention to the area. He was reaching the point where he could go no farther. There was no higher he could be brought. He was being dangled on the edge of oblivion with no hopes of falling in.

He parted his lips, fully preparing to firmly stop their game when Heero bit down, hard. The unformed words were transformed into a loud shout of pain and pleasure. The bite was hard, harder than any other to that point. There was definitely blood involved. He could vaguely feel it trickling down his chest.

But that, was barely something he registered, for his entire body was shaking and quivering. The teeth dug deeper and the shout transformed into a yowl. He completely shattered. Every part of his being exploded. The rush of endorphins flooded his bloodstream and created a natural high that carried him along. It wasn’t a traditional orgasm. He wasn’t even sure he could call it an orgasm, but the tension and frustration that Heero had built in him was abating as the tide of opioid neuropeptides spilled through his brain. It wasn’t an orgasm, but it was damn near close.

He hadn’t realized how sensitive the parts of his body not affected by his situation were. Heero panted against him as well, his body shaking with unreleased tension. He had always wondered what he would look like when in that state. The barely restrained desire pulling his face taut sent a tendril of warmth into the pit of his stomach. How could he bring anyone to that state unknowingly? He was more or less half a man, and yet Heero was in a very obvious state of high arousal.

One hand lifted and tilted Heero’s face so that their lips could touch. He could taste the faint tinge of blood and groaned. He was tasting himself on Heero.

Duo didn’t even think before reaching between them and slipping his hands into the waistband of Heero’s loose pants. There was a look of uncertainty flashing across his face before Heero’s head was flung back and low groan rumbled from his chest.

The shaft he grasped in his hand was silky and smooth. Sweat and precum dampened the organ and eased his strokes. He considered drawing out the act, but from the quaking of Heero’s body, he was in a desperate state. It had been a while since Duo had held a dick in his hands, but figured it was like riding a bike. Quick, smooth strokes were followed by easy flicks of his fingers over the leaking tip. Heero had a damn nice package for someone as compact as he was.

Heero whimpered, his body drawing up tight. A small gasp escaped his lips and he buried his face in Duo’s neck. “Duo,” he whispered.

No sooner had his name been uttered, a flood of warm fluid spilled into his hand as Heero shuddered against him. He wasn’t really surprised at the quiet release. Heero had never been a loud person.

He withdrew his hand and looked at the pearly smear on his palm before wiping his hand clean on the sheets beneath him. Heero gave a final shudder before collapsing atop him in a limp heap. It was an uncomfortable position and he felt almost smothered beneath the other’s weight; but, he couldn’t bring himself to complain. He felt wanted like this, desired even. The L word…that one wasn’t for him, but what he felt was pretty damn close. Sex didn’t alter what was already there, it simply forced him to accept it.

Heero shifted his body and collapsed on the bed beside him with a heavy sigh. It was a tight fit, and Duo rolled his eyes when his companion began to doze. With a blind, seeking hand, he grasped the controller to the bed and lowered the head into a more comfortable position before dozing off himself.

oOo

Duo was in that space between a light doze and deeper sleep when something caused his eyes to pop open and his mind to shift into immediate alert. It was like during the first war, when he’d had to be ready in a moment’s notice or when he slept in his Deathscythe while floating in space. He’d never really completely lost that subtle awareness of his surroundings even after years of peace. His instincts screamed at him that danger approached.

His eyes shifted to Heero and a frown tugged down his lips. Sweat beaded heavily on the other’s face and chest. His closed eyelids twitched in tandem with his shifting muscles. Duo didn’t have to be a genius to recognize a nightmare.

Uncertain what to do, his hand reached out and touched Heero’s shoulder in an attempt to pry him from the dream’s grasp. He realized it for the mistake it was the instant his hand made contact. He wasn’t sure how it happened but in an instant, Heero’s eyes shot open and it wasn’t the Heero from recent days. And it sure as hell wasn’t the Heero that had gotten him off not long before. This was the Heero from wars past, a soldier created to bring death and fear.

Before he could even think, he was shoved away with enough force to send him off the bed. He grunted and bit back a cry as he slammed into his empty wheelchair. Now sprawled on the floor, he shifted his gaze to where Heero crouched on the bed. “Fuck, Heero. Wake up, dammit.”

The words had no effect and Duo’s mind searched for some solution, because with that look on Heero’s face, if he didn’t identify himself as a friendly soon, he was going to end up dead. 

“Identify yourself.” The tone of Heero’s voice sent a chill down his spine. He’d forgotten how cold he could be while in that Perfect Soldier mode. It was the demand though, that gave him an out.

“Pilot designation 02. 01, stand down.”

Heero blinked once, an almost confused look spreading across his face. He shook his head, a hand lifting to touch his brow an instant before a look of real fear spread across his face. “Duo!”

Duo sighed in relief when Heero lunged to his side. Shaking hands traced down his body. “What have I done?”

“I’m fine,” said Duo with a groan as Heero pulled him into his arms.

At least, he thought he was fine. He would have to examine himself more thoroughly to be certain. He’d hit that wheelchair with a lot of force.

Heero ignored him, hands running over his body. The gliding touches faded as he reached where his boxers hung low on his hips. It was then that Duo noticed the deep gash in his thigh just above his knee. Well, fuck. He could tell without closer examination that it would require stitches. The only benefit of his current situation was that he couldn’t feel it. He could remember many a night having to stitch himself up after a firefight and it hurt like a bitch. He bore the occasional scar as proof positive of his piss poor first aid skills. The only barely visible scars were the ones tended to by Heero or Trowa.

Heero immediately had him in his arms and into the bathroom. With him seated on the toilet seat, he watched as Heero cleaned the injury of blood. “There’s a first aid kit in the bedroom, in the closet.”

Heero said nothing as he disappeared, appearing with a well-stocked kit. It wasn’t a generic kit, but rather identical to the ones they had carried with them during the wars. He wouldn’t be surprised if the others hid away similar stashes. It was hard to take away the instinctive need to be prepared after all they had been through.

“You don’t need that.” Duo pointed to the needle and general anesthetic he was drawing up.

Of course Heero ignored him and inserted the need into his thigh. Duo rolled his eyes and sat back to watch. He was almost mesmerized at the smooth stitches that began to form as the wound was closed. Heero was neat and meticulous with them. The scar it left would likely be almost unnoticeable once it healed, provided no infection set in.

As soon as the wound was bandaged, Heero lifted him back into his arms and transferred him to the bed before heading toward the door. Duo felt a rush of unease in Heero’s silence. “Hey, it’s cool. It was just a flashback. I have them too from time to time.”

Heero paused and turned to stare at him. “I could have killed you.”

Duo snorted. “As if. The only way you could kill me would be if I let you.”

“I’m not joking. I could have killed you…would have killed you if…”

“If I hadn’t identified myself…which I did as soon as I could think. Problem solved.”

Heero shook his head. “What if I hadn’t allowed you to? What if I went into a full kill mode?”

“Then I’ll start carrying a gun and shoot you in the leg…not like I haven’t done that before.” Duo was starting to become scared. Not the fear for one’s life scared but the sort of scared where he knew if he didn’t do something, he would regret it for the rest of his life.

“I’ve got to go.”

“Go? Go where? Damn it, Heero.” Duo struggled to move his legs into a sitting position and reached toward his chair. If Heero was going to run, he was damn well going to chase him.

“I need to think…I’ll be back.”

“Wait!” Of course he was ignored. It wasn’t the first time that he’d been ignored by him.

Duo watched helpless as Heero left the room. The fear that knotted in his belly grew, chilling him to his very soul. Something told him that he’d just lost the war he didn’t even know he was fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so it's been a while, but at least I've finally gotten back the writing bug. Thanks for those who commented, left kudos, or just plan like this story. It's a labor of love even if I abandoned it for a while. Edited 11/13/16


	12. Chapter 12

L-2, like the other colonies, possessed climate control. The temperature remained a consistent 75 degrees. Some might wonder why so low. The reason being, the colony was formed by metal and machines. Overheating was a real possibility if the space was too warm. Even 75 degrees was pushing the limits, but concessions had to be given for the colonists.

The temperature barely registered to Heero as he stood in the muted lighting of the street. Automated lighting simulated day and night on similar rotations as Earth. It wasn’t exactly like Earth, not even close, but it at least gave the semblance of routine for the colonies.

Lifting a hand to his brow, he clenched his fingers into a tight enough fist that a wetness began to seep through and ooze against his face. Only then, did he pull his hand back and stare at the crescent shaped cuts in his palm along with thick smears of crimson blood. Shaking wracked his body and his mind swirled with despair. He’d hurt Duo. It didn’t matter that it was the result of a dream/flashback or that it had been unintentional. He had hurt him and that alone was worth all his personally directed disgust. All the medication in the world would not stop his self-loathing.

His psychiatrist was right. He needed to be institutionalized. He wasn’t fit to live amongst the normal people, if he had ever been. If he could hurt one of the only people that he cared for, then what would he do to a stranger? What would he do if his mind finally broke under the strain of remnants of the Zero program and his lifetime of training? It was a question he could easily answer. If it came to the life of Duo and the millions of people living out their lives on Earth, he would destroy the planet a hundred times over. That one answer was what frightened everyone. It was why he had refused Lady Une’s request for field work time and again. If he was barely fit to even walk amongst people, then what monster would be released if a gun was placed in one hand and a kill order in the other?

The small phone in his pocket beeped incessantly. Instinct had refused to allow him to leave the small device behind. A quick glance at the face showed Duo’s name flashing desperately. He wanted to hear his voice. The shaking in him increased and he fought back the tempting urge to answer. He couldn’t face him now, not after what he’d done.

He tapped the ignore symbol and turned his gaze toward the domed roof of L-2. The protective tint hid the brightness of the stars, even with the dimmed inner lights. It was one thing he missed, floating in zero gravity, the hidden windows in his cockpit allowing him to watch the twinkling of long dead stars, their light just reaching his eyes, even though they had expired millennia ago.

His phone chimed again and he fought the urge to throw it as far as his strength would allow. He couldn’t face Duo, even if it was only his voice. He pulled the bottle of medication from his pocket, staring at the printed label with disgust. Worthless junk. He was foolish to think it would continue to work for him. No medication worked for long, when they found one that worked at all. His body developed tolerances too quickly. Even the pre-colony medications had only limited effects and those had been failing lately. He’d seen the signs and was too foolish to admit to them.

Staring at his phone for a long moment, he considered his options before sliding his finger in a quick action and scrolling to a familiar name. Pressing the device to his ear, he waited impatiently for a voice to answer.

“Heero?” WuFei’s voice was clouded by sleep, but still remained alert.

He swallowed and opened his mouth, only no sound escaped. How could he ask for help when he was unable to bear the thought of asking? Could he bear to give Duo up when he had just had him returned to him?

“Heero?” The voice was clearer, holding a bit of sternness—demanding an answer. “Heero, is something wrong?”

Still he couldn’t find the words to fully express what he felt. It was like a dam blocking his vocal acuity. He was almost to the point of hyperventilating from the distress of being unable to express to the one person who he was certain would understand him.

“Heero Yuy…Report.”

The underlying sternness in WuFei’s voice transformed into an order. It held no trace of concern, but matter-of-factly demanded an answer. The soldier inside him took over and the dam blocking his voice abated as if it was never there.

“Duo Maxwell was injured tonight.” It was like he was watching himself from outside his body. His voice sounded cold and unfeeling in his ears, yet he was unable to fully unite his body and soul. He was aware that he sounded mechanical, and yet he could not find the emotion to bring forth. Only Duo could unite his mind, body, and spirit.

“Explain.” Again an order, and again he reverted into his solder-self.

“A dream converted into a flashback and caused me to injure him.”

“Continue. Why were you sleeping with Maxwell?”

“Irrelevant.” The word wavered and a shudder went through him. WuFei was getting too close to personal.

“I’ll ask again. Why were you sleeping with Maxwell? Did he do something to set you off?”

Heero ground his teeth together and growled low in his throat. “That is none of your business.”

He could almost hear WuFei’s smile through the line. “Glad to have you back. Heero…are you taking your medication?”

Heero allowed his bangs to fall over his eyes. “The effects are…ineffective.”

“Have you called your psychiatrist?”

Running a hand through his hair, he allowed his silence to speak for him. At this point, there was nothing that could be done for him through therapy, drug or otherwise. He heaved a sigh and dropped down onto a bench on the side of the narrow road.

“I’ll take that as a no,” sighed WuFei into his ear. “How bad was Maxwell hurt?”

“Bruising and a deep laceration to the thigh.” Heero closed his eyes as he remembered cleaning the blood from the cut before stitching it.

“How did it happen?”

“Flashback.”

He could almost hear WuFei roll his eyes. “Heero…”

“I threw him across the room. I don’t recall all of it. I just thought he was an enemy…Oz.” He tried to control his breathing least he revert back into the soldier that had threatened to overcome him only moments ago. 

“What did Duo say?” asked WuFei.

Heero paused, silence stretching wide as he thought back to the desperate look into violet eyes. WuFei seemed to take the silence as the answer that it was.

“Damn it, Heero. You need to go back and talk to him.”

“There is nothing to say.”

“The hell there isn’t.” He’d rarely heard WuFei curse, though if compared to Duo’s quite elaborate selection of curse words, ‘hell’ was not even one. For WuFei, it was bordering on vulgar.

“It doesn’t matter because I’m leaving as soon as the transports start.”

WuFei sounded livid. “What? Heero, stop being a damn fool.”

“I’m a danger to Duo if I stay. The medication isn’t controlling the flashbacks as well as before. I need to be reevaluated. I’m a danger to those around me.” To Duo, the final bit left off, though most definitely implied.

“If I’m understanding the situation correctly, Duo is fucking fragile and I don’t mean his body. What do you think will happen if you leave him now? I’ll be visiting L-2, but not for a reunion. I’ll be going for a funeral.”

Heero froze at the words, his blood running so cold that it seemed to become like sludge in his veins. “He’s stronger now.”

“You are either blind or stupid, and we both know your intelligence borders on genius.” WuFei was pacing, he could barely hear the sound of feet padding on hardwood flooring. “Listen to me. I’m your friend. We’ve known each other for over ten years and been through very similar hells. I may not have the same affection for Maxwell, but I do consider him a valued comrade. Maybe given time, I could consider him a friend. And I know, that if I lost what he will when you leave, I don’t think I could survive it and I’m not nearly in the fragile state that he’s in.”

“I’ll hurt him again.”

“You don’t know that,” said WuFei quietly.

Heero shook his head. “I do know it. The flashbacks…”

“Don’t use excuses. We all have flashbacks. It’s something we have to live with. Yours are simply worse than most. I think the only reason Maxwell was hurt, was because he wasn’t expecting it. You haven’t seen each other in a decade, you can’t expect things to be perfect and like you were never apart. It doesn’t work like that. Maxwell is damn smart, I’ll give him that. He’s like a cat and can adapt if you give him a chance.”

“I don’t think I can stand if I hurt him again.”

“You’re stronger than that, Heero.” He could hear WuFei typing something through their connection. “Listen, I’m at Quatre’s place, but I’m going to head on to L-2. I’ve reserved a seat on the next transport. Don’t do anything stupid until I arrive.”

“Heero?”

Heero’s head jerked up and he saw Duo, looking exhausted, sweat dripping from his face and hair. Even from the distance he could see the way his upper body quivered. If WuFei said anything else, it was lost to him as he was on his feet and nearly running toward Duo.

Glancing over him in a quick assessment, he took in the sweat pants and wrinkled shirt. His hair was messily braided, with strands escaping to frame his face. His breath gasped in and out and his eyes carried a desperate look he hadn’t seen since the wars.

“You’re fuckin’ hard to find,” panted Duo. “I searched twelve blocks ‘fore I found ya.”

Heero frowned at the street slang working its way into Duo’s accent. He’d only seen it appear on very rare occasions, once when Duo had gotten ahold of some expensive whiskey during the first war, and again when he was doped up on pain meds after being wounded during a mission.

“Duo?”

“I’m fine.” Duo waved a hand as if to shoo away any thoughts that he was more than capable. Heero was not fooled.

“You do not look fine.” Heero took his wrist between his fingers and measured the racing pulse, while taking in the pallor of skin and cold sweat.

Duo took offence and jerked his hand away. “Stop it. ‘m fine. Jus tired.”

“Then why has your accent changed?”

“Whus it matter ta ya? It’s who I am.” Duo stared intently at him from his chair, defiant as ever. Heero nearly laughed.

“Yes, it is.”

Duo relaxed slightly, his body slumping in his chair. “Comes out when I’m worried.”

“I’m sorry.” There was nothing else he could say.

“Yeah, well, if I woke up next to me, I’d freak out too.”

The words had barely left Duo’s lips before Heero was in his face, anger radiating from every pore in his being. “Don’t you dare think that!”

Anger was a strange emotion for him. It was hard to control because he was not used to feeling it. His training had taken his anger and redirected it. Strong emotions such as anger and hate were not useful in battle. They clouded the mind and endangered the mission. Duo even suggesting that he was anything but perfect in his eyes brought forth that rare emotion in such a heavy rush that he thought for an instant he might hurt Duo for even thinking it.

“It’s true. Literally half a man. Scarred all to hell, looking like shit. Hell, ten years ago, running twelve blocks wouldn’t have even winded me. Now, I can’t even roll myself half that distance without nearly giving out. I’m definitely not going to win any contests.” Duo’s voice had very little emotion as he spoke matter-of-factly.

“No, it is not.” Heero wrapped an arm around Duo’s waist and lifted him so that his legs dangled, using the strength of his arms to keep him aloft and their faces close enough that they could feel each other’s breaths on their cheeks.

“Put me down.” Duo’s hands clenched at Heero’s arms with surprising strength.

“No.” He tightened his grip and buried his face into Duo’s damp neck, smelling the sweat and fear and relief. He was lost without Duo, but he was too afraid to keep him. Damnation was his in either situation and it burned a deep hole in his stomach. How much he had changed since the days when his emotions were held back beneath a curtain of righteous duty.

“Heero.” Duo’s desperate grip on his arms loosened and the thin arms slipped around his neck, holding him just as close.

Heero’s breath escaped him in soft puffs and the fear and desperation abated ever so slightly. Duo was in his arms. He could hurt him…would hurt him, again and again; and yet he did not care. He could not find the strength to care when his tattered soul was being soothed by the balm of Duo’s presence. Years apart had done nothing but cause him to revel in his regrets.

“I hate you,” Duo whispered against his neck.

Heero nodded his head and held him even tighter, his body trying once more to be absorbed into Duo. The only true peace he had ever known was in Duo’s arms. After last night, after the release of all his frustrations, both physically and emotionally, he had never had such a restful ease in dropping off to sleep.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again.

“I’m not weak, Heero.” Duo pulled back enough so that their gazes could meet. “I can take a beating and give as good as I get. I know how to handle myself, so you don’t have to be an idiot about it. You’re fucked up. I’m fucked up. This whole damn world is fucked up. No one who lived through the wars is ever going to be right. This world won’t be free of this shit until we’re all dead and gone and nothing but a paragraph in a student’s history book. Hell, I’d be surprised if we even make it that far. I think History would rather forget all about use and what we did. Probably be better if it did. I sure as hell wish I could.”

“It’s not so simple.”

Duo shook his head. “Nope, not so simple. Listen, put me back in the chair and let’s talk like we should have before you went all crazy and stormed out. I’m not going to lie, dangling like this isn’t the most comfortable position for me anymore.”

Heero eyed the chair. He wasn’t ready to release his hold on Duo and return him to that chair, so instead of following the request, he scooped an arm beneath limp legs and lifted him bridal style. The squawk of indignation was ignored as he carried him to the bench and settled down with Duo on his lap.

Duo’s grumbling was ignored, but at least they were both more comfortable. He waited for Duo to speak, afraid to start.

“What happened was my fault,” said Duo, finally breaking the silence between them once more.

Heero’s body gave a jerk. “No.”

“Hear me out. I’ve gotten…complacent. I’ve let myself go dull. I wasn’t thinking. I should have let you work yourself out of your dream like I did back in the day. I wasn’t so stupid to ever wake you back then and I should have known better now. I just…I didn’t want you to have to relive whatever it was you were dreaming. I didn’t want you to have to see it again because if it’s anything like what I dream, you would do whatever it took to make it stop.”

Heero clenched his jaw and thought back to the dream. He could do nothing else but recall the horrors he had brought. Good. Evil. During war, they were nothing but a matter of perspective. In his eyes, what they did was a good and necessary thing…but to the family of Oz personnel, they were an evil. It was not the act of killing that haunted him, for such was the nature of war. What continued to plague him was the knowledge of his own distance from it. He had killed with little remorse. And that haunted him more than anything. Yes, Oz had done evil things—war crimes if there were really such a thing. But still, had the side he fought for done any different?

“I was stupid and it won’t happen again. Just…don’t…leave me alone. I’m stupid. I let you get close again. I was at the point where I could die and welcome it with relief. But now, I can’t do it and it’s your fucking fault, so don’t you dare leave me alone to this. We’re gonna work this out because I refuse to let you leave me in this hell again after pulling me back.” Duo clenched a fist into Heero’s shit before slamming their lips together in a brutal kiss.

It was less a kiss and more a desperate and violent plea to be understood. Heero tasted blood, and drew back to see a small split in Duo’s lip where his teeth had accidentally cut him in that forceful coming together. Without thinking, he leaned forward and stroked his tongue across the faint trickle of crimson, tasting the coppery flavor of fresh blood.

Duo moaned and angled his head so that Heero had easier access. When the bleeding stopped, Heero pulled back enough to stare into violet eyes. He was broken…so very broken. How could he stay and what could he offer another who was just as broken as him? The other question that spiraled through his mind was just as painfully difficult. How could he leave?

Duo pulled back as much as he could, their eyes never breaking the connection. He moved so quickly, Heero never saw the fist coming. His head snapped to the side with more force than he thought Duo possessed. “Don’t ever fucking do that again,” growled Duo in a voice very much reminiscent of the Death God Gundam pilot he had once known.

No more words were spoken after that. Neither had any fight left in them for physical or verbal sparring. Duo was as limp as a noodle as he reluctantly returned him to his chair. He didn’t even fight when Heero took hold of the handles and propelled him down the sidewalk toward his house.

As they entered the house, he looked down to find Duo deeply asleep. The shadows beneath his eyes created a sickly appearance on his face. He was wearing his exhaustion for all to see. And it shamed him.

As carefully as he could, he lifted Duo from the chair and carried him to his bed, settling him as best he could. He so desperately wanted to join him, but fear still churned inside him and he refused to allow himself to hurt Duo again that night but was afraid to leave him. He had to settle with making a thin pallet on the floor against the wall with a few blankets and pillows. It was nothing compared to the places he had slept in the past and it took only a few moments until he adjusted to the hard floor.

Closing his eyes, he listened to the faint snores coming from the bed and smiled. This reminded him of years past when he and Duo would share space. Just the sound of his breathing was a comfort and brought back the few moments of peace he had known while the world collapsed around them.

oOo

The sound of loud knocking roused Heero immediately. His eyes flew open and his hand instantly reached for the gun that was not there. It took several moments before he could process where he was and more importantly what had happened the previous night. When he heard Duo stirring from where he still slept, he was on his feet and moving as silent as a cat toward the door, ready to send away whomever it was so Duo could continue to rest.

The door was pulled open and the sight greeting him was not what he had expected. Three men stood before him, one looking slightly annoyed. WuFei, he immediately noticed was glaring at a slightly taller, blond sporting a neatly trimmed beard and bright smile upon seeing Heero.

“Heero, my friend. It’s been too long.”

Quatre Raberba Winner was a force to be reckoned with. A tall slender man with light brown hair and kind eyes stood solemnly behind Quatre and WuFei. He knew him. He knew all of them. They were all here. They had come.

“I’m sorry, Heero. I tried to sneak out.” WuFei brought his fingers to the bridge of his nose. “Damn Maganacs reported to him before I was even out of the building.”

Heero had no doubt that he had tried. He should have known this would happen eventually. His solitary time with Duo was at its end. The five original Gundam pilots were about to be reunited, whether he wanted it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while. I hope folks still enjoy this story. Maybe this means I'm getting my writing inspiration back.  
> edited 11/14/16


	13. Chapter 13

Heero’s fist clenched and he took several fortifying breaths in order to gather his thoughts. He knew his face revealed nothing of the turmoil swirling inside him, of the anger and frustration and all out stress their presence on Duo’s doorstep created inside him. They couldn’t know how close to the edge he and Duo were. WuFei might understand, but that hadn’t stopped him from allowing them to tag along.

He released a slow, calming breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, praying the tension would ebb from him. He didn’t move from his guarding of the entry, but nodded in acknowledgement of them.

It wasn’t until WuFei stepped forward, keeping his gaze with dark piercing eyes. “May we come in?”

The words were carefully spoken, reminding him of how a tamer might speak to a wild animal. WuFei was a smart one. He knew a monster when he saw one. He was the only one who truly knew the struggles he lived with every day. Not even Duo had a full grasp of what Heero did just to keep his sanity, such that it was, firmly tucked in place. But WuFei did. He understood.

Heero paused, glancing back into the house, his ears straining for any sound that Duo had awoken before slowing stepping aside, careful to keep his back from being exposed. If any of them noted his caution, they were polite enough not to comment on it. After the stress of the previous day, he was having difficulty keeping the soldier from rising to the top. He was in control, but his instincts were on high alert and it was difficult to distinguish between friend and foe.

“I see you’ve been doing some renovating.”

His gaze shifted to Quatre, knowing the words were meant as merely an icebreaker, something to introduce conversation between them and bridge the silence. “Yes…carpet is…inefficient here.”

Shifting his gaze back to WuFei, he asked, “How did you arrive so quickly?”

WuFei inclined his head toward Quatre. “He keeps a shuttle prepared to leave at a moment’s notice. L-4 isn’t too far, only a few hours. I’m just glad he wasn’t flying it or we’d have likely crashed in his rush.”

Quatre had the grace to blush. “When a friend is in distress, one must break rules if necessary.”

WuFei snorted and Trowa rolled his eyes upward, finding something interesting on the ceiling. They never changed, none of them, not really. Their bodies might grow and their knowledge might increase, but when it came down to their core being, all of them were the same as they were in the war. Quatre’s cool intellect and Trowa’s calm silence. Even WuFei’s honor-bound demeanor didn’t seem to change much.

He watched as Quatre moved calmly about the room, eyeing the mess of renovation and the various knick-knacks that decorated the space. Even with things in disarray, he had to admit that Duo’s home was lacking in personality, something he would have expected to be present in spades. This house could have been anyone’s. There was nothing of Duo here. He almost laughed because it reminded him so much of his own living space on Earth.

Heero stepped close to WuFei, while keeping Quatre and Trowa in his sights. “How much do they know?”

WuFei shrugged a shoulder. “I told them only the minimum, but whether or not he used his pull to dig more during our flight, I can’t be certain. But you know Quatre. He’s the dangerous sort. I don’t know how much he knows, but I’d be willing to put money that it’s more than a little. Duo’s family to him, even if he hasn’t seen him in a decade. I would imagine the person who let Duo’s situation slip past him will be jobless if not worse once Quatre gets back to L4.”

Heero grunted and moved to take a seat on the sofa. Quatre followed suit, with the others not long behind him. Every move he made was deliberate, from the elegant crossing of his legs to the way his fingers stroked at his short beard. It both relaxed him while at the same time put him on edge. Quatre thought like a chess master, several moves ahead. It made him a dangerous adversary and a powerful ally. It also made him the wild card that Heero was very cautious about.

“You know, it’s been a while since I was on L-2.” Quatre looked around the room with a smile. “I tried looking Duo up then, but was told he was on a salvage mission. Things have really changed since the wars.”

Trowa hummed in agreement. “It’s cleaner.”

“They have a park now.”

Quatre arched a brow. “With living plants?”

Heero nodded. “It is…unique.”

Quatre picked at some invisible lint on his suit. Trowa sat quietly, finding interest in staring at his shoes. It was WuFei who finally broke the uncomfortable silence, his patience having grown thin. “Will you two stop? If the subject of weather comes up next, I’m leaving. Can we please just address the elephant in the room before continuing on with the small talk?”

“You mean me.”

Heero started and stood, glancing toward the hallway where Duo sat, looking particularly annoyed. His braid looked loose and there was exhaustion playing across his features. In the past week, he had put on a little weight, but still looked like a waif with his large amethyst colored eyes and far too skinny frame.

Quatre looked shocked, though not to the degree that one would have expected. It was obvious he had done some research on the flight from L-4 to L-2, thought reading reports did nothing when faced with the physical truth of it. A quick glance to Trowa showed sympathy, but no pity something Heero was grateful for. Duo didn’t need anyone’s pity.

“Well? Is this elephant big enough?”

Quatre was the first to recover, stepping quickly to Duo’s side and taking his hand. Even Heero could see how his hands shook before he gasped and stumbled back upon creating a physical connection. His healthy peach paled several shades and Trowa was at his side within moments. 

“Are you alright?”

Quatre shook his head and stared at Duo with eyes full of grief. “Why didn’t you call me?”

Duo blinked several times and shifted his gaze away. “There wasn’t a reason too.”

“I thought we were friends.”

Duo’s throat bobbed as he swallowed and Heero took that moment to step quickly to Duo’s side, his hand moving to rest on his shoulder, offering what little comfort he could. “Being friends had nothing to do with my situation.”

“I could have helped. There is research I could have…”

Duo slammed his fist onto the arm of the chair. “Stop. That’s exactly why I didn’t call you. You would have thrown your money around. Some high priced doctors and nurses would have jumped to your beck and call and nothing would have changed. I have money horded away, we all do. Do you think I didn’t look into research? I’m not an idiot…and it all said the same thing. Damaged nerves are damaged. They aren’t like muscle. They don’t just grow back. I couldn’t…”

Heero frowned and took a step forward. “Duo…”

Dark bangs hid his eyes as Duo bowed his head. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you all seeing me like this.”

“That doesn’t mean there isn’t cutting edge research. On the shuttle here I read an article of using metal braces that send electric pulses into body.” Quatre trailed off, glancing up to meet the silent gazes of the other pilots, his hand clutching desperately at his chest as agony filled his gaze.

“That’s years, decades even, from being applicable.”

“But still…” Quatre trailed off

“Thank you, but things are the way they are. There is no medicine and no amount of money that could give me back my legs.” Duo glanced at Heero, features pulled tight. “There are worse fates.”

WuFei cleared his throat as the silence drew in tight around them. “I never thought I’d be the one breaking the ice like this, but can we talk about something less depressing.”

Heero’s lips twitched and a quick glance at Duo showed his doing the same. WuFei was taking on Duo’s position in their dynamic. “It’s early.”

Quatre’s face brightened. “Of course, breakfast. Should we go out or order in?”

Trowa blew a puff of air. “I believe Heero and Duo would probably prefer to eat in.”

“Quite.” Quatre whipped out his phone and began punching buttons, moving off to the side to speak quietly to the voice on the other end of the line.

Trowa moved like a shadow, ignoring the others and kneeling beside Duo. “You should have called.”

“Not you too,” growled Duo in response.

“Not for money or assistance. You should have called your friends.” Trowa’s hand lifted to Duo’s shoulder. “We would have been there for you.”

“Quatre would have taken over.”

Trowa’s lips twitched. “And you would have grumbled and moaned and been a complete annoyance to everyone.”

Duo’s eyes brightened. “And WuFei would have shouted at the injustice of it.”

WuFei, not so covertly listening, snorted. “Maxwell…”

Duo was on a roll. “Heero…hmm what would Heero have done?”

Heero shifted and turned his back to them. He knew exactly what he would have done. He would have left the hospital where Duo had lain and sought out the man that hurt him. There was no doubt in his mind that he would have killed that man with very little thought.

“Heero would have been Heero, I suppose.” Duo shrugged and sent a lopsided grin in Trowa’s direction. “What would you have done?”

“Kept Heero from killing the bastard that did that to you.”

Duo started and it was Heero’s turn to snort. “As if you could stop me.”

“Seriously…there is a Preventer in this room,” grumbled WuFei. “Two if you want to be specific.”

“We’re only talking in what ifs.”

The conversation was cut off when Quatre walked back into the room, looking more put together and wearing a satisfied smile. “It took some doing, but breakfast will be here in a few minutes.”

“I’m going to dress.” Duo glanced down at his sleeping pants with a sigh. “I guess it’s too much to hope you’ll all be gone when I get back.”

Quatre smiled brightly. “Not a chance.”

Trowa coughed a laugh into his hand. WuFei rolled his eyes and Heero remained silent. Even if their visit was undesired at the precise moment, it felt good to have all five of them in one place. It gave him a since of completeness that had been missing in his life since Duo left them.

Duo was just wheeling himself back into the living room when the doorbell rang. Trowa stood calmly from where he sat on the sofa and opened the door. Several men walked in, bearing numerous bags and trays.

“Jesus, Quatre, did you order enough to feed the entire block.”

Quatre ignored him, like he did when asked a question he deemed unworthy of an answer. Trowa shook his head and gestured for them all to move to the table that was being loaded down with food. There was so much of it that the cabinets had to be utilized as well. There was bacon, sausage, eggs, various bagels with cream cheese spread, oatmeal, and such a wide variety of pastries in every form and fashion.

Even Heero’s brows were reaching toward his hairline. “This might be a bit excessive.”

Quatre merely grabbed a plate and began helping himself. “It’s been so long since all of us were together that I couldn’t remember what everyone liked so I ordered some of everything.”

Duo rolled his eyes and grabbed a plate. Unlike in years past, he was careful in his selection, choosing some eggs, sausage, fruit, and one of the pastries. Heero followed in suit, and soon all of them were huddled around the table.

Trowa had opted for fruit and a bagel while WuFei went straight for the oats. Heero didn’t have a preferred meal choice, so he added some eggs and a bagel to his plate and tucked in.

“So, what’s our next move?” asked Quatre between bites.

“Leave off, Cat.”

Quatre paused mid bite. His face broke out in the largest grin. “I missed your nicknames.”

“Don’t distract me, damn it. I’m serious. This is not a mission planning session. There isn’t anything anyone needs to do for me. Heero and I are perfectly happy going on the way we are. We don’t need meddling friends.”

“I want to help, Duo.”

Heero almost chuckled at the look on Duo’s face. He had a perplexed look of one who was facing down the earnest expression plastered on Quatre’s features and not knowing what to do. Duo was going to be hard pressed to send Quatre out of his life again. They had all allowed Duo to exit gracefully in the past, but never again. It was an unspoken and unanimous decision to keep their friend firmly planted in their lives.

“You don’t seem me sticking my nose into your business, so stay out of mine.”

“Be reasonable, Duo.”

“Don’t you ‘be reasonable’ me. You’re just trying to take over. Why don’t you go fuck Trowa and leave me alone?”

Trowa choked on the food he was in the process of swallowing, bringing a chuckle from WuFei. “That might be difficult since Trowa’s engaged to be married.”

Duo looked stunned. “Come again?”

“Beth and I are going to be married in the spring.”

Heero smiled and reached out to shake Trowa’s hand. “Congratulations.”

Duo stared dumbly at him. “You and Quat aren’t a thing?”

Trowa cocked his head and arched a brow. “What gave you that idea?”

“I don’t know, maybe the way you two hung all over each other when we were teenagers. I mean hell, I got hot and bothered seeing you two together. You’re not punking me, are you?”

“I’ve never had any romantic feelings for Quatre.”

Quatre smiled brightly. “Trowa is indispensable to me, but we’re not involved in that way. I won’t say I would never be involved with a man, but I do prefer women.”

Duo settled his chin on the palm of his hand and frowned while shifting his eyes between the two, as if attempting to figure out if they were lying or not. “Damn, how could I be that far off?”

“Back then, things were different. Lines were blurred and we, all of us, became different things for each other. It’s easy to assume my closeness with Trowa for something that it wasn’t. At the time, we really weren’t thinking about such things. I was simply happy for someone to lean on under the weight of my responsibilities.”

“I guess,” mumbled Duo as he changed the direction of his gaze. “What about you, Fei?”

“It’s WuFei, Maxwell, and what about me?”

“Is there a future Mrs. WuFei Chang in the future?”

WuFei chuckled. “Only time will tell.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I didn’t intend it to be one, or at least not what you were fishing for,” purred WuFei with a satisfied smile, knowing full well his avoidance of answering directly would annoy Duo to no end.

“Damn it, tell me.” Duo leaned forward. “I have to know.”

Heero relaxed at Duo and WuFei’s bickering. He saw it for what it was, Duo’s way of deflecting attention away from himself. The smile he had plastered on his face was not one of complete happiness. It was a front, just as during the wars. The real Duo Maxwell lay hidden much deeper.

While Duo and WuFei continued to go back and forth, Heero stood and began clearing away dishes. When he felt a calm presence at his side, not even having to look in order to sense Trowa. They all seemed to be falling back into the roles they had once played. 

“How is he?”

Heero considered his answer carefully, gauging how to word it properly. “He is…maintaining.”

“I see.”

“It would be easier without…” he glanced toward where Quatre was stepping between the verbal spar, just as he did in the past.

“Yes, but I could not stop him from coming. WuFei and I both attempted, but Quatre is Quatre. Family is everything to him, particularly after the falling out he had with some of his sisters.” Trowa blew out a tired breath. “He clings desperately to those he cares for.”

“Yes.” Heero nodded his understanding. He’d known he was living on borrowed time with Quatre. “I had hoped for more time before he came.”

“Perhaps it’s good we came. Quatre does have access to cutting edge research, and now with someone dear to him inflicted with a debilitating injury, he will pour resources into research. It’s how he is.” Trowa turned his gaze to the three of them. “Does he have everything he needs?”

“For now.”

“And you as well? How are you?”

Heero glanced sharply at his companion. “What do you mean by that?”

Trowa shrugged. “I keep ears in the Preventers. When it comes to my attention that someone of your history is turning down field work for cybercrime, gets my attention.”

He immediately pulled all emotion from his features, his frame going stiff. “I see.”

“I don’t know specifics because I respect your privacy, but it raises questions and not just with me. I’ll ask again, how are you?”

It was hard to open himself up, even to old comrades. Even after years of therapy and medication that was only half effective. The most he could muster was a slight relaxing of his shoulders, but it was something at least. “I’m…stable.”

“You don’t sound convincing.”

Heero inclined his head. “There are times. Flashbacks. And there is always the danger of a psychotic break. I think that is what my therapist fears the most.”

“Does Duo know?”

Heero couldn’t stop the flinch. “Some.”

“Are you sure you should be here with him?”

Heero lowered his gaze. “I’m the only one who he trusts.”

Trowa smiled faintly. “Indeed.”

They had to see, all of them. They had to see how Duo pulled back from them on an instinctual level. He was holding a key part of himself back. Quatre, with his keen sense of others, had to see it.

“I will not say anything to Quatre. You understand how he gets, but I would recommend that you keep your emotions tight to your chest. He had been particularly sensitive since hearing about Duo. The news devastated him, more so because Duo did not contact him. I don’t know if the results would have been different, but in his mind, his input would have made all the difference.”

“Thank you.” And he meant it. His personal issues were his own to work through. Only WuFei was truly privy to them, and soon Duo as well. There were still things he couldn’t say to Duo, but one day he hoped that the trust growing between them would be strong enough that he could.

“Please Duo…” Quatre trailed off plaintively, drawing both his and Trowa’s attention.

“No! I’m not going.”

Heero glanced between the two, WuFei siding up beside him. “Quatre wants him to come to L-4. And here I thought he was the smart one. Maxwell would sooner cut off his own arm.”

Trowa sighed. “He means well.”

WuFei simply rolled his eyes. “And Maxwell is stubborn. I suggest one of you steps in before blood is involved.”

Heero was already moving, placing a firm hand on Quatre’s bicep. “That’s enough. We’re staying here.”

Quatre sent Heero a pleading look. “But there is a renowned spinal treatment facility on L-4. You would have the best treatment, I guarantee it.”

“There is nothing they can do for me that hasn’t already been done. L-2 isn’t some backwater place. We do have good doctors here too.” Duo poked at Quatre’s chest with his finger. “You can’t fix everything with your money.”

Heero shook his head and placed a hand on Duo’s shoulder, keeping his hand firmly on Quatre’s arm. “Duo had made his decision. I’m sure he would welcome any research you come across, but he is not going to L-4 if he doesn’t wish it.”

“I don’t,” growled Duo.

Quatre glanced between them before slumping his shoulders in dejection. “I only want you to have the best care possible, my friend.”

“I am.” Duo glanced toward Heero. “The best possible.”

“Quatre, leave it be.” Trowa walked up to him, providing his friend with emotional and physical support. “You can’t force it.”

“Fine,” snapped Quatre before storming out of the room, followed shortly by the slamming of the front door.

WuFei glanced to Trowa. “Should you go with him?”

Trowa shook his head and settled back at the table, pouring himself a fresh cup of morning tea. “He just needs to blow off steam. He’ll be back in a few minutes. My presence would distract him. He needs to work through this himself, as do we all.”

Duo rolled his chair to the window, staring blankly out at the street. Duo joined him, a few feet behind. Outside the window, Quatre paced up and down the sidewalk in front of the house. His hands were shoved into the pockets of his trousers and he seemed to be arguing with himself, or in the most likely case, cursing Duo for his abject stubbornness.

“Stubborn asshole,” muttered Duo.

WuFei snorted loudly. “I’m sure he is saying the same thing about you, Maxwell.”

Trowa finished his tea with a grunt and stood smoothly. “I think I’ll collect him and take him to the hotel. He hasn’t slept since finding out about you. He could use with a nap.”

“What are you, his babysitter?” snapped Duo.

Trowa glanced blandly toward him. “I’m his friend, as you are. He cares about you, which is why he is pushing so hard. Consider that before passing judgement on him. We’ll be back later, I’m sure.”

With those words, Trowa exited the house and made his way to Quatre. They watched from the window as a sad blond was pulled into a strong hug before escorted toward a waiting car. 

Duo had the grace to hide his face. WuFei nodded to Heero and then to Duo before following the two. Heero was both saddened and grateful for the silence. 

“Did you tell them about me?”

Heero shook his head. “WuFei knew where I was and he was visiting Quatre. The years have allowed Quatre’s empathy to grow. He knew something worried WuFei and simply strong armed him until he revealed what he knew.”

Duo leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. “You think I should go with him?”

Heero’s face remained impassive. “I think you should do what you want to do. My opinion doesn’t matter.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. Your opinion is the only one that matters.”

Heero couldn’t stop his hand from moving to caress the back of Duo’s neck, savoring the softness of the skin just beneath the base of his braid. His knuckles stroked the skin while his other hand slid down to grasp Duo’s hand in his own and bring it to his lips.

“What do you want?” asked Heero.

“I just want to stay here. I want you to help me. Going to that place…” He hid his face, but Heero understood. They would do tests, poking and prodding and with the same result as before the emotionally strain of such stress.

“Understood. I will make it clear to Quatre. We are staying here.”

Duo glanced up at Heero. “We?”

“Yes.”

“Can I ask you something?” asked Duo hesitantly and at Heero’s nod, continued. “What do you want?”

“I want to stay here.” Heero tightened his grip on Duo’s hand.

“Good.” Duo’s stiff frame relaxed. “You know they’ll come back.”

“They are your friends. They will stay until they are satisfied.”

“You mean until Quatre is satisfied.”

Heero shrugged. “Indeed.”

“Why do you want to stay?” asked Duo after a moment.

That question was easy for Heero and his response was immediate. “Because you’re here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so guilty about taking so long to post a chapter. Well, here you go. Also, if anyone cares to read from the beginning, I've edited the previous chapters. No big changes, just some added fluffing in some places and checking typos and other grammar stuff. Please enjoy, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, which is probably why I procrastinated so long. Having the others show up is difficult to write.
> 
> Also, some smut in the next chp. They shouldn't, but who said anyone is ever smart. Also, I hope ya'll don't hate me for making Trowa and Quatre straight. WuFei, he's bisexual, in case anyone cared. I just really hate stories where ALL the pilots are gay. It seems to lose it's realistic feeling to me.
> 
> Also, this chapter has only had a cursory editing. I jsut really wanted to get it out to you guys. Thanks to all for the support you have been giving me. I'll go back later and do a more indepth editing, so I apologize for any grammar errors and such. :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas :)
> 
> If anyone cares to keep up with me and my writing process and progress on various fics and edits, you can follow me on my lj. My lj is strictly for journals so no fics will be posted there.
> 
> http://daydreamer1979.livejournal.com/

“Do you wish I’d come sooner?”

Duo snorted, but held Heero’s gaze. “Is this a trick question?”

“I should have come sooner.”

“Goddamn Heero. I think I liked you before when you didn’t say mushy stuff like that.” Duo leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes upward.

He smiled at Duo’s antics and took a step closer, moving within touching distance. He couldn’t stop himself. If he was honest, he didn’t really try. After the stress of the morning and the past few days, his willpower was such that the slightest whim was obeyed with little thought. Not even his famous control was allowed to come into play when the glitter of relief spread across Duo’s face.

His hand moved from its place at the base of Duo’s skull and slid with care to cup the hard jut of a slightly rough jaw. The tips of his fingers tingled with each scrap of faint stubble poking through pores. It was impossible not to use the moment to stroke the skin with his fingers, relishing in the scrape of roughness that somehow suited Duo. 

“Heero?”

His attention strayed from the curve of Duo’s jaw to meet his gaze. Amethyst-hued eyes stared widely into his, daring him to continue; pleading with him to do so. He felt so deeply in that moment, an increasingly familiar sensation began to spread through him; the need to be devoured by Duo’s presence. He would begin a new war if he was no longer allowed this one, very small but important request. No doctors or well-meaning friends would ever keep moments such as this from him. There was no dwelling on the past and what ifs, when the present held so much interest for him.

There was no more asking permission. There was only the need to take. His head crashed forward and he was surprised that Duo met him half-way. Surprisingly strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and lips sucked desperately at his. He was almost certain his lips would bear the marks of the mutual assault when teeth began to play into the equation, nibbling and then biting at saliva wet flesh.

The sound of their breathing, deep gasps and subtle sighs filled the space surrounding them. Each shuddered breath or small puff of a gasp sent thrills of pleasure through him. His dick was hard and his heart pumped with a force he’d only ever felt when barreling through Earth’s atmosphere in Wing.

He was losing control. Fear curbed his lust and he pulled back with an audible gasp, attempting to catch his breath and rein in his control before he hurt Duo again. Such outcome was not acceptable and he refused to allow even the possibility of it happening. Already he could feel the darkening on the edge of his consciousness.

“What’s wrong?”

He took another shuddering breath before allowing himself to meet Duo’s eyes. His body still ached, but at least that small sliver of fear had allowed him to reel in the abandon that had taken over. “I need a moment.”

Duo’s lips tugged down in a frown, not in frustration or annoyance, but in worry. “Heero…”

“Your lips are dangerous. My control slipped. It won’t happen again.” He took another breath, slowly feeling his control drift back within what he deemed was acceptable parameters. 

Duo arched a brow and settled back into his chair. For a long, drawn out moment, his face remained calm before a small smirk curved his lips. “What if I want you to lose control?”

Heero’s eyes widened and his breath caught. “No. I won’t hurt you.”

Duo’s eyes rolled and he thumped his chest with a fist. “Did you forget who I am? Jeez. I may not be as altered as you, but fuck, I’m sure as hell not some dainty Earthborn. I mean seriously, have you seen the photos of when I was hurt?”

Heero frowned, his lips pulling tightly. “I have.”

“I don’t think you were looking at the right pictures.” Duo wheeled himself into his workroom, obviously trusting Heero to follow in suit.

It took only moments for the computer to power up. A few clicks and swipes brought up a serious of photos, to which Duo put on slideshow. Each had Heero’s eyes widening. The carnage wasn’t just Duo being pinned, but destruction all around the area.

Smoke and fire rose in the pictures. The forklift, a large mangled bit of machinery used for moving space debris, had torn through barrels and slammed through several small storage containers. Anyone in its path should have been killed. If Duo had been any less of what he was, he probably would have been. 

He didn’t want to think of Duo in the situation that he’d been in. He didn’t want to think of the pain, but he couldn’t deny the truth of the words spoken to him in desperate need. Duo was stronger than the average human, even in the weakened state he now possessed.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, enough force can hurt me. You could easily hurt me if you wanted to. Hell, when you tossed me across the room, I cut myself, but you were out of your mind. That wasn’t just a little shove and you caught me off-guard. If you had done that to a normal Joe on the street, you’d have probably killed him. Hell, you knocked the breath out of me. I’m not a perfect soldier and I’m fucked up from the waist down and let’s face it, I’m not in the best physical shape, but I’m more than enough to handle you if you lose control. I mean…shit, I want you to lose control. I want to know you want me.” Duo took a deep breath, releasing it with a slow and controlled exhale. “Please, Heero. Let me make you lose control.”

He couldn’t keep his eyes open as a rush of lust spilled into his bloodstream. The thudding of his heart matched the throbbing in his groin. He was certain he had never experienced an arousal to this degree. It was sparking down his spine, sending sharp jerks of arousal through his entire body.

He couldn’t stop himself; didn’t want to stop himself. His hands gripped the sides of Duo’s face and he slammed their lips together in a kiss that lacked any sort of finesse. It was all passion and impatience and desperation. He wanted to devour Duo completely and shuddered when Duo’s slender fingers gripped his shoulders before a firm and insistent push forced them apart.

“Wait,” gasped Duo, when their lips finally parted.

Heero’s mind could not process the reason why Duo stopped him after practically begging him to relinquish his hard fought control. It was more of a struggle to grapple for it once more than it had been to release it. His breath rushed raggedly from his lips and he closed his eyes, unable to look at Duo for fear of losing that small tendril of control he had managed to latch onto.

“Living room,” Duo gasped out, wheeling himself away.

A frown pulled down Heero’s lips, his brain attempting to understand Duo’s reasoning for the change of space. His tongue darted out to swipe over his lower lip and he shivered at the taste of what he imagined was Duo on his tongue. He could feel a flush spread over his body. Eyes dilated when Duo gestured for him to take up a spot on the sofa.

“What do you want?” he asked as he did as instructed.

“You’ll see.” A devilish grin spread across Duo’s features, bring forth a reminiscence of his previous self. “Just go with it.”

Heero jolted when Duo shifted beside him onto the sofa. His soft grunts filled the space as he moved himself from the wheelchair onto the sofa. Hands slipped onto his face, stroking down his jaw and then to his neck. He wanted to ask what Duo wanted him to do when cool fingers slipped beneath his shirt and onto his belly.

A gasp slowly morphed into a moan and his head dropped back as fingers danced their way up to tease his nipples, first with small flicks and then pinches. His fingers dug furrows into the material of the sofa in an effort to keep from snatching at Duo in his growing desperation.

“You have no idea how good it feels to have you touch me.” Duo leaned forward to press kisses along his jaw while his fingers continued their teasing assault on his body. “It’s strange. I can’t feel anything after a certain point, but the rest of me seems to make up for that lacking. It feels ten times what it used to. Hell, just having you touch me on my nipples feels better than sex ever did.”

Duo ignored the growing urgency of Heero’s need. He moved at his own pace, acting ignorant of the panting groans that were being ripped from his companion with each passing moment of the exquisite torture being exacted.

Just as Heero was about to be driven insane and ready to voice his desires, the teasing fingers dipped to the waist of his trousers and deftly freed the button and zipper. This time any attempts to withhold sounds of pleasure were abandoned as a loud groan of partial relief and partial desperation was pulled from deep within Heero’s throat.

Fingers stroked at the sensitive stretch of skin below his navel, teasing the hairs that formed a thin trail down to the juncture of his groin. When Duo pressed the material of his trousers and boxers downward, he lifted his hips to aid. He was desperate to the point he would do anything Duo asked as long as he was allowed the release his body screamed to have.

“Duo,” he whispered as both a prayer and a curse. One hand lifted to stroke at the fringe of bangs before curling around to play with the beginning of the simple braid.

“I’ve dreamed of this.” Duo gazed up at him through his lashes, little pants coming from lips. “Granted, the situations were different, but not something I can’t adapt to.”

Heero might have had the mentality of respond had those exploring fingers not chosen that moment to wrap firmly around the base of his erection and stroke upward in a controlled tug. Words died on his lips and his head fell back onto the sofa as a gasping moan escaped unbidden from his lips. His entire focus from that moment was firmly planted on Duo and his stroking hand.

He had enough of his control left to allow Duo free rein to do as he willed. He couldn’t bear Duo’s touch and he wouldn’t ask him to stop for the world. It was a double-edged blade cutting him to the quick and he loved every moment of it even as it pushed him closer and closer toward the finish.

Duo’s hand shifted toward the base once more, where it stopped, simply keeping a firm grip without any additional stimulation. Heero couldn’t stop his hips from jerking upward in question to which the only answer was a pleased chuckle. He groaned and flung his head back against the sofa and clenched his eyes in order to keep ahold of that last tendril of control. Being like this with Duo was something he’d never thought to experience and he wasn’t the sort to hope for anything. His world was too compact. Too organized. To abnormal. Normal for him was a daily reminder to maintain his humanity rather than submit to the ever present urge to allow the past soldier hovering in the back of his mind take control once more. It wasn’t an actual personality, but rather, lack of personality. The soldier could handle everything without barely a flinch. Good or bad, that part of him was indifferent to either, living only to complete the tasks set before him.

But Duo, he kept him grounded in the messy reality that was living. And he was doing it again, making him feel this deep pleasure and carnal need. He couldn’t push away because he desperately wanted to embrace it and drown in the ecstasy. 

He was so lost in the touch of hand that his eyes shot open in shock when hot breath and a warm mouth engulfed the tip. A cry of surprise escaped him and his hands shot from where they rested on the sofa to latch once more in Duo’s hair. 

Duo moaned around the glans and Heero echoed him in turn. His hips gave little jerks as he fought to keep from thrusting upward into Duo’s throat. The wet slickness of a tongue circled around the tip and he hands tightened into fists in Duo’s hair.

Duo pulled back and reached up to tug Heero’s hands from his hair. “Ease up. I don’t want to be bald at the end of this.”

It took some effort, but he finally loosened his grip and no sooner had he done so did Duo dive back down, using one hand to grab at the base of Heero’s dick while the other was used to support his upper body as his lips sucked. With each suck, his lips sunk further down. And Heero’s moans couldn’t be held inside, not that he particularly tried to do so.

The hand wrapped around his base slipped away and cupped his balls, weighing them and then slipping fingers behind to stroke at the sensitive skin of his perineum. A garbled sound of pleasure and shock left him when one of those talented fingers stroked over his anus, the nail just barely scraping the puckered skin in time with the bobbing of Duo’s head. He shifted his hips to give better access.

“Duo…” He wasn’t sure what he wanted to say. Stop? Keep going? The words escaped him and he melted into Duo’s touches.

Just the tip of that teasing finger slipped inside and he lost it. He didn’t even have the chance to warn Duo of the impending release before his balls drew up and heavy spurts of semen erupted from his penis. His head arched back into the sofa, digging deep as his hips jerked in uncontrolled spasms.

Duo was forced to pull back, fluid dripping from his lips down his chin as he gave a faint cough. “Damn, warn a guy next time.”

He couldn’t even muster a glare as Duo heaved himself upward. He shifted slightly when his companion’s warm body pressed close, lips ghosting along his jaw and sucking lazily at the skin below. His mind was still rebooting and he couldn’t find the words express what he was feeling. He was never good at that, anyway. He wanted Duo to feel as good as he was in that moment.

“Was it good?” asked Duo. “It’s been a while since I gave head to a guy.”

He couldn’t find the words to answer, so instead he used his body to respond and pushed Duo back so that he lay sprawled half on the sofa. Their lips met and he frowned at the taste of himself. It wasn’t completely bad, but it wasn’t pleasant either. The pleasant part of the experience came with knowing that Duo had given him such pleasure. He remembered enough of their previous encounter to know what felt good to him.

Duo moaned into his mouth and he thought perhaps the other would have been happy to simply be kissed into oblivion. Never one to be ruled by his dick, he still had difficulty understanding how it would feel to be unable to experience the sensation of arousal and orgasm. He thought it would be a serious loss now that he held Duo and understood what it felt to experience that sort of intimacy with him. 

Their lips parted and Duo stared up at him with hazy eyes. “I can hear you thinking again.”

Heero huffed out a breath and pressed their brows together. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re asking me that now?”

Heero’s silence brought a chuckle from Duo. “Just touch me. Please God, touch me.”

He could not resist the plea and stroked his hands down Duo’s face, continuing on a path downward until he could slip beneath the soft material of the tee-shirt he wore. The skin of Duo’s abdomen was soft to the touch, dusted with a faint trail of hair. He ignored the downward trail in favor of pressing upward toward the pectorals. The body beneath him was still so very thin, more so than was strictly healthy and his mind reinforced the mental promise to ensure Duo’s health and strength before anything else. Duo was his mission.

One hand curved around Duo’s torso and splayed between his shoulder blades, pulling him upward and supporting his body while the other stroked over perked nipples, tracing the disks before scraping at the skin with his nails. His head lowered and caught the whimpering sound of Duo’s cry in his lips and their mouths slipped across each other as tongues came into play.

He’d never really understood kissing until Duo. Relena had been his first kiss and while he respected her and all she had done, the experience was one he preferred to forget. It was full of slimy tongue and far more saliva than he cared for. With Duo, everything changed. He still tasted himself on the slick lips, but he couldn’t find it in him to mind. Anything on Duo’s lips was delicious. 

They parted again and Duo wrapped his arms around Heero’s shoulder and pressed close enough than his face was buried in Heero’s shoulder. The frame in his arms shivered and jerked, almost seeking to merge into him. He moved away, only for a moment in order to remove first Duo’s shirt and then his own before pressing their torsos together once more.

Duo’s teeth latched onto the skin of Heero’s shoulder, not hard enough to break the skin, but with enough force that he felt it and groaned in response. The slide of their skin against each other was sensual enough along with the puffing of Duo’s breath in his ear that he felt his dick twitch in response.

Fingers scraped down his back and he jerked in response as Duo continued to shake and shiver against him before finally going silent. His mind wanted to argue that just touching him and pressing their bodies together could not be enough for him. He pulled back enough to gaze down at the limp body he supported, amethyst-hued eyes staring lazily up at him put to rest any dispute he might have.

“Duo?”

“Feels good to touch another person.”

Heero silently agreed and allowed Duo to cuddle close to him. He was careful to adjust their bodies into a more natural alignment before relaxing enough to watch Duo drift off into a doze. A tendril of fear kept him from allowing himself to drift into that same relaxed state. He was fine simply watching Duo rest until his phone chimed with a message.

_Come outside._

Regretfully, he tugged free of Duo’s arms, replaced his shirt, and draped a blanket over Duo before stepping outside to see WuFei leaning calmly against a rental vehicle. “Hey.”

Heero nodded and took up position beside him, keeping an eye on the small house where Duo still slept.

“Trowa was able to calm Quatre down.”

“I had little doubt,” he responded.

A smile quirked WuFei’s lips. “How is Duo?”

“Still here. Getting stronger.”

“And you?” WuFei shifted his gaze to him. “Heero?”

“I am…functional.”

One of WuFei’s brows quirked upward. “Define functional.”

He remained silent, knowing his silence was just as telling as any words he could form. He wasn’t sleeping, not a truly restful sleep. He’d reverted to wartime sleep patterns. The slightest sound or change in atmosphere would bring him from his rest and into high alert. And that, was not a good state for him to be in.

WuFei sighed wearily. “You need to go back. You need to be where you can connect adequately to your support network. You need…”

“…to be away from Duo?” Heero asked sharply. “Not an option.”

“Heero…”

“No. Leaving him is not an option. Develop another course.”

WuFei grabbed Heero’s arm in a tight grip. “I’m not your mission leader, I'm your friend. I can’t tell you to do anything, but you need to be back on Earth. We both know it. You didn’t have to say it, but you’re barely ‘functional’, as you call it. Your doctors are calling me now, wanting updates on your status. You gave up your stability for him. I know you. Your routines are the only thing that keeps you sane on Earth and up here, Duo prevents you from developing a consistent one.”

Heero’s eyes grew hard and his hand reaching up to fasten threateningly on WuFei’s wrist. “I’m not leaving Duo.”

“Heero, I’m only trying to help you.”

“Then help me by making sure Quatre doesn’t upset Duo. I’m not leaving.”

“Heero!” WuFei dropped his grip on Heero’s arm and slipped from Heero's grip when he shifted and threw an unbelievably strong punch in his direction. Only a lifetime of martial arts kept it from connecting. A quick shift moved him from the fist’s trajectory and out of Heero’s reach.

Heero blinked several times, not realizing what he had done until his fist met with only air. It wasn’t a black out, per say, but rather his soldier instincts taking control of his actions. He wasn’t about to go on a killing spree as his psychiatrist might believe, but for a moment, he had lost his sense of self and reverted back into the mindset capable of taking control of a situation that seemed nearly ready to spiral out of control. He would kill anyone that stood in way of his mission and currently, Duo was his only mission.

His jaw clenched tight and his hand fisted with enough force that his nails cut into the flesh on his palm. “I think you should leave.”

With a quick turn, he moved quickly toward the house and Duo. His body felt cold and his muscles shivered and jerked as they loosened from sudden tenseness. Adrenaline was rushing through his system.

WuFei shook his head sadly as Heero walked back toward the house. “I knew he would destroy you.”


End file.
